There’s cold and there’s the kind of cold that freezes your soul.
The kind of cold that makes even winter-tested Chicago throw in the towel.
That makes battle-hardened Boston cry out “Enough already!”
And sunny Florida lament, “Not us too!”
Pretty much the entire eastern half of the United States is in the ice box. From the Canadian border to the Gulf Coast, temperatures are 25 to 45 degrees below normal.
That’s 115 million people in 27 states shivering and shouting choice epithets.
So, how cold is it?
It’s close-the-schools kind of cold
Schools districts are canceling classes as far south as Georgia. Even in Chicago, where you’d think they’d be used to this sort of thing.
It’s freeze-the-falls kind of cold
It’s cold in Upstate New York too, no surprise there. But how often do you see Niagara Falls frozen?
It’s warmer-in-Alaska kind of cold
In Fairfax, Virginia, the temperature Thursday morning will be -13 degrees C. In Anchorage, Alaska? -4 degrees C.
It’s spur-some-rivalry kind of cold
Things are getting testy even in Florida.
“If northern states get snow days we should ‘too cold’ days… because I live in Florida and I’m not cut out for this life,” tweeted Miriah Maxwell.
Chris Long in Charlottesville, Virginia, isn’t impressed.
“If I hear another person in south Florida say it’s cold outside Im gonna have a conniption,” he tweeted.
It’s change-your-lifestyle kind of cold
This is too much even for the manliest of men.
Consider the hashtag #ManSwaddle – step-by-step instructions so a grown man can wrap himself up in a blanket like an infant – or a giant burrito.
It’s insane-in-the-membrane kind of cold
All winter of 2015 stories are required to mention Bean Town at least once. And for good reason.
Racked with cabin fever from the cold and mountains of snow, the folks of Boston have gone a bit stir crazy and are launching themselves into snowbanks from elevated surfaces, sometimes second story windows.
Boston’s mayor said, Cool it, before someone gets hurt.
It’s done-with-the-snowman kind of cold
Do you want to build a snowman? No, we want to build a sandcastle!
No one’s singing the “Frozen” tune anymore.
Sketchy Tweets 2.0 posted a picture of a snowman with a knife plunged into its head and generously decorated with ketchup.
“I’ve decided to murder winter,” he tweeted.
You and me both, pal. You and me both.