Betsy and John in 2010 during a family photoshoot.

Love, death and pie: My last moments with my wife

Updated 12:38 PM ET, Fri December 11, 2020

John Bare is a photographer, songwriter and author who has worked for more than two decades in the nonprofit sector. His novel, "Fair-Skinned Brunette With the Porcelain Shine," will be available in January from Wisdom House Books. John shares his house with rescue dogs Winston and Isadora. The views expressed in this commentary are his own. View more opinion at CNN.

(CNN)My wife, Betsy, died in September from Covid-19.

A big part of me died with her.
Millions of families around the world are suffering from the same, sudden loss. I am part of this tribe, a new global community of survivors trying to find order in chaos, grinding through the emptiness this virus has created. With every sunrise, we count the minutes ticking off through the day, wondering if we can hold it together through Zoom meetings at work and well-intended queries about how we are doing.
A slice of moon pie that John created from air-dry clay and acrylic paint.
Caught in darkness, I have turned to pie to light my journey. I'm not eating pie. At least no more than usual. I use pie the way a student of meditation uses a mantra. To practice mindfulness. To soften sharp edges of the day. I carve pie slices from clay. I paint images of pies in acrylic. I photograph pie. I work on song lyrics about pi