Apparently This Matters is CNN Tech's weekly, off-beat look at topics trending on social media
This week, Jarrett Bellini reflects on the Internet's brief, horrible fear of a bacon-free planet
UK researchers had suggested drought wouldn't leave enough crops to feed the pigs
In other news, bacon would make a great president
Editor’s Note: Each week in “Apparently This Matters,” CNN’s Jarrett Bellini applies his warped sensibilities to trending topics in social media and random items of interest on the interwebs.
This week there was one particular story from the UK that really seemed to resonate with Americans on the Web. Mind you, it had nothing to do with topless photos of Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge, for it seems we’ve finally moved on. Though, I’m not sure why.
Seriously, when did we all of a sudden become decent human beings, unmoved by the promise of grainy photos of Catherine’s bare chest? When did we decide that we would boldly shun and forget these images and thus no longer encourage the paparazzi to invade the privacy of foreign royalty?
Answer: Tuesday. When we learned there might be a bacon shortage.
Yes, that’s when everyone here on this side of the pond collectively freaked out over the possibility that we might have to one day hit up the buffet and actually eat fresh fruit – with all that “nutrition” and “flavor.” That was the real tipping point.
It’s like Abraham Lincoln once said, “You can take away our dirty Internet smut, but hands off the pork, dude.”
Without question, bacon is the most interesting meat in the world, and if it were capable of original thought, we wouldn’t even be having an election this November in America. We would simply appoint bacon as our forever leader and live dutifully under its rule.
“Today, for no apparent reason, I instructed U.S. troops to invade Calgary.”
“Hooray! Thanks, bacon!”
So, clearly, this was a big deal – the kind of news that required every ounce of hyperbole I could muster. And maybe even pants. Maybe.
The whole scare actually exploded on social media a couple of days after the National Pig Association of the United Kingdom (Motto: Some swine with your tea?) put out a press release ominously stating, “A world shortage of pork and bacon next year is now unavoidable.”
They might as well have just printed, “Jump off a bridge. Take a friend.”
The report sort of suggested that European drought conditions were the cause of the upcoming pork shortage – that unfavorable weather had ruined the corn and soybean crop. Thus, less feed means fewer European pigs. That, or they’re all just taking a gap year to go backpacking in Australia.
“Oy, mate, let’s grab a pint and be hyper-critical of the American pigs staying in our hostel.”
Naturally, it didn’t take too long before all hell broke loose on Twitter. The great comedian Loni Love led the way:
“Everyone complaining about replacement refs..we got bigger problems folks!! A BACON SHORTAGE!! **faints like a vanilla sister**”
Love also once told me in an interview how she hoped Gov. Chris Christie would join the Republican primaries because “fat presidents would get everything done before lunch.”
Bacon. She gets it.
But now I’m here to tell everyone in America to calm down. I was totally with you – the fatty, delicious pork sky was most definitely falling – but it now seems we’re all going to be just fine. At least as far as bacon goes. We still have Florida.
Yes, the big scare is over; it was a misrepresentation of facts at best. And Slate business and economics correspondent Matthew Yglesias does a great job explaining what this all really means in an article he posted Wednesday.
The headline of his story, and the basic takeaway: There will be no bacon shortage.
But it might cost a little more at the grocery. Which is fine. I’ll just dip into my emergency bacon fund. People laughed at me when I transferred all my 401(k) money into bacon savings, but who’s the man now, dog?
“You are, Jarrett!”
“Hooray! Thanks, bacon!”