Look: I don’t know EXACTLY what President Donald Trump is going to say about immigration and the border wall in his prime time address at 9 p.m. Eastern tonight.
But I have a pretty good idea – based on what he (and his administration types) have said over the 18 days of the government shutdown. So in honor of my 6-year-old son who is WAY into Mad Libs right now – and basically writes “butt” or “poop” every single time you are asked to supply a noun – here is my Mad Libs version of what Trump will say.
My Fellow Americans. I speak to you tonight at a moment of [noun meaning extreme peril] for our country.
In 2016, I ran a [adjective that describes utter greatness] campaign for president. No one said I could win. And then I did. [Adverb for “large”].
In that [adjective meaning glorious – oh hell, just say “glorious”] race, I promised we would build a wall to protect our southern border. And the people would [verb], “Build that Wall.” So [adjective for the most glorious thing you have ever heard].
But now, [adjective for lowliest scum on earth] Democrats in Congress are keeping the government closed because they don’t care about keeping you safe. They are for open borders, letting any [very, very negative adjective] individual cross into America without even knowing who they are.
In 2018 alone, [debunked stat about terrorists crossing the southern border] crossed into the United States. We can’t let it happen, folks. Can’t do it. In fact, I was talking to past presidents and they told me [falsehood that ex-presidents told Trump they should have built the wall].
This has to end. I’ve long proposed we build a wall of [literally any building substance in the world]. And even some Democrats agree that if we build the wall out of [any building substance you didn’t name above] we can get it done. And done soon.
We need to do it. No choice!
I spent the holidays at the White House, [synonym for loafing around, watching TV and tweeting]. And federal workers just kept telling me to keep the government closed because they would [adverb meaning thrilled] forego paychecks for years, if need be, to secure the border. So true.
Therefore, I am going to continue to [verb for take the ball and go home] until Democrats come to the table with a reasonable proposal on how we can get the wall built and the government re-opened. Maybe it will take [some measure of time between 1 year and 100 years]. Maybe it will take [some measure of time between 1 millisecond and 1 hour]. Who knows? Have to wait and see how it plays out.
But I’ll be right here, [bellicose verb] for the American people – ensuring that their border is [adjective for the tightest security ever].
Thank you, and may God continue to bless the United States of America.