How parents shape their children's mental health

Parents who are battling anxiety and depression can support their children's well-being by taking the time to talk about it. That way, kids don't think your struggles are their fault.

(CNN)Most parents know that their behavior has an effect on their children's mental health, now and possibly forever.

As such, we strive to call upon our better angels, modeling equanimity and empathy as much as we can, with the small hope that these moments will outweigh the unhinged ones.
There are times when this is easier, and times when this is harder. Right now, just in case anyone out there remains unclear, it's much, much harder.
    With the pandemic, school closures, the fight against racial injustice, the climate crisis and political uncertainty, this year has made it difficult for anyone to reasonably hold it together. Now add to that list raising the future caretakers of this vulnerable world.
    The good news is that kids don't need us to be pillars of strength amid the wreckage. Nor does a parent's anxiety or depression mean the kid will inevitably experience anxiety or depression now, or in the future.
    What matters more than how unsettled we feel is how we deal with these unsettling feelings. This is the case whether it's we parents or our kids experiencing anxiety or depression.

    The relationship between parent and children's mental health

    There is a long-established relationship between parent and child mental health problems, explained Marcy Burstein, a clinical psychologist and employee of the National Institute of Mental Health, who has researched this topic.
    Children of parents with anxiety disorders are four to six times more likely to develop an anxiety disorder in their lifetime, and children of parents with depression are three to four times more likely to develop depression. Often, these disorders appear in childhood or adolescence.
    The why, however, remains uncertain. It's likely a combination of genetics, biology and environment, Burstein said. Also, it's not always something that is passed from parent to child; a child's behavior can impact their parent.
    "This is a bit of a chicken-and-egg phenomenon," Burstein said. "The relationship between parent and child is bidirectional and complex. Sometimes the anxious child can elicit less parental warmth or overprotection, as studies show."
    But no matter where and how mental illness starts — something that may be impossible to pinpoint with precision — Burstein wants parents to know that nobody is to blame.
    "Mental health issues should be considered like any other illness," she said. "We don't blame someone for having diabetes."
    Eli Lebowitz, director of the Yale Child Study Center's Program for Anxiety Disorders, agreed.
    When it comes to children experiencing anxiety and depression, he rarely thinks a parent's own struggles with mental health are the direct cause.
    "There is still this idea that it is all the parent's fault, which mental health, as a discipline, has a long history of saying," said Lebowitz, author of the forthcoming "Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD: A Scientifically Proven Program for Parents," "They have blamed parents for so many problems."
    This isn't to say parents have no influence over their children's mental well-being.

    It's all in the response

    Emotional suffering is inevitable. Life is painful and uncomfortable at some point for all of us. If you never experience these feelings, well, I have some bad news. You're likely neck-deep in denial or toxic positivity (or both), and it isn't benefiting anyone, least of all yourself.
    Sometimes anxiety and sadness can be managed without professional help. And sometimes they're so strong that they qualify as a clinical disorder and demand professional help.