Saturday, September 16, 2006
Jake's Take: Ford buyouts
Ford has offered all 75,000 of its hourly workers employment buyouts. The best part of the deal is that they'll each be given a free Toyota.
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 Add a comment | Email this postFriday, September 15, 2006
News in Brief: Ghostwriter takes liberties with Paul Reiser’s life
LOS ANGELES—Challenged with the task of filling in details about Paul Reiser’s life since the actor–comedian’s work on the series Mad About You, ghostwriter Patrick Zyglund resorted to outright fabrication Tuesday. “I think I can spice things up a bit with a couple dozen pages in which Paul insinuates that he’s drying out in a private recovery spa in Baja California and has to turn down roles in Unforgiven and Short Cuts, then sex it up with an extramarital love interest, let’s say with a British supermodel,” Zyglund said. “That’ll give me the chance to gloss over The Marrying Man.” Reiser himself was not available for comment on the autobiography, tentatively titled Reiserhood and scheduled for a May 2007 release, since his agent has not yet informed him it is being written.
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Thursday, September 14, 2006
American Voices: Work up, pay down
Over the last decade, American work productivity has increased 33%, while wages have only increased 11%. What do you think?
 "Look, I've only got five minutes for my break, and I'm not about to waste it talking to you."- Mike Schwartz, Lens Grinder  "I love the notion that workers are somehow supposed to be rewarded for increased productivity. Do you see any of those CEO's being rewarded for being more productive? No. They are being rewarded for absolutely no reason." - John McDougal, CEO  "So if I reduce my productivity 20%, it'll be like getting an automatic raise. Which will come in handy when I'm fired for taking 3-day weekends."- Marilyn Wittner, IT Specialist Get more from The Onion
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
News in Brief: Jimmy Buffett pays for drink; first time in 17 years
MIAMI BEACH, FL—Entertainment personality and novelty-song writer Jimmy Buffett sustained confusion Monday after being forced to hand over approximately $10 for an alcoholic beverage he ordered at Miami Beach’s Beachcombover’s Dugout Bar And Grill, an incident that had not occurred since the late 1980s. “I’m still not sure how it happened—I ordered a Long Island Iced Tea, drank it, and got up to leave as usual, but then the bartender stopped me, and I didn’t know what he wanted me to do,” said Buffett, 60, who composed a bitter yet theoretically humorous ballad about the incident later that day. “When he requested money for the drink, I thought, well, that’s reasonable. But then no one would give him any.” Bar staff said that perhaps the timing of the incident contributed to Buffett’s predicament, since during the day potential drink-buyers typically spend their weekday afternoons managing shoe stores, adjusting claims, or entering data.
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Jake's Take: Hilton DUI
Paris Hilton has been arrested for drunk driving. How police were able to tell the difference between a drunk Paris Hilton and a sober Paris Hilton is beyond comprehension.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
News in Brief: Sweat-stain-dating technology unlocks age of assistant managers
SCHAUMBURG, IL—Business archaeologists from the Northern Illinois College Of Applied Business Sciences have developed a sodium-dating technique they said will more accurately determine the age of the world’s assistant managers. “A wavelength of light emitted by a special halogen desk lamp, when applied to the concentric yellowish rings on the underarms, collars, and loosened neckties of middle management, allows their age to be calculated to within seven years,” said Professor Frank Winters, who admitted to testing the experimental procedure on himself. “The process is safe, reliable, and vital to our understanding of exactly how long this strange race has existed beside humans.” Winters is working on predictive applications of the new technology that may be able to predict how long these evolutionary dead ends will survive in their current business environment.
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Jake's Take: Questionable things about ABC's "Path to 9/11"
5) Secretary of State Madeline Albright is being played by Lindsay Lohan
4) Much of the script written by the same people who did "According to Jim" 3) Obnoxious laugh track plays every time Osama bin Laden appears on camera 2) Plot makes less sense than the first season of "Lost" 1) It's sponsored by Halliburton American Voices: Cigarettes have more nicotine
A recent study shows that the amount of nicotine in cigarettes rose an average of 10% between 1998 and 2004. What do you think?
"In my day, all you ever needed for repeat business was the product dancing with a sexy pair of gams."- Tyler Torres, Bricklayer  "And they say big tobacco doesn't care about their customers."- Audrey Wilson, Paralegal "Um, I can’t really tell: Was this a pro or anti-smoking study?"- Mike Brown, Freight Consultant Get more from The Onion
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