Measles and other playdate questions

Story highlights

  • The modern playdate comes with many questions
  • Vaccinations, guns and allergies can all divide parents
  • Parents need to decide what differences they can tolerate

Parents: What is your message to parents who don't vaccinate their kids? Share your video or written perspective on CNN iReport.

(CNN)"Is your child vaccinated?"

For the first time, I was asked that question before a playdate earlier this month. Chicken pox was spreading in my neighborhood, sometimes on purpose, and many unvaccinated children were forced to stay home until their exposure period had passed.
Yes, I replied, and I realized I was grateful for the question.
    While I'm less worried about chicken pox, rightly or wrongly, I know the measles is spreading like wildfire in the Western United States, mostly linked to an infected person's visit to Disneyland in December. It's prompting schools to order unvaccinated children and children with compromised immune systems to stay home until their exposure to the sometimes-deadly respiratory disease has passed.
    Vaccination, guns, celiac disease: The modern playdate comes with all sorts of landmines our parents may have never discussed.
    No matter what your parents tell you as they become newly minted grandparents, the world has changed since they let you walk solo to school or roam free to the local playground/woods/grocery store/McDonald's. (You can also remind them that letting your kids go to the playground alone can now earn you a visit from children's protective services.)
    "Parenting takes guts," says Asha Dornfest, co-author of "Minimalist Parenting: Enjoy Modern Family Life More by Doing Less" and author of the upcoming "Parent Hacks." "It requires us to have the confidence to face our fears, including the desire to please and fit in that may be a holdover from our own childhoods."
    I want my child to experience the differences in the houses she visits. I want her to thrive in a diverse world, but I do think some differences put her in danger.
    The parent of my daughter's friend taught me last week that it's smart to think about what differences we can embrace or at least tolerate, and where we draw the line. And to talk about it, no matter how much we want to avoid conflict on the playground and get along with everyone.
    "For me, basic health and safety is always a place to start," says Dornfest. "But does that include exposure to violent video games or movies? What if one of the parents smokes cigarettes?
    "We need to accept that it's impossible and unhealthy to try to control every aspect of our child's experience of the world. There's a balance between protecting your kid from obvious risks and sheltering him from different points of view. But only you can decide where that balance lies."
    Know your deal breakers
    You might not want guns, no matter how well-secured, in the home of your child's playdates. (It's a question that has come up in my Georgia home but not when I lived in New York.) But what if your child's host is a police officer?
    If your child has celiac disease, as do the kids of a frien