Unmarried companions also face devastation at the loss of partners
Grief experts: Others shouldn't minimize pain by labeling such relationships as less important
Mourners can reclaim a ritual or place to connect to the deceased while moving forward
When Chris Doheny met Sarah Fox, he was uncharacteristically hopeful about the future – a successful double lung transplant in June 2010 to help with his cystic fibrosis meant things were looking up, Fox says.
She was also hopeful; Fox had recently been on the “the worst Internet date of all time” when she met the Georgetown University grad at a concert through mutual friends.
But after two years of dating Fox, Doheny, 31, died in February 2013 due to complications from cystic fibrosis.
“We had talked about a future, and I think that Chris knew more than I did that we didn’t have one,” Fox says. “I was maybe a little naïve.”
Fox has one word to describe Doheny’s death: devastating.
Unmarried companions can face the same grief and desolation that a husband or wife does at the loss of a partner. But the suffering of a girlfriend or boyfriend may be minimized by others, who assume it shouldn’t last so long or hurt so deeply – as in, “Well, he was only your boyfriend.”
Fox says the “girlfriend” label has been a particular struggle after Doheny’s death: “What do I call him now? He’s not my ex-boyfriend because we never broke up, but he’s also not my boyfriend.”
Fox recalls a co-worker telling her: “At least now you can move on and find someone else.”
Nancy Berns, a sociology professor at Drake University and author of “Closure: The Rush to End Grief and What It Costs Us,” advises against starting any statement of sympathy with “at least.”
“They think they’re trying to help by minimizing the pain, but it doesn’t affirm that you’re hurting – and that I respect that you’re hurting,” Berns says.
During Doheny’s period of declining health, Fox sought out a grief counselor who specialized in dealing with a spousal death as the best viable option – a step, she calls, “extremely helpful” as “it was very stressful to watch him deteriorate.”
Berns says grief is a normal, healthy response to a loss no matter the relationship, and things get murky if the depth of grieving becomes connected to how long a relationship endured or whether it was legally binding.
She added that our culture also needs to eliminate the notion that grief ends. What’s more helpful is learning to live with a loss: “Grieving helps us identify what we lost and express the love that we had.”
Losing a unmarried partner in the public eye can mean a greater level of scrutiny and a heightened set of expectations. The public wonders how a celebrity will respond to such a loss – recent examples include Lea Michele after the death of her boyfriend and “Glee” co-star Cory Monteith and Mick Jagger and deceased fashion designer L’Wren Scott.
In her first televised appearance after Monteith’s death, Michele dedicated her Teen Choice Award to him.
“For all of you out there who loved and admired Cory as much as I did, I promise that, with your love, we’re going to get through this together,” she said through tears.
Berns says the heightened attention happens in part because other people’s pain is uncomfortable, even taboo. We want a clean, clear statement about the loss and reaction from the surviving half of a well-known couple to sew up the narrative. Instead of trying to hurry the grieving process up or tiptoe around it, the public should allow people to grieve and speak in their own time.
There are practical matters, too. Some unmarried partners leave clear instructions on how to include loved ones in family decisions after their passing, such as a last will, while some do not. The latter can leave a boyfriend or girlfriend adrift.
Berns notes it is helpful for a grieving partner when the family allows him or her in on decisions such as funeral planning. She advises those who have lost a partner to make clear early on they want to be included in honoring their loved one.
Fox says she had a good relationship with Doheny’s parents and was able to help with his memorial. The couple had bonded over their love of reading, and Doheny left behind an unpublished novel. So Fox helped establish the Christopher Doheny Award at the New York Mercantile Library’s Center for Fiction, which is granted to a writer who has dealt with a life-threatening illness firsthand or via a close relative or friend.
Sometimes it helps to hold onto a tangible piece of a relationship.