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Last year I failed to become Superman. Not a super man, the Superman.
The search for the official Metropolis Superperson is an annual and international event.
Organizers receive hundreds of photos from people who aspire to be a muscular, bullet-proof fictional character with no visible genital definition.
But before I could hand in my resume and lie -- "I've traveled 20 million light years from my home. I look upon my powers as a gift. Not mine but to anyone who needs them" -- I was told I had to be over six foot, have black hair rather than no hair, be around 30 years old and have a 12-13 American shoe size.
Henry Cavill plays Superman in 'Man of Steel' and you may be surprised to find out he's not American.
"Buff and with no accent," said the lady from the Metropolis Chamber of Commerce, knowing that she was no Miss Teschmacher.
"Our first Superman was the local Baptist preacher. Everyone wants to be Superman. We get applications from everywhere. Even Japan."
Just a regular nuclear reactor-supplying town
For most of the year the Illinois town of Metropolis in the American Midwest is a quiet place, with a population of 7,000, a riverboat casino and a mill churning out material for nuclear reactors.
No one bench-presses any cars. No one freezes anything with their breath. Although the local burritos can help you exert the propulsive force of very high winds.
And some of the keg beer is similar to Kryptonite, immobilizing you with pain and nausea, and robbing you of your powers of taste.
For all your world-saving gardening needs.
Courtesy Michele Longworth/Metropolis Planet
But for a few days in summer (June 6-9, 2013), the town becomes soop central, putting on the "Superman Celebration."
This year is a big one: the Diamond Jubilee.
Remarkably, though the great man is 75, his adventures continue.
Not with hair re-seeding or knee replacement surgery, but with a new movie.
Zack Synder's "Man of Steel," starring Brit Henry Cavell, Russell Crowe and Kevin Costner, is released on June 14.
The big party in Metropolis will have superhero-related celebrity autograph sessions from the likes of Margot Kidder and Michael Rosenbaum, a Smallville prom, a Superman mastermind quiz (everyone knows Clark Kent parts his hair the different side to Superman), a fans' film festival and, of course, a $1,000 First Prize lookalike pageant ($25 entry).
Town mayor, Billy McDaniel, will be on hand to swear in visitors as "honorary citizens" of his friendly community on the Ohio River near the Kentucky border.
Most Supermen gathered
There's also a chance to become a Guinness World Record holder by being part of the world's largest-ever gathering of people dressed as Superman.
The record is currently held by 437 Canadians.
Says Mayor McDaniel: "The annual Superman Celebration brings so much more than just tourism to our small community. It brings out the superhero in all of us."
You can also buy a personalized brick ($75) to be placed around the pedestal or walkway to the Lois Lane statue on the corner of West Eighth and Market, between the chiropractor and "the home of super financial services" -- the bank.
Or you can have your photograph taken standing between Superman's legs underneath the 22-foot, $120,000, vandal-resistant bronze Superman statue in Superman Square in the "Home of Superman."
John Glover (left) and Cassidy Freeman from the series "Smallville" are just two to have posed with Superman's legs.
courtesy Michele Longworth/Metropolis Planet
It's meant to bring good luck. President Obama posed there and he got re-elected.
Beneath the sculpture is the inscription "Truth, Justice -- the American Way."
"It's our second statue," the lady from the Chamber of Commerce says. "The first one was fiberglass and he was short, fat and ugly. People thought he had big feet and looked like Prince Charles.
"He also seemed to suffer from an ocular condition."
The Super Museum will be open.
It's curated by former Californian housewares salesman and self-professed "Superman nut," Jim Hambrick, whose 100,000-plus item collection includes the suit worn by George Reeves in the first color television episodes of "Adventures of Superman."
The town and the world can't wait.
Gift shops will stock anti-thrombotic support tights. Sponsors of Metropolis's 35th Superman Celebration include Thor's Gym.
Joshua Boultinghouse is the resident Superman.
"I enjoy portraying Superman because for four days out of the year I get to be the man I always try to be," he says. "I don't mean being invulnerable. I mean I get to represent all that is good, honest and pure about humanity.
"I think we all (for the most part) aspire to be like that, but for four days especially I have to be like that in front of the fans and especially for the children.
Strongman events separate the Superboys from the Supermen.
courtesy Michele Longworth/Metropolis Planet
"And it gives me hope that maybe one day we all can be like that."
D.C. Comics' Superman first appeared in June 1938. Three quarters of a century, 2,000 comic appearances and six movies later, the Man of Steel hasn't changed a great deal.
Except he's no longer bald.
Superman was created in June 1933 by an Ohio writer named Jerry Siegel and Canadian illustrator Joe Schuster as a follicularly challenged baddie who read minds.
Then came the makeover modeled on Douglas Fairbanks Jr.
Alter ego Clark Kent was named after matinee idols Clark Gable and Kent Taylor, with his looks based on comedian Harold Lloyd.
DC Comics' Metropolis was named after the title of a Fritz Lang movie.
Metropolis, Illinois, has been Metropolis since 1889. Its only factual claim to fame is that The Birdman of Alcatraz is buried there.
Metropolis was Robert Stroud's hometown.
The local newspaper is called "The Metropolis Planet." It's not called "The Daily Planet." It's a weekly.
The town's chief other attraction is a telephone box. In it, rather than undress, I looked through the local directory. But couldn't find one Clark Kent.
Only a Stanley and a Wendell.