"I saw you hanging out with NBA players like Steph Curry from the Golden State Warriors. It kinda makes sense, because both of you like raining down bombs on people from long distances."
"After eight years in the White house, Mr. President, we're really going to miss Michelle."
On the President's graying hair
"And let me just say, Mr. President, the office has taken its toll on you. You look terrible, Mr. President. Your hair is so white, it tried to punch me at a (Donald) Trump rally. The President's hair is so white it keeps saying 'All lives matter.'"
On being the first black president
"I don't know when we'll get a black president again. They won't even let Morgan Freeman play president in movies."
On Ted Cruz's likability
"Everybody hates Ted Cruz. Even OJ Simpson said, 'That guy's just hard to like."
"Trump's family is always gushing over him. Or as it's called, 'Morning Joe.'"
On throwing 'shade'
"No shade, but Fox is the highest rated network among young people who don't know what shade is."
On Bernie Sanders
"The senator recently had a hernia operation. His doctor said it's his own fault for trying to lift the hopes of the disenfranchised."
"C-SPAN is carrying this dinner live, which is ironic, because most of their viewers aren't. C-SPAN is the number one network among people dying watching TV and no one finds them."
On the Panama Papers
"But I am impressed with the people in this room. There are so many rich, powerful people in this room. It's nice to finally match the faces to the names in the Panama Papers."