00:50 - Source: CNN
Colbert mocks Trump's termination letter
CNN  — 

With the firing of FBI Director James Comey on Tuesday, the nation’s most prominent investigative agency is without a full-time leader. The bureau has yet to post a job listing to fill the position, but if it does, here’s what an honest, realistic version might look like.

Job Description: The FBI is in the Executive Branch of the federal government. It is one of the components of the Department of Justice. The FBI is the principle investigative arm of the DOJ.

It is currently hiring a new Director.

Opening date: May 9, 2017

Closing date: Open until filled

Position: Director

Location: Washington, DC

Number of Positions Available: 1

Duration: Full-time, or until such time as the President, at whose pleasure you serve, is thrown into a “white hot” rage by your actions or testimony on anything to do with alleged Russian interference in the 2016 election.

Mission Statement: Today’s FBI is an intelligence-driven and threat-focused national security organization with both intelligence and law enforcement responsibilities that is staffed by a dedicated cadre of more than 30,000 agents, analysts, and other professionals who work around the clock and across the globe to protect the US from terrorism, espionage, cyberattacks, and major criminal threats, and to provide its many partners with services, support, training and leadership.

Major Duties and Requirements:

  • Must not have “something wrong” with you.
  • Must be a self-starter (who knows when to self-stop) and quick learner (who doesn’t want to learn too much about certain things).
  • Must continue to lead the federal investigation into reports of Russian meddling into the presidential election process, allegedly by hacking into the Democratic National Committee email and the personal account of Hillary Clinton campaign chairman John Podesta.
  • Must continue to lead investigation into possible collusion between certain campaign officials and Russians, although the President who used to employ these campaign officials thinks the whole thing is “phony.”
  • That, but only up to a point. If you are too aggressive – or too forthright or colorful while be questioned under oath about your work – you may be terminated, without notice.
  • Must keep in constant contact with the President, who likes reassurances – three is the standard – that he is not the subject of any investigation.
  • Note: Whether or not you actually tell him that, he will publicly state you did.
  • An assurance of personal loyalty to the President is a plus.
  • Must not seek new funds to continue a “taxpayer funded charade.”
  • Must be open to being regarded with deep suspicion by the President’s mounting list of political opponents.
  • Must maintain an understanding that, in all likelihood, a number of your own agents might be troubled by your hiring. Those individuals, many of whom reportedly respected your predecessor, are liable to assume you were chosen with an understanding that the Russia investigation is to be either (a) squashed or (b) put on the back burner and starved of resources.
  • Must not be your “own man.”
  • Must be comfortable in a lose-lose situation. If your work on above investigations progresses, you are apt to be terminated. If your work stalls, either by commission or because the case is too thin, you are apt to be scorned as a presidential stooge.
  • Public speaking: This position is likely to require multiple visits to Capitol Hill, where you will be compelled to testify under oath about the broad strokes of your work and baseless accusations made by the President, potentially against a former President.
  • Must understand that if you are unwilling to support the President’s accusation, termination will likely be considered.
  • Must not discuss how your actions, and their potential consequences, make your stomach feel.
  • Must do a good job. Must. If you are not doing a good job, you will be terminated. (Note: Definition of a “good job” is determined by the President and subject to change. The “right thing” today might be terms for dismissal in 3-6 months.)
  • Must not commit “atrocities” during course of an investigation.
  • Must keep an eye on cable news at all times so as to be fully informed about your job status.
  • Must not expect coherent explanation for eventual termination.


  • The FBI offers a comprehensive benefits package that includes, in part, paid vacation; sick leave; holidays; telework; life insurance; health benefits; and participation in the Federal Employees Retirement System.
  • You may also have offers to write a book after leaving the job.