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Friday, November 24, 2006
Jake's Take: Celebrity holiday
Dozens of movie and TV stars made appearances this Thanksgiving night at several soup kitchens across the Los Angeles area. They helped distribute meals and gave thanks they were not Michael Richards.
Jake's Take: No NFL Thursday night
The NFL Network's exclusive broadcast of the Denver-Kansas City football game Thanksgiving night was not available in most of the country. This tragically forced millions of American men to actually spend time with their families.
American Voices: Two kinds of humans
British evolutionary theorist Oliver Curry claims that the human race may split into two sub-species in the next 100,000 years. What do you think?

"Well, I hope my descendents end up in the elite class, or in the roving pack of disobedient workers that live in the sewers and feed on the attractive."
- Aaron Knudsen, Soccer coach


"This is just like that movie The Time Machine. Wait, no, Revenge of the Nerds."
- Gary Curry, Linguist


"Personally, I'm still pissed that we lost the vestigial tail."
- Dannie Clarson, Life coach


Get more from The Onion
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Jake's Take: Top 5 things you saw at the airport this Thanksgiving
5. A shady dude at the departure gate offering to sell you back your just-confiscated bottle of shampoo for $50

4. Lots of returning service men and women from Iraq looking for John Kerry

3. Thousands of people crowding in the terminal thinking it's the line for the PlayStation 3

2. O.J. Simpson trying to sell his latest manuscript to the airport bookstore

1. Dozens of ex-Republican Congressmen on their way home... for good
Taking 'Kramer' to the woodpile


Cartoonist Dean Turnbloom suggests Michael Richards might feel like a
doomed turkey after his "unfortunate breakdown onstage."

Gallery: More I-Report 'toons
Send your own cartoon
Monday, November 20, 2006
Statshot
Jake's Take: Emmitt wins
Former NFL star Emmitt Smith won "Dancing With the Stars" Wednesday night. He will never be allowed to play football again.
Jake's Take: Madonna adoptions
Madonna says she wants to adopt another baby from Malawi and will give her two children, Lourdes and Rocco, a "choice" in selecting their new sister. Too bad they didn't have a choice in selecting a mother.
FEATURED CONTRIBUTORS
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