Jimmy Kimmel would like us to let them go.
It's that time of year again -- National Unfriend Day, a holiday of sorts invented by the talk-show host to encourage people to prune the deadwood from their Facebook friend lists. In a new video
, Kimmel reminds people about Monday's "holiday" while issuing a warning to annoying Facebookers.
"You keep suggesting we 'like' something," he says. "Stop it, because we barely like you."
The average adult Facebook user has 338 friends
. If you keep in touch with all these people, you're either superhuman or running for office.
To commemorate the fifth anniversary of National Unfriend Day, which Kimmel announced in 2010, may we suggest you free your feeds from these five types of "friends":
Sure, it's sort of fun to get a friend request from someone you bunked with at summer camp or chased around the playground at recess. You look at their photo, judge them on what they're up to now and conjure up a distant memory or two.
But then ... nothing. Unless you live in the same city and have lots in common -- "Wow, I love Renaissance fairs too!" -- chances are your rekindled "friendship" will never go anywhere. Put it out of its misery.
"Waffles for breakfast!" "I'm so sick of my morning commute." "Here's the 11th slide show this week of my kid. So cute!" Some people share so much that their posts become social white noise, like radio commercials.
Worse, their posts take over our feeds like kudzu and crowd out news from friends you actually want to hear from. Lose 'em.
That friend of Ricardo's you met two years ago at that party
You talked about football, or "Mad Men," or something. He seemed fun. "Hey friend me and I'll friend you back!"
Have you spoken since? No.
Unless you truly have become pals, why are you friends with your ex on social media?
To alleviate guilt? To show how grown-up you are? To access their profile and think catty thoughts (ooh, he's gained weight)?
Bad reasons, all. Stop.
Those irritatingly fabulous couples
Yes, we all tend to post stuff that makes us look good. But then there are friends whose Facebook personas are like something out of an infomercial.
Look at their fabulous lifestyle! Their Architectural Digest home, their honor-roll children, their impressive 10K results, their amazing meal at that hot new restaurant, their vacations to Bali and Tuscany.
No bad news, ever. And every picture of them looks practically Photoshopped.
Kimmel has a message for these people.
"You tag people you claim to love in unflattering photos where they look terrible," he says. "But you know who doesn't look terrible in those photos? You. Never you.
"Too many photos of your food, your body, your vacation, your feet, your feet on vacation," he adds. "You've been warned. You won't hear from me again -- until your birthday."