Skip to main content /US
CNN.com /transcript
CNN TV
EDITIONS


Dominic Cappello: Talking to kids about violence

graphic
 

Dominic Cappello is a nationally recognized authority on parent education and designer of parent-child communication programs. In addition to his work on school violence and harassment prevention, Cappello created the "Can We Talk?" parent education programs for the National Education Association. He is the author of "Ten Talks Parents Must Have With Their Children About Violence" and the co-author of "Ten Talks Parents Must Have With Their Children About Sex and Character."

CNN Moderator: Welcome to CNN.com Dominic Cappello and our discussion about talking with kids about violence. What types of talks do parents need to have with their children?

  MESSAGE BOARD
 

Dominic Cappello: Well, there are at least ten that are critical, and we based the book on these ten very important talks. Talk number one is defining violence and making sure that your definition is the same as your child's. Talk number two is talking about the roles of the observer, the victim, and the victimizer, making sure that kids know that if they overhear any kind of joking, it's to be reported to a parent and a teacher. Talk number three is about family rules, and keeping kids safe in the home. Talk number four is a discussion about violence in the media, and how kids feel about seeing so much violence every single day on TV and in the movies.

Talk number five is all about school safety and school rules. Talk number six is about the neighborhood and the law that protects people. Talk number seven is all about weapons and what to do when you see a gun, and how guns are to be stored safely and used responsibly with adult supervision. Talk number eight is about the Internet, and violent situations that can arise as a result of meeting people in chat rooms, and overhearing in chat rooms plans to hurt other people. Talk number nine is all about finding good friends, and the importance of having a healthy support system. The last talk is really about family values and beliefs, about how people are to be respected, and how children deserve respect. These are not talks that all take place in a five-minute conversation, but they are talks that need to take place over the next few weeks and months.

 10 tips for talking with kids:

1. Start early
2. Initiate conversations with your child
3. ... Even about sex and relationships
4. Create an open environment
5. Communicate your values
6. Listen to your child
7. Try to be honest
8. Be patient
9. Use everyday opportunities to talk
10. Talk about it again. And again

Source: "Talking With Kids About Tough Issues"

CNN Moderator: How old should children be to have these talks with parents?

Dominic Cappello: When a child enters kindergarten, they're suddenly in a new world with 25 other kids, and this is where hitting and teasing and threatening starts. This is where violence prevention starts, when the parent begins talking to the child about family rules, about being hit, or hitting. Clearly, the way you talk to a fifth grader is different than the way you talk to a kindergartner, or a high school senior. But the fundamental family rules stay the same.

Question from chat room: How do you separate the ideas of recognizing the signs from just the normal adolescent period?

Dominic Cappello: It is a challenge. But we're living in a time when we have to take jokes about killing other people very seriously, much as airports take jokes about weapons very seriously when you pass through the security guard. I'm not suggesting a parent calls the police the moment a teen makes a joke about violence, but I am suggesting that any jokes must be addressed and must be questioned. Clearly, the job of parenting has become much more complex.

Question from chat room: How can we recognize signs in our children at home that they are being harrassed at school?

Dominic Cappello: This is also a challenge, especially for boys, who are taught in general to not reveal any signs of weakness. But we know that most boys and girls do face various levels of threats at school from time to time. This requires that parents check in with their child daily, and make an extra effort over the weekend to sit down and review the week. Look for any signs that might give you a sense something is wrong. Most parents' instincts about this are usually correct.

Question from chat room: Mr. Cappello, how responsible is the school counselor, especially in a large high school, for the actions of the students?

Dominic Cappello: I am not the kind of person who believes in pointing fingers at a particular person. Every adult in this society plays a role in preventing violence, whether or not they're a parent, or whether or not they work in a school. School staff does play a vital role in keeping schools safe. But this can only be done in collaboration and full partnership with all the parents and law enforcement. We are working on a project in western New York which is bringing together parent organizations, educators, law enforcement and mental health professionals to create a comprehensive community safety program. This is something I think every community needs.

Percent age of children who say the following is a big problem for people their age in school

Teasing and bullying
Discrimination
Violence
Alcohol or drugs
Pressure to have sex
age 8 to 11
55
41
46
44
33
age 12 to 15
68
63
62
68
49
Percent age of children who say kids at their schools ...

Get teased or bullied
Have boyfriends/girlfriends
Are treated badly because they're different
Are threatened with violence
Smoke cigarettes
age 8 to 11
74
68
43

38
10
age 12 to 15
86
97
67

60
67
Source: Kaiser Family Foundation "Talking With Kids About Tough Issues"

Question from chat room: I've been thinking that the reason for youth violence is due to a lack of spiritual connection with the world today in our youth. We now live in a world that has made more major advancements in our youth's lifetime than was made over the entire course of human existence prior to that. What do you think of that?

Dominic Cappello: In chapter ten of the book, we talk a lot about family values, and family beliefs. In our research, we found that many families found great strength with religion, and many children found great comfort in being part of a religious organization. We think faith can be instructive and very helpful, especially at a time like this. The causes of violence are complex, and the solutions are many, but giving a child a foundation that is based on a strong faith can provide much comfort.

Question from chat room: Dominic, do you think that too often parents cave in to "giving a child his or her space " and because of this have no real idea of what their child is doing on a day to day basis?

Dominic Cappello: Many parents, especially of older children, struggle with the balance of giving their child independence and keeping close tabs. In today's complex society, we think it might be better to err on the side of keeping closer tabs, and knowing who their child spends time with, what kinds of activities they're involved with every day, and even visiting their rooms, to see how their child's life is going.

Question from chat room: Mr. Cappello, is it irreverant of me to search my child's backpack?

Dominic Cappello: Well, this comes down to a family value, and every family has different values about respecting the privacy of their child. I think if a parent had the sense that something might be wrong, or there might be a problem, and after a few attempts at talking, there was still much concern, it might be appropriate to check a child's personal belongings. But this could also be done with the child's awareness. Again, this is something that every parent must decide for themselves.

Question from chat room: There will always be unstable kids, but now they have easy access to guns.That's totally the key to the problem

Dominic Cappello: Well, in chapter seven, we talk a lot about weapons and their availability. The activities in the chapter can lead to some very interesting conversations between parent and child about the availability of weapons, and the consequences of this availability in the U.S. The issue of weapons and availability is a vital discussion for every American to have.

Question from chat room: What can we do about cartoon networks where the kids are getting violent ideas from cartoons?

Dominic Cappello: In chapter four, we talk a lot about the media. This addresses each parent's "family values" about violence in the media, whether cartoon or live action, whether daytime or nighttime. Every parent must decide based on their own beliefs what TV they'll allow their child to watch, if any. There are some families who have chosen to severely restrict the viewing of television, and those families report that new activities have sprung up in the family. These new activities include family discussions and book reading. So, media editing is another part of the puzzle.

Question from chat room: I have read that there is a police department that says one of the signs is wearing baggie pants. How can this be sign of violence when it is a fashion?

Dominic Cappello: I have not heard of this yet. I think the signs are complex, and I would not necessarily make any assumptions about a person's violent tendencies based on dress. Instead, I would focus more on the child's ability to communicate their feelings, and their ability to dialogue in a respectful way with a parent or other trusted adult.

Question from chat room: So those arrested yesterday-- how were their jokes construed as threats to be regarded seriously? What's the litmus test?

Dominic Cappello: Again, as I discussed earlier, knowing what to do about jokes is not always easy. Kids in America love to joke and make references to violence. Parents have to trust their instincts, and when in doubt, ask the child why they're making such jokes, and clearly state one's concern about the use of humor related to hurting another person. This comes back to each parent's family values about what is appropriate joking, and what is inappropriate. Chapter two addresses this thoroughly.

Question from chat room: How do we help our children to see us as their friend, and have them tell us things they have heard?

Dominic Cappello: Well, most parents report that children in elementary school are open to talking about their day, their thoughts and their feelings. But once puberty sets in, and the child goes to middle school, many parents report children, especially males, becoming less and less interested in communicating with them. What many parents have done is to enlist grandparents, aunts, uncles, and other trusted adult family friends. Parents can acknowledge that teens will experiment with independence, and may not want to talk, but they will in general be open to talking with other adults. Parents should feel that they are not in this alone, and that violence prevention is a job for the entire extended family.

Question from chat room: My son has been bullied for four years now ranging from mouthy comments to getting beat up to the point of a concussion, to having a knife pulled on him. We have gone to the principal and police and nothing is done. Also my son has been suspended for defending himself and bringing it to the principal, but nothing is done to the others.

Dominic Cappello: Some parents in similar situations have done the following. First, put in writing the situation at hand. Document incidents, naming dates, places and names. This letter should be sent to his schoolteachers, the school counselor, and the school principal. The letter should end with a statement about wanting to find a solution to the violence the child is experiencing, and wanting to hear from the school principal. If there is no response within a few weeks, this letter needs to be sent to the district office, to the school superintendent. Copies of that letter should go to the child's teachers and school principal.

If there is no response that is satisfying, another letter must go to state representatives from your district. Copies should go to the superintendent, the principal, and the teachers. This may seem like a long, cumbersome process, but many parents have found results from putting things in writing and being persistent. Children's lives are at stake, and we must work with the schools to follow the protocol they've established. Most schools are willing to work with parent organizations to solve problems, but in some cases, the schools have not responded, and the district has been able to come in and remedy the situation. Chapter five in the book discusses working with the school personnel.

Question from chat room: Mr. Cappello: Today, a lot of children are spending time with others--both known and unknown to theml--on the Internet. It's really tough to monitor that.

Dominic Cappello: In the book, we talk about family rules about the Internet, and whether or not it's even wise to have a computer in a child's bedroom. Many families have brought the computer into the family room where a parent can monitor. We all know that children have friends with access to the Internet, so parents need to reinforce their concerns about unsafe Internet use. Nothing is 100% perfect, but by starting early with younger children, parents can build a stronger relationship built on mutual trust and respect, so as they grow, there's a better chance that family rules will be honored.

CNN Moderator: Do you have any final thoughts to share with us today?

Dominic Cappello: The solutions to violence are complex, as I've said, but solutions begin with one committed person. I hope that each of you, in your own way, can become involved with your child's school, religious organization, community group, or with neighbors, to continue this dialogue about violence, and making the world a safer place for kids. You're welcome to visit www.tentalks.com for any additional information about the books or training, or help.

CNN Moderator: Thank you for joining us today, Dominic Cappello.

Dominic Cappello: Thank you!

Dominic Cappello joined the chat room via telephone from New York, NY. CNN provided a typist for him. The above is an edited transcript of the interview on Thursday, March 08, 2001.



CNN COMMUNITY:
Check out the CNN Chat calendar
Post your opinion on our message boards

RELATED STORIES:
The Secret Service's findings on school shootings
March 6, 2001
Talking about school violence
March 5, 2001
Sex scenes more frequent on television, study finds
February 6, 2001
Teen TV, reckless or responsible?
April 29, 1999

The Secret Service's findings on school shootings
March 6, 2001
Talking about school violence
March 5, 2001
Sex scenes more frequent on television, study finds
February 6, 2001
Teen TV, reckless or responsible?
April 29, 1999

RELATED SITES:
Kaiser Family Foundation
Talking With Kids About Tough Issues
Nickelodeon: Talking with Kids
Nickelodeon Talk!

Note: Pages will open in a new browser window
External sites are not endorsed by CNN Interactive.


 Search   




MARKETS
4:30pm ET, 4/16
144.70
8257.60
3.71
1394.72
10.90
879.91