No, this is not a story from The Onion. It's a vision of our future. The only people who would enjoy a Trump presidency are Jimmy Fallon and Stephen Colbert. The jokes write themselves.
But this is no laughing matter. Our country is slipping away. The liberalism and incompetence of the Obama administration have pushed us to the edge of a socialist abyss.
And yet this is a moment of great opportunity for America. This is a time when we can make dramatic changes and turn our country around. Americans are ready for a politically incorrect conservative revolution. People want to resurrect the spirit of Reagan and Make America Great Again.
The problem with Donald Trump is that he will never be president. His nomination as the Republican candidate would gift the White House to Hillary Clinton. He would self-destruct in a general election. In fact, he may be Clinton's only hope. And even if he were somehow to win, we have no idea how he would govern.
Don't get me wrong, I like the idea of a Donald Trump. I love the idea of an outsider who doesn't care about political correctness and who says things you're not supposed to. Unfortunately, Donald Trump is the wrong messenger. From the moment he announced his candidacy, everybody knew that, but nobody had the backbone to say it.
Well, I do.
Last week, I said on national television that Donald Trump is a shallow, unserious, substance-free, narcissistic egomaniac.
It's pointless arguing policy with someone not intellectually curious enough to care and who makes it up on the fly. According to him, his plans will be "fabulous" and "something terrific."
His problem with Washington isn't big government, it's that he's not running it. He's not liberal, moderate or conservative. He's not Republican or Democrat. Donald Trump is for Donald Trump. He believes only in himself.
Like all narcissists, Trump is insecure, weak and afraid of being exposed. That's why he's constantly telling us how big and rich and great he is, and how insignificant everyone else is.
Like a kid in a superhero costume, Trump compares himself to Ronald Reagan, wearing the Gipper's slogan on his forehead as if he just thought of it. But whereas Reagan was a terrible entertainer and a great statesman, Trump is a great entertainer who would be a terrible statesman.
Sane conservatives need to stop enabling him. They need to stop praising him, stop being afraid of him and stop treating him rationally.
Jeb Bush, Rand Paul and Rick Perry admirably called Trump out for his conservative heresy, but it backfired because he doesn't give a hoot about conservatism. Meanwhile, Ted Cruz is clinging to Trump like a limpet to an oil tanker, hoping to suck up his votes when Trump eventually sinks.
Conservatives need to say what we are thinking: Donald Trump is a madman who must be stopped. Failure to speak out against Trump is an endorsement of Clinton.
We do need to Make America Great Again. We do need to burn down Washington. We do need to eradicate political correctness. But we will not achieve that by nominating a walking punch line.
We face a choice: We can decide to win, or we can be the biggest fools in history and put our faith not in our principles, but in an egomaniac who has no principles. It's time for Trump to take the ride down his own elevator. It's time we rally behind a serious candidate.
I'm the Ivy League educated son of immigrants. Liberals hate me for that because instead of joining their ranks, I'm a gun-owning, God-fearing conservative who's made a career of beating Democrats. They're now an endangered species in Louisiana. As are bureaucrats -- I've laid off more of them than Trump has fired people and I've cut my state's budget by more than he's worth.
If you want to stick it to the man so badly that you are willing to see Clinton win, vote for Trump. But if you want a politically incorrect conservative revolution, I'm the guy who can lead it.