DR. RUTH WESTHEIMER

On what spawned "Grandparents" 625k WAV audio file 2.1Mb QuickTime movie On the rules of grandparenting 615k WAV audio file 2.1Mb QuickTime movie

Web posted on: Monday, September 21, 1998 4:07:49 PM EDT

(CNN) -- Dr. Ruth Westheimer is of course best known as a frank-talking sex therapist. But her new book, "Grandparenthood," has nothing to do with the sex lives of older folks.

Dr. Ruth spoke with Miles O'Brien on CNN's Sunday morning.

O'BRIEN: Let's talk about the book. It's a fascinating book, but it does have some origins which are based ... in tragedy. I want you tell people why you decided to write this book.

WESTHEIMER: Now, first of all, I decided (on) that book, because I'm now a grandmother, but there was a more serious reason.

For many years already, I knew that my grandparents, whom I lost at the age of ten. My paternal grandmother lived with us in Frankfurt and my maternal grandparents were on a farm. They had a tremendous influence on my life.

When I had to flee Germany because of the Nazis, they all remained. They actually did the supreme sacrifice by putting their only child and grandchild on a train to safety, to Switzerland.

So I knew ... I have to do a memorial to these wonderful grandparents who wrote to me as long as they could before they were killed in Nazi Germany. I believe their genes are in me, like I hope my genes are in my three grandchildren now.

O'BRIEN: Even though you grew up without having the benefits of a multi-generational family, it seems to me that they taught you a very important lesson in their actions.

WESTHEIMER: They certainly did. First of all, they taught me something about standing up and be counted for what you believe. They taught me something about values, about tradition. They taught me, together with my parents, but it was mainly the grandparents -- you know why, Miles? Because they had the time. That's why I did that book by talking about issues that grandparents can do.

And you know what, Miles? In the year 2004, there are going to be 90 million grandparents in this great country of ours. And I don't want to get shipped to Florida. I want to stay right here.

What I do say to grandparents is, make sure that communication is open with your children and this way you can have an impact on your grandchildren ... I tell grandparents and in-laws very often, "Keep your mouth shut."

O'BRIEN: You get into areas of the dividing lines between parental responsibilities and a grandparent's responsibilities. Is it an individual thing or do you have some basic rules to follow?

WESTHEIMER: I think the basic rules have to be that I'm not the parent of these children, I'm the grandparent. So I really have to follow the guidelines. ...let's say that they go to a certain synagogue, then I have to say, "You go to that synagogue, but come and visit me, too." Make sure that you have an impact.

I like to be with my grandchildren alone. I like to talk to them. I like to go to Disney World with my grandson, or push that stroller and keep on talking. Because that's how that connection, that's how that foundation, gets built.

But basically, it's wonderful, because I don't have to cook. I don't have to worry. I have nothing to do with all of the every day concerns. That's the parents' job.

O'BRIEN: And when the diapers are full you just say "Here, Mom ..."

WESTHEIMER: Now, sometimes, Miles, I still know how to change it.

You know, the wonderful thing that my grandson, who is now eight, said this past summer -- I was at a suite at a hotel in Jerusalem. I let them all come there and visit and take a bath, because it was a fancy bathroom. And my grandson said, "Omi" -- that's how they call me -- "I would love you even if you weren't Dr. Ruth." That's what it's all about.

Also, when (the grandchildren) are engaged in an activity, (it's important for the grandparent) not to demand, "Stop playing with your friends, talk to me right now." What I try to do is just be a participant, watch them.

And I tell you, because you started with a serious note about my own grandparents, when I see those grandchildren, Miles, I have such satisfaction that I say Hitler did not want me to be grandmother, he didn't want me to be alive. And look, not only am I Dr. Ruth ... and one more thing, Miles. I have to tell you, tell everybody. It's just I'm taking a little time out to talk about grandparenting. I will still talk about that other subject matter from morning till night.

O'BRIEN: All right. Let me ask you one more question before you get away. How much should grandparents be responsible for passing along morals to their grandchildren? Or is that a responsibility they should sort of steer clear of?

WESTHEIMER: No, because children are very smart. And depending on your own values, depending on that model that you present, like being kind to strangers, like being passionate, like listening to other people's problems, which I do, I hope that that is the message they get from me. That you have to be a citizen in this world; you have to respect your own religion and others. And I think that very many of these issues are transmitted by example, not necessarily by talking.