TULSA, OK -- At the stroke of midnight, Jan. 1, 2000, the clouds opened above the Bible Belt and a golden staircase appeared for all born-again Christians who do not bear the Mark of the Beast to ascend into Heaven and enjoy Everlasting Salvation.
Night turned to day as Jesus Christ appeared at the top of the staircase in a blinding white sun-beam to select only 1,000 believers for ascension into Heaven, as outlined in the Book of Revelation.
"Follow Me," the bearded, unkempt Jew told His assembled flock as He unrolled a papyrus scroll bearing a list of names. The list was a veritable Who's Who of the Christian Right. "Pat Buchanan, Bob Dornan, Jerry Falwell, Fred Phelps, Ralph Reed, Trent Lott..." Jesus read on, as those named followed Him into the clouds.
Millionaire cable-TV executive and right-wing politician Pat Robertson smiled gleefully as he slowly climbed the stairs. "I've been waiting for this moment all my life," he said, his three-piece suit shimmering in the beatific glare.
"I am going to a place where everybody is like me, filled with Christian love and understanding," said conservative talk-show host and two-time presidential candidate Buchanan. "There will also be a shared hatred of gays."
Sources close to Jesus say He and Buchanan will meet privately later this week to discuss a gay-killing meteor, which could smite the Earth's wicked Sodomites by as early as 2002.
"Remember, Jesus loves you," said Christ, waving from atop the golden staircase, flanked by Robertson, Buchanan and Falwell, who also waved down to the damned. "So long, suckers!" Falwell exclaimed.
Noted astronomer and atheist Carl Sagan, whose skull is now the drinking gourd of Satan, spoke from the fourth level of Hell, saying, "Save me, Jesus. I was wrong to value scientific reasoning over divine faith. Please, take me with you."
The chosen Christians are expected to enjoy an eternity of worshipping God and singing hymns in Heaven. "I expect it will be a great deal like being in Sunday service, except it will never end," Robertson said. "I am very excited about it."
Copyright 1999 by Three Rivers Press, a division of Crown Publishing Group. All rights reserved.