Story highlights

Vince Kelvin helps men communicate with women

He believes men should get in touch with their "alpha nature"

Go inside his pickup artist boot camp on tonight's episode of "This is Life with Lisa Ling"

Editor’s Note: Vince Kelvin – a self-described social scientist, healer and sexual adventurer – is the author of “Same Night Sex System” and owner of, which operates boot camps to help men learn how to better interact with women. Watch Kelvin in action on “This is Life with Lisa Ling,” Wednesday, Dec. 9, at 9 p.m. only on CNN.

CNN —  

Women reading this, you know how needy and desperate men can be. I am sure you’ve had your share of guys pretending to be “friends,” until they try a sneaky move and then completely switch on you after realizing they wouldn’t be “getting any.”

Not to mention how pushy a man can rapidly become the moment you open to his advances.

But why do men do that?

Men reading this, I don’t need to remind you how difficult it is to handle the constant pressure of sex-driven advertisements and the fact that – for the sake of survival of the human race – we are, by birth, wired for reproduction.

Yet, despite the fact that from the outside many men appear very serious, strong and self-assured, women – you’d be surprised by how fearful these men are of interacting with you.

Some nearly give up, others bury themselves in their work or study, and many settle for relationships with whomever is available.

Vince Kelvin, center
Vince Kelvin, center

But who is to blame? Certainly not women, as they have already had to put up with so much male oppression through history.

Perhaps men, then? Generations after such oppression, things ought to be better, but today’s men tend to be so hard on themselves when they don’t succeed with women that it further lowers their already low self-esteem.

And regardless, how is playing the blame game going to bring men and women any closer? Just as with the constant evolution of technology, we simply need a more efficient model than traditional dating.

Let’s start with an honest look at the facts of male/female anatomy. Knowing how lazy men can be, the human race would have gone extinct a long time ago if men didn’t have a built-in mechanism to encourage them to mate.

On the other hand, if women were equipped with a similar obsessive drive – even though they can be extremely sensual and orgasmic – the planet would quickly become overcrowded.

So things were set initially in divine order, but it is the management of such a system that is not always easy.

Here are three core principles that I teach my clients to become better men at all levels:

1. Love yourself first

Men, you must open your heart and learn how to love yourselves first, so you can operate from a more abundant mentality. As you experience more personal freedom, you approach life from a more honest, solid and appealing place. That, in turn, makes it not only more pleasant and appealing to women, it also gives women the freedom to choose to participate or not, without you being bound to desperately insist or to take it personally.

2. Be your best self on all levels

You don’t have to be extremely rich and handsome to be successful with women. But you do have to be confident in who you are. That’s why I encourage men to be their best self at all levels, from fashion to profession, finances to spiritual freedom.

3. Reconnect with your true masculinity

We live in a day of such comfort that, because men no longer need to hunt or fight for survival, they are becoming more and more beta (or passive) and feel helpless with the opposite sex. Helping men reconnect with their true masculinity and alpha nature means helping them to be greater leaders in their own communities and in their own lives. And that’s a greater win in the end for all.

Men unfortunately tend to be under the impression that, unless given extremely good looks or great wealth – and even then – they have few or zero options with women. And most men believe that it would be easy for women to get plenty of sex, if they so desired.

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'Let's talk about kissing'

These misconceptions are the cause of the creepiest trait shared by many lonely men: neediness.

Yet, who am I to make such strong statements? I am a wounded healer, whose personal struggles in the area of seduction have led to such relentless research that I now specialize in helping others.

When I relocated to America from Europe, thinking I had found love, I quickly married at 19, but she passed away within a few years. The hardship of having to face loss at such a young age plunged me into a deep depression, which led me to dive into self help and spirituality as if my life depended on it.

Despite great progress at all levels of my life, the four-year drought of intimacy that followed my wife’s passing seemed endless, until I opened to greater solutions outside the traditional model of dating.

As my music career ended abruptly due to a severe case of chronic tendonitis, I found a new calling in helping others. After a few years of assisting people from all walks of life as a hypnotherapist and a success and corporate coach, I became aware that most human challenges have their root at a deeper level: our birth-given need for connection and intimacy.

For example, a woman who initially had sought help with over-eating challenges suddenly revealed her desperation for love. A business executive who had hired me to boost productivity found himself caught in a nasty divorce that led him to a prescription drug addiction.

It became clear to me that I must dive into “the trenches” and dare to go where no other therapist would, and become the voice and solution for a still very taboo topic not taught in school, that of love, sex and romance.

As I was coaching men, a new movement erupted called “The Secret Society of Pickup Artists,” and I rapidly became one of the leading authorities in assisting men specifically to regain their “mojo” with women.

It is true that our hardcore marketing may confuse the uninformed and trigger a visceral reaction from any feminist at heart. Yes, the name of my book is “Same Night Sex,” yes, my website advertises how to “get laid like a rock star” – but few men would want to start with loving themselves first, as it has less appeal to them than the urgency they can’t manage for sex.

The men to fear are not the trained “pickup artists,” the real threats to women are those men who lack skills and awareness of their possibilities.

Why? Because these men often see the first woman who gives them slightly more attention – even if she is a work colleague or just being friendly – as “the one.”

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Watch a pickup artist in action

Those more aggressive men see such women as, finally, an opportunity to “get laid.” Often, they do not openly communicate their intentions and, when their hidden agenda finally becomes obvious to the targeted woman, their dissipating hope leads them to potentially highly disturbing responses.

That is why I am not joking when I say that I secretly work on behalf of women to make men less creepy, and turn them into better lovers.

In a day and age of encouraging advancement of transgressing all prejudices, with the recent liberation of the LGBT movement, I proudly wear the label of pickup artist.

Yet it is a tough label to wear, as our ever-growing movement is completely misunderstood by the general public. But I genuinely think that men equipped with pickup tools ARE the solution, not the problem. For 20 years, I have witnessed men transform their desperation and needy behavior into confidence – giving them more choices and options with women.

We are not teaching men to disrespect women, we are teaching men how to learn how to respect themselves so their actions won’t be based on desperation, and they can be more upfront.

And we encourage men to no longer repress nor be at the mercy of their sexual desires and needs, but to harness their power to honor both themselves and women better and for the greater good of all.

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He helps men talk to women