The biggest moments from the Super Bowl
Imagine how much worse it might be if this Super Bowl was actually exciting.
Here's an incomplete list of the current and former players who appear in the NFL's new ad celebrating its 100th anniversary:
Odell Beckham Jr.
You know what makes a football game exciting? Touchdowns. Scores. Points. Any points, really. (Unless you are one of those studied football men who proposes that a low-scoring tie is exciting.) Three whole quarters into Super Bowl LIII, the score is a paltry 3-3. Unless things heat up really quickly (and they could! We're from Atlanta, we know all about eventful fourth quarters), this punter's duel could make history. A few relevant records to consider:
- The lowest scoring Super Bowl in history was SB VII, when the Miami Dolphins beat the Washington Redskins 14-7.
- The first half of this game was the second lowest-scoring first half in Super Bowl history. The lowest scoring first half was during Super Bowl IX, more than 40 years ago, when the Pittsburgh Steelers returned to the locker room with a 2-0 lead over the Minnesota Vikings
- This is the first Super Bowl EVER without a touchdown through three quarters.
Seriously, even brands are making jokes about how boring the actual game is.
Of course, as soon as we say this, something legendary will happen. That's just the way it is.
No, you didn't nod off during this remarkably dull football game and plunge into a nachos-fueled dream sequence -- there really was a SpongeBob SquarePants clip during the halftime show.
But for why?
After SpongeBob creator Stephen Hillenburg passed away last year, more than 1.2 million fans signed a petition to have the song "Sweet Victory," featured in an iconic SpongeBob episode, performed at the Super Bowl.
And wow, it happened. Kinda. During the halftime show,a few seconds of the "Sweet Victory" clip played before rapper Travis Scott's appearance.
Wow, that halftime show was ... a lot.
In 13 eager-to-please minutes it served up something for almost everyone: rock, pop, hip hop, rap, a drumline, a gospel choir, illuminated lanterns, pyrotechnics, a huge M-shaped stage and artists arriving via vintage convertible and what looked like a cartoon comet fireball.
Headliner Maroon 5 got most of the spotlight. Frontman Adam Levine sped through truncated versions of "Harder to Breathe," "This Love," "She Will Be Loved" and "Girls Like You" (nope, no Cardi B.), shedding his shirt by the end to reveal his sweaty torso and lots of tats.
Rapper Travis Scott joined the proceedings two songs in, seemingly introduced by SpongeBob SquarePants and plunging in from the sky in a flaming meteor. Thirty seconds later, he was gone.
Last up was Big Boi, the Atlanta hip hop prince who made a grand entrance in a Cadillac convertible, sporting a ginormous puffy fur coat and singing "In the A," his ode to his hometown. He then segued into a few verses of OutKast's "The Way You Move" before yielding the stage to Levine, who wrapped things up with "Moves Like Jagger."
So ... how was it? Well, it was no Prince. Or Beyonce. Or even Bruno Mars. The show felt thematically all over the place, like the producers decided to throw a bunch of stuff at the wall and hope that something stuck. Mostly it didn't.
Big Boi looked fabulous, though.
Looks like the National Corn Growers Association is taking exception to Bud Light's boast that they don't use corn syrup to brew their beer.
This is absolutely the kind of Super Bowl beef we signed up for.
Pepsi knows it's in a Coke town
It's no secret Atlanta is the Coca-Cola capital of the world. So Pepsi has some cojones pushing this star-studded and surprisingly self-aware Super Bowl ad. "Is Pepsi okay?" is the anthem of many a food-service employee, but Pepsi recruited Steve Carell, Lil Jon and Cardi B to play some defense: It's more than okay, they say. It's OKAYYYYY. Okurrr?!
Also, Cardi B's sparkly dress/nails combination belongs in the Smithsonian.
Pringles, are you okay?
Pringles! They're yummy! Once you pop, the fun don't stop! The robot servants haunting your house are bereft; of souls, of sense, of the capability of feeling joy! Even sadness is beyond their grasp, yet there is no other word for the deep void from which they scream! Eat Pringles!
And by the way, this is 2019, so no commercial would be complete without a tight and well-planned social media tie-in. You can witness even more existentialism on the Pringles Twitter account, which has been (temporarily?) taken over by their Sad Device. Now it's just responding to all of the other Super Bowl commercial brands with increasingly dismal messages.
The Dude abides ... and now drinks Stella
Cheers to Stella Artois for an ad that cleverly plays with the famous drink choices of some iconic characters. Sarah Jessica Parker's Carrie Bradshaw ("Sex and the City") and Jeff Bridges' The Dude ("The Big Lebowski") walk into a swanky bar and order not their trademark Cosmopolitans or White Russians but ... glasses of Stella Artois. Like that would ever happen.
There will be dozens of great (and not-so-great) commercials in the next few hours, so we'll update every once in a while with a few of our favs. So far...
That Backstreet Boys commercial is a bop
The Backstreet Boys + Chance the Rapper + some unholy Doritos creation was bound to be a winner. Honestly, their remix of "I Want It That Way" shouldn't sound so good. And yet, it does.
Bud Light still reigns
Bud Light's first "Dilly Dilly" ad aired in August 2017, and somehow they've managed to successfully stretch the joke for two entire NFL seasons. Judging from the latest sojourns of the Bud Light Kingdom crew (A kraken! Mordor? OTHER beer kingdoms?!), we're going to be Dilly Dillying for some time to come -- whether we like it or not.
We spoke too soon! A second Bud Light commercial, starring the Bud Knight, quickly evolved into a fire-breathing, head-smooshing affair that could only be the work of...
....GAME OF THRONES.
Fakeout! Yes, a Bud-Light x "Game of Thrones" crossover ad. Almost as shocking as the Rams intercepting Tom Brady.