NATHALIE BARTLE

On sharing with adolescents our feelings about sex: 270k WAV audio file On seizing the opportunity to teach kids about sex: 390k WAV audio file

"Venus in Blue Jeans"

Web posted on: Monday, July 27, 1998 4:37:53 PM EDT

(CNN) -- In today's fast-paced world, kids often catch the wave to adulthood quicker than their parents might want. That's why parents need to make sure their kids are clued in -- sooner than ever -- to the facts of life.

One book is helping mothers impart some vital parental wisdom to their daughters. "Venus In Blue Jeans" explains how to talk to kids about the big issues, including sex.

Author Nathalie Bartle, a health psychologist affiliated with the school of public health in Philadelphia, spoke with CNN anchor Bobbie Battista on CNN Sunday Morning.

BOBBIE BATTISTA: We should stress that the book is called "Venus In Blue Jeans," because it is about moms talking to their daughters. And I would guess that the reason you did this book is that there are special needs for daughters.

NATHALIE BARTLE: Well, I think there are. At least a lot of the mothers with whom I spoke initially in my research, they felt that there was a lot of things that they wanted to do with their daughters and certainly very differently than what they'd experienced with their moms.

And, at the same time, we have a lot of research about girls and girls development and some of the self-esteem issues, and so I think there are a lot of issues with girls. Not that some of these things aren't important for boys, too.

BATTISTA: Let's get right into some of these strategies that parents in general can use when talking with to their kids about sex.

BARTLE: Start early. I think that's really important, and some people say, "How early?" I say, "As early as your children show some curiosity." Because keep in mind that you're conveying a lot of attitudes and things early on, and really building a foundation for what we need to do more when they're approaching puberty and get into adolescence.

BATTISTA: Be open without being judgmental.

BARTLE: Yes, that's really important, and that becomes more important through those later school age years and then into adolescence. A lot of the kids will tell me, "My parents won't listen to me, and they seem to judge what I say." So I think that's really something that we've got to keep in mind with our young people.

BATTISTA: Be honest, which is self explanatory. I think the question is here: How honest, particularly about your experiences?

BARTLE: That's a dilemma, I think, for a lot for parents because when we say we'll be honest, and they say, well do I tell -- you know, do I tell all about my own sexual life?

And no, I think it's very appropriate here that we keep certain boundaries. And we can say to our children, "I want to talk with you about that. I have some boundaries, just like I will respect your boundaries."

BATTISTA: Share your own values and beliefs.

BARTLE: Very important. One 14-year-old told me, "We want to know what you believe and why you believe it." And then she said, "We will make our own decisions."

So I thought that put it really well here in terms of sharing our own moral frameworks, our own belief systems. And I think we've been a little reluctant to do that. These kids need that as something to go on, and develop their own.

BATTISTA: We were discussing what had ever happened to the shame factor, to some degree, when it comes to teens and sex. Talk in ways that work for adolescents. Does that mean being more of a buddy?

BARTLE: No, I don't think it's necessary. You still need to be a parent; you're not a peer ... A lot of these young people will say, "My parents ... don't listen to me." And so I think (parents must) be available and really show that we want to hear what (teens are) feeling and thinking.

BATTISTA: Seize the opportunity ...

BARTLE: That's a big one. We have a lot of those today -- these teachable moments. And I think these adolescents are learning a great deal from peers, from media, from advertising. So we have many opportunities, and we need to use those because they're not coming to us specifically with their questions as much when they're adolescents. And so whether it's a television show that you're watching with them or maybe a movie or the newspaper that morning, say: "Wait a minute, let's talk about this a little bit more. And what would this mean in terms of some of your own decision-making and your own behaviors?"

BATTISTA: Stress relationships.

BARTLE: That's very important. In the book I talk a lot about relationships, and I think we can focus on relationships, and what makes up a really wonderful relationship -- the caring and commitment and equal decision-making and sort of equal power, if you will, in these relationships. All along, even when they become curious about dating, let's talk about relationships. They're learning a lot about relationships, of course, from how they're seeing us.

BATTISTA: And we'll move along quickly because we're running out of time. The last two are: Trust parental instincts and assure kids that they can come to you with a problem.

Now, what if your kid absolutely clams up, and they're just mortified and just don't want to talk about this?

BARTLE: A lot of the kids told me -- they roll their eyes and say, "Oh, Mom, Oh, Dad, I know about that already." That's part of being an adolescent. (Parents must) be available. With these busy lifestyles we have, we've got to build in time.

BATTISTA: So the bottom line is parents have got to do their part.

BARTLE: Absolutely. And let's hang in there through that adolescent period. It's a hard time, but one of the most important things to keep kids from getting involved in these high-risk behaviors is for them to have a close, emotional connection to their parents.