00:51 - Source: CNN
How not to ruin your first year in Congress
Washington CNN —  

Welcome to Washington, freshman lawmakers!

By now you and your colleagues are settling in for the first days of your week-long official orientation session. You’re learning so many exciting things about the new job and probably getting plenty of helpful advice.

We hope you paid particularly close attention Friday morning during your breakfast panel, “If I Knew Then What I Know Now” and plan to attend your ethics briefing on Monday. Here are the links to the 456-page House Ethics Manual and the 530-page Senate Ethics Manual, by the way.

History, alas, suggests that not everyone heeds the wisdom imparted upon them during these important meetings.

So, in case you zoned out during orientation or haven’t made it through the ethics manual, we wanted to offer some advice of our own.

Here’s a list of helpful tips inspired by some of the past (and still current!) colleagues of your esteemed chamber.

Don’t post pictures of your underwear on Twitter.

Don’t send kinky messages to underage page boys from your office computer.

Don’t make out with members of your staff in front of security cameras.

Don’t try to buy drugs off undercover police officers in Dupont Circle.

Don’t sit with a wide stance while visiting the bathroom stall at the Minneapolis Airport.

Don’t include pictures of your face while soliciting sex from random women on Craigslist during the annual party retreat.

Don’t get caught with a stripper near the Tidal Basin.

Don’t threaten to break reporters in half and throw them over a balcony in front of a news camera.

Best of luck to the 114th Congress.