(CNN)Most parents know that their behavior has an effect on their children's mental health, now and possibly forever.
As such, we strive to call upon our better angels, modeling equanimity and empathy as much as we can, with the small hope that these moments will outweigh the unhinged ones.
There are times when this is easier, and times when this is harder. Right now, just in case anyone out there remains unclear, it's much, much harder.
With the pandemic, school closures, the fight against racial injustice, the climate crisis and political uncertainty, this year has made it difficult for anyone to reasonably hold it together. Now add to that list raising the future caretakers of this vulnerable world.
The good news is that kids don't need us to be pillars of strength amid the wreckage. Nor does a parent's anxiety or depression mean the kid will inevitably experience anxiety or depression now, or in the future.
What matters more than how unsettled we feel is how we deal with these unsettling feelings. This is the case whether it's we parents or our kids experiencing anxiety or depression.
The relationship between parent and children's mental health
There is a long-established relationship between parent and child mental health problems, explained Marcy Burstein, a clinical psychologist and employee of the National Institute of Mental Health, who has researched this topic.
Children of parents with anxiety disorders are four to six times more likely to develop an anxiety disorder in their lifetime, and children of parents with depression are three to four times more likely to develop depression. Often, these disorders appear in childhood or adolescence.
The why, however, remains uncertain. It's likely a combination of genetics, biology and environment, Burstein said. Also, it's not always something that is passed from parent to child; a child's behavior can impact their parent.
"This is a bit of a chicken-and-egg phenomenon," Burstein said. "The relationship between parent and child is bidirectional and complex. Sometimes the anxious child can elicit less parental warmth or overprotection, as studies show."
But no matter where and how mental illness starts — something that may be impossible to pinpoint with precision — Burstein wants parents to know that nobody is to blame.
"Mental health issues should be considered like any other illness," she said. "We don't blame someone for having diabetes."
Eli Lebowitz, director of the Yale Child Study Center's Program for Anxiety Disorders, agreed.
When it comes to children experiencing anxiety and depression, he rarely thinks a parent's own struggles with mental health are the direct cause.