CNN - William July II, author of 'Brothers, Lust, and Love'

Mr. July: Some of it is history, but most of it is well understood emotional response. The bottom line is far more simple than the reasons people make for not accepting such relationships. People meet and love develops. It doesn't stop at an artificial color line just as, ideally, it shouldn't be based on size, height, weight, etc...

Question: How would you suggest that black men in multi-color relationships deal with the assumption that they've lost their black identity?

Mr. July: Assumption is the key word. People "assume" that this black man has an identity crisis or lack of cultural identity, but that's an overstatement. That may well apply to some, but not all. The larger picture is that we are trying and convicting those men of stereotypes.

Marrying a non-black isn't a divorce from being black. It's not that simple.

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Question: How did you research this book?

Mr. July: Part was survey, part was one-on-one interviews with ordinary guys. The main core of the book is just reflections from an ordinary man who happens to be a writer. Reflection and observations. I don't really believe in the idea of anybody being called a "relationship expert." Not John Gray, not Dr. Laura or anyone because we are all learning and changing and evolving and "practicing" our way through life. So, I am really just a guy reflecting on life. What has made the book so popular is that so many men and women of all ethnic groups can relate to the issues, scenarios and truths in the book.

Question: Being white, I've married interracially once and had a girlfriend ... both Asian, second generation, and my parents still can't stand it ... nor can their peer counterparts ... Do you have any advice?

Mr. July: Yea, my advice is to go with what you want. Everybody has their own ideas for you but in the final analysis, only you are living your life. And if you're terribly depressed or unhappy to make other people happy, what good does it do?

Question: Mr. July -- there certainly are some researchers/therapists who happen to have a great deal of knowledge regarding family dynamics, marital relationships and other relationships as well.

Mr. July: I agree. I'm not contending their research, but there's more to life than research and when we add more components, we get a richer picture. That's all.

Question: Wasn't this book published independently first?

Mr. July: Yes, at first, I did it myself. Design, distribution, etc. Then I made two major best-seller lists and agents and publishers started calling. I then sold the book to Doubleday and did a gigantic overhaul of the book.

Question: Why are men so afraid of marriage?

Mr. July: You really have to look at how men are raised. We're raised with all this macho "conquer and control" mentality. Then when we get to be older, everybody tells us to put that aside and forget that thinking. But your entire life, you've been raised and rewarded for being aggressive. Unfortunately, one of the proving grounds for men is women. So many men see the surrender to marriage and commitment as losing their a large part of their identity.

Question: What's up with the midnight quickies? Can a booty call ever lead to a serious relationship?

Mr. July: Sure, I think some people may start that way and then go into a relationship. But the main point I was making about the "quickie sex service calls" is that they don't really feed the mentality that will sustain a long-term relationship. Long-term love has to have at the base some substantial similarities in a number of areas beyond the bedroom. For example, some couples can't even sit and talk because they don't really have much in common.

Question: Would you say that men are becoming more informed and sensitive to women's needs?

Mr. July: Definitely. There are more and more men who are willing to open up these days. I don't mean in a mamby pamby way. But in a full sense of being men who have both the aggressive and relaxed sides of their personality developed. There are more and more books and movies that show men developing their feelings and I think it is great because when we get past all the macho behavior, our lives are less stressful on us, and we can get over some of the macho b.s. that is killing men.

Question: Do you think that the whole idea of men becoming more like women, in terms of attitude/sensitivity, is bad?

Mr. July: Not necessarily more like women, but more relaxed in our attitudes about what our role is. You can call it the "feminine" side if you want. But what it all boils down to is men acknowledging a lost part of our humanity. We have the right to cry and play quarterback too.

Question: Does a man's sensitivity to women's needs tend to be related to their parenting or who parented them?

Mr. July: I would think so. But not always. Our parents undoubtedly make a big impression upon our viewpoints. I think it has more to do with the parent's personality and parenting (skills) than it does the gender of the parent.

Question: Why do you think men have ever had those qualities and lost them? Isn't it more likely men have developed these attitudes over eons as a basic need for survival?

Mr. July: Great question. Yes, we developed these attitudes as a means of survival. You should read "Fire In The Belly" by Sam Keene. That's the point he makes. But he goes on to say that mentality is outdated and toxic to the lives of men today. That's why men don't live as long, on average, as women.

Question: Why do you think it is harder for black men and women to get along, as opposed to white, Asian, or other couples?

Mr. July: I don't think that is true. I think it's a stereotype. By and large, if you read GQ, Cosmo, Glamour or any publication like that, you'll see the same issues being discussed. Relationship issues are human relations issues. Some are culture specific, but not most.

Question: Are men starting to understand now that women really do understand them? We are not from different planets, as many books suggest. We just have different styles of expression.

Mr. July: I think we are from the same planet.

Question: Would you, on the other hand, say that men are also frightened of beautiful females who are the bread winners and that men are suffering from inferiority complex? Or is that even related with your book?

Mr. July: Yes, but I think that fear is based in the personality of individual men, not men as a whole. I don't have a problem with a beautiful woman who makes more money than me ... like my wife. LOL!

Question: When I have visited black churches, I have noticed an abundance of women, but fewer men ... how does this play into the relationship between black men and women?

Mr. July: The church is an important institution in the black community. I think church attendance may show a type of spiritual assertiveness (good thing) on the part of women.

Question: What is the 'real reason' it's so hard for black men and women to get along?

Mr. July: The real reason that it is hard for black men and women -- and any other men and women -- is that most people wouldn't know themselves if they saw themselves in a mirror!

Too many people are out here looking for absolute perfection in a mate and haven't done one lick of work on themselves. Not talking about your job, car body or degree ... but the inner person.

That's why so many people start and stop so much in relationships. They're looking for something that isn't offered by another person. Try looking inside you, where God is in you. You've already got the answers.

Question: What do you make of the black male "peacock" stereotype in film and TV? Is it based in reality? And if so ... where does this come from?

Mr. July: All stereotypes have some basis in reality. Basically a stereotype takes a small window and blows it up to represent everyone -- a very convenient technique for those individuals who want to berate an entire group. The "peacock" is one of many stereotypes that exist to dehumanize black men by making them look like sexual beasts instead of humans ...

Question: What's the sorriest pickup line you ever heard ... or used!

Mr. July: That's a tough one. In the chapter that has all the bad pick up lines, so many are soooooo bad. But, "Are you happily married?" -- that one comes to mind. That's what a guy says after you tell him you're married and not interested.

Question: Why is there a belief that a "nice girl" can't have a sex drive? How does having a sex drive negate being nice?

Mr. July: That's a stereotype of women. A throwback to the days when women weren't supposed to get off, just supposed to lay there. Still today, some guys are "thrown off" when a woman has some tricks up her sleeve that he hasn't seen before.

Question: Men have built just about everything in this world and made it the tech marvel it is. Along with that comes the bad parts ... wars ... violence and the other horrors ... what would we have if men became more like women? Who would build the future?

Mr. July: Good question ... I think we'd still build as we've built before. It's not a question of men forgetting to be men. Just adding some extra layers to ourselves for our own sake. As for building, one of the greatest building pharaohs of Egypt was Hathshepsut, the woman pharaoh.

Question: Does your book deal with some of the problems that men and woman have regarding sex, i.e.; foreplay and stuff?

Mr. July: Yea, there's some discussion of "foreplay and stuff." But not a "how-to" guide. It's more about the spiritual aspect of sexuality -- not body worship, but unification through sex.

Question: Why is it so difficult to have a really good relationship with sisters, in general?

Mr. July: Again, I think it's not so much the sisters in general, as it is individuals. Just as women shouldn't lump categorize us all, so should men not lump categorize women. Look for the individual. That's the only hope in getting the right person. Certainly there may be some group norms, but again ... they don't apply to all.

Question: Being a woman of color and being very happily married, I think part of a man's problem is the woman. Every relationship has to have time to grow and develop -- constant change -- I think if women would be a little more patient, men will be more in tune with their needs. What do you think as far as that is concerned among all the questions about minority marriages being asked here tonight?

Mr. July: I think men and women both need to communicate. But to communicate, you need to know who you are so that you can say what you mean. And yes, that isn't a color thing.

Question: What are the 'five things' most men want to change about women?

Mr. July: That was a survey, not a gripe list.
1. Changing the way they act after a relationship starts.
2. Wanting to control everything.
3. Being a drama queen.
4. Wanting too much financially.
5. Sexual complacency.

Question: What do you think is the key to being single and complete?

Mr. July: Single and complete is about having your own center. Being a complete person in yourself. Then a relationship develops for the right reason and naturally, rather than being forced the way we so often do.

Question: How do you explain the more rapid spread of HIV infection among the African-American community, as opposed to other groups?

Mr. July: I spoke with people from the CDC about that ... there's a large number of AIDS cases in minority communities. That's why there's a focus on education on that issue ... it's not an issue of immorality.

Question: Do men really like receiving small tokens of affection, holding hands, having a woman watch a football game with them, little notes in their briefcases, or do they react nicely so a woman's feelings won't be hurt?

Mr. July: I think some men love tokens of affection. They're human! People who aren't comfortable with affection, do they make good mates?

Question: Do you think men and women have a realistic view of who their ideal mate should be?

Mr. July: Some women have that old Cinderella stuff swirling around in their heads. They aren't living in reality, not in touch with themselves ... then some men have some old 1940 views about the man running and dominating everything, and they're out of touch, too.

Question: What was the greatest revelation for you out of your research?

Mr. July: Personally, my greatest revelation was to face the fact that I had bought into false beliefs about happiness. It's about my personal inner peace first. The rest is outside of me. You can relate to the funny and serious scenarios in this book because they're taken from real life. All I've done is take the funny, serious and sensual from life and put it on paper for you and I to reflect on ...

Question: What's the No. 1 thing that men do, that pleases their mates?

Mr. July: Many women say that it's talking and listening ...

Question: If you could give one piece of advice to people, what would it be?

Mr. July: Communicate ... and to do that effectively, you've got to first know yourself. Get to know you before you jump into love or bed with another person.

Moderator: Thank you for joining us for Tuesday night Book Chat. And thank you, Mr. July, for being our guest tonight. Book chat is every Tuesday, from 8-9 p.m. Check cnn.com/community for more details.

Mr. July: It's been great. Thanks everyone for coming.