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JOY BEHAR SHOW

Interview With Betty White; Interview With Kathy Griffin

Aired July 6, 2010 - 21:00:00   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.


BEHAR: Over the past 63 years, she`s received 18 Emmy award nominations and taken the statue home six times. And earlier this year, the 88-year-old became the oldest person to host "Saturday Night Live". If only she was able to make something of herself. Her new show "Hot in Cleveland" premieres on TV land on Wednesday.

With me now is the legendary Betty White.

Betty, I`m so happy to have you here. But how does it feel when someone refers to you as the legendary Betty White?

BETTY WHITE, ACTRESS: I just laugh. Have I got them fooled.

BEHAR: Why? You are, though, in a way, you are.

WHITE: Only longevity. Age has its privileges, believe me, Joy.

BEHAR: I do know it.

WHITE: You wouldn`t know that yet, but you`ll find out that you can get away with murder at this age that you couldn`t earlier on.

BEHAR: I know. You get to say all sorts of bawdy blue things in your career now.

WHITE: I`ve been doing that all my life. But they excuse you for things that they didn`t used to excuse you for as far as performances.

BEHAR: But you know the thing about you, Betty. It`s not just age. You also have had a lot of hits. You`ve been in very successful shows. You`re not -- it`s not just longevity. I have to say.

WHITE: I am the luckiest old broad on two feet if the truth were known. It`s -- but it all goes back "Mary Tyler Moore", "Golden Girls" all those -- actors love to take the credit. We couldn`t do it without the writers.

BEHAR: Of course.

WHITE: The writers are the stars of every really successful sitcom.

BEHAR: Well you know I`ve watched some of the clips of you. You have a great delivery; so did Bea Arthur have a great delivery and Rue McClanahan and Estelle Getty. You girls all had delivery. You were all funny, naturally funny. The writing, of course, was great. But you could take credit.

WHITE: But the characters were all so well-defined. We were like four points on a compass. And the writers would throw a situation in the middle of the table, and the audience knew our characters so well, they couldn`t wait to see how each of us would react to that given situation.

BEHAR: That`s right.

WHITE: That`s writing.

BEHAR: That`s true. But you played also on the "Mary Tyler Moore Show", you played a completely different character from the "Golden Girls".

WHITE: Neighborhood nymphomaniac.

BEHAR: My favorite on that show was when you would kick the stove door shut with your leg.

WHITE: That was a total accident. That was -- it was an ad lib because it was in the pilot. And there was a souffle in the oven. And of course, the happy homemaker was protective of her souffle.

And Phyllis came in and so she had opened the oven door and all that. Well, we had this open oven door between us. The whole scene had to play out with that. And Jay Sandridge who was our director said, we can`t get the door, you know, shut.

Kidding. I was horsing around on the set. I said, well, we can do this. He said, leave it in. So that`s how that ended.

BEHAR: See that`s a comic choice that you made. That`s because you`re funny. Let`s look a clip of the show. I want to show everybody a clip of the show.

WHITE: OK.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

WHITE: I think a man should be virile and macho and just reeking with masculinity.

Thank you, God. Do you have anything with hair?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BEHAR: You guys had so much fun on that show.

WHITE: Oh it was wonderful.

BEHAR: It was must-see-TV every week.

WHITE: Oh it was just heaven. But again, we have a new one coming out, "Hot in Cleveland" with Valerie Bertinelli and Wendie Malick and Jane Leeves. And it just has that funny feeling of it works. You know? So we`ll see what happens.

BEHAR: You know of the -- sitcoms are like marriages in a way. Sometimes they just seem to hit it off like two people.

WHITE: And other times you can`t tell. But we never know until John Q. Public gets hold of it and sees what they think.

BEHAR: That`s true.

WHITE: Even if the critics like it, it`s John Q. Public that makes it work.

BEHAR: It`s John Q. Nielsen is who it is.

WHITE: Yes, well that has a lot to do with it. I love your set.

BEHAR: Do you love it?

WHITE: It`s so pretty, Joy.

BEHAR: Thank you very much. But you know it seems as though -- I decorated it myself.

WHITE: I know of course you did.

BEHAR: I threw pillows around. No but anyway, women of a certain age -- I won`t say what the number is exactly -- seem to be having a renaissance in the industry. You know, you have Liza Minnelli was here a few weeks ago. She`s in her 60s now and doing wonderfully.

Joan Rivers, they just did a documentary about her. And she`s still going strong.

What do you think is going on?

WHITE: I don`t know, but as long as you feel this good and as long as you enjoy what you do, I don`t care if I`m 88 1/2 now, I don`t care if get to about 100 1/2, I`m just - you know, until they stop asking me.

BEHAR: That`s right. You`ll just keep -- is there anything that you haven`t done -- I mean, you`ve done a lot of sit com. Is there any dream that you have after this sit com to do something else?

WHITE: I get that question a lot. And I only have one stock answer. And it`s Robert Redford.

BEHAR: That`s who you want to do?

WHITE: Yes. That`s exactly right.

BEHAR: OK. Well, I can relate to that.

WHITE: Not too shabby.

BEHAR: No, he`s cute.

Now the "Saturday Night Live" thing that happened to you recently is so phenomenally interesting. There was a Facebook petition going around. And everybody caught on to it. Tell me how that all went down and how it made you feel.

WHITE: I didn`t even know what Facebook was.

BEHAR: Right.

WHITE: And people would tell me that there was this -- whatever was going on. I still don`t understand Facebook. What was going on?

And the next thing you know, they asked me to do the show. Well, I had turned it down about three times earlier on because it`s such a New York thing. And I`m, you know, so California that I thought, well, that won`t work.

BEHAR: What do you mean? Why do you say that?

WHITE: Well, I`d feel like a fish out of water.

BEHAR: But funny is funny. What`s the difference which coast it`s on?

WHITE: I guess over the years when I was doing Jack Paar show and Johnny Carson and all those shows, they would say, oh, you`re from California and it was sort of a lookdown or a putdown. I`m like I`m not going to go through that. Who needs that?

BEHAR: That`s interesting.

WHITE: But when I got there, it`s so beautifully organized. It really is.

BEHAR: Well, after all these years. They`re on for almost 40 years.

WHITE: Doing things as fast as they do, they better be organized.

BEHAR: They better have it at this point. Here you are on "Saturday Night Live". Let`s look at your tape here. I love this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

WHITE: My carrot cake is obviously legendary. But if there is one thing I`m known for, it`s my muffin.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Florence, there`s a tangy taste in this muffin is that a cherry?

WHITE: No, no, my muffin hasn`t had a cherry since 1939.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BEHAR: The double entendres were flying around in that sketch, huh? But you always -- in your whole career, I said before that you were a little bit bawdy but you always sort of got up to the line and never crossed it. Really, even that.

WHITE: Well I grew up -- I was an only child with a mother and a father who had delicious senses of humor. And they -- the rule was always, dad would bring home jokes from the office, and he`d say, honey, you can take that one to school. I wouldn`t take that one to school. They never explained the jokes to me. But the rule in our house was that if it was bawdy, it had to be funny enough to warrant the bawdiness.

BEHAR: That`s right.

WHITE: And if it was just bawdy for bawdy`s sake, forget it.

BEHAR: And I was reading that you were nervous about hosting. Well I would have been, too. It`s live television. Everybody there is running around. They`re all kids. That`s nerve racking.

WHITE: It was the cue cards that worried me the most because I memorize everything. And you can`t memorize that because they`ll change it in the middle of a script. So you had to read the cue cards.

But I hate that look where you`re talking to somebody here and then you look over at the cue cards and my eyes go back. I just hate that. Well, the cue card man, Wally, is a genius. He said stick with the cards.

Well, when you`re working with Tina Fey, it is awfully hard not to look at Tina Fey. So I did, I stuck with the cards. And he was right. They have it down to a system.

BEHAR: That`s interesting. So you just followed his advice and you were fine.

WHITE: And I stayed with the card. And when Tina`s right here, it`s so hard not to look at this lovely girl.

BEHAR: I know. OK Betty, we have much more to talk about. So stay right, we`ll be back in a minute with Betty White.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BETTY WHITE, ACTRESS: If you ask me, Blanche, your Uncle Lucas is nothing but lonely; desperate, pathetic and lonely.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Right.

WHITE: Hey Dorothy, you two might just hit it off.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BEHAR: I`m back with the incomparable Betty White. You know, your new show is kind of like the "Golden Girls" only you have -- you know you`re with Valerie and these other -- who else in the show?

WHITE: Wendie Malick --

BEHAR: Wendie Malick.

WHITE: -- and Jane Leeves --

BEHAR: That`s right.

WHITE: -- and Valerie Bertinelli.

BEHAR: But it`s about single friends living together.

WHITE: Well, the girls -- the girls rent the house that I`ve been the caretaker of for years, and their plane had an emergency landing in Cleveland. And they were on their way to Paris to see if they can get a little action.

Well, when they`re walking through the -- through the airport, the guys were all sort of hitting on them. They say, why did we spend all that money to go to Paris? Why don`t we stay here in Cleveland? And we`re hot in Cleveland.

BEHAR: Let`s see it. Do we have a clip of the show? Let`s look at that.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

VALERIE BERTINELLI: Hi. I`m Melanie. I`ll be leasing the place.

WHITE: I`ve been the caretaker of this house for 50 years. But you can kick me out.

BERTINELLI: I wouldn`t --

WHITE: No worries. If you can escape from the Nazis, you can handle anything.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BEHAR: Now, you know, you also go on a date with Carl Reiner. He`s hot, Carl Reiner.

WHITE: Oh yes.

BEHAR: Right? Is that part of one of the shows?

WHITE: One of the shows. And he`s coming back. He`s going to do a couple more shows with us. I`m delighted about that.

BEHAR: Yes, well, he`s a cutie, Carl Reiner.

WHITE: He is a delight. I`ve known him for years because he and my husband Allen Ludden (ph) were in the Army together.

BEHAR: Oh is that right?

WHITE: Yes, Allen -- my Allen was his captain. So Carl calls me his captain-in-law.

BEHAR: Tell me about your relationship with Allen Ludden. How long was that?

WHITE: Well, that was just about the best thing that ever could happen to anybody. When you find Mr. Right and we had -- we were like the two oldest fools in the world. We just adored each other.

BEHAR: Where did you meet?

WHITE: On "Password".

BEHAR: Oh you did.

WHITE: On "Password".

BEHAR: Did he come on to you?

WHITE: Well, we met on "Password" and then our agents booked us into summer spot up on Cape Cod. We did a show together. And by the second morning, it wasn`t "Good morning, Betty." It was, "Will you marry me?"

BEHAR: Really?

WHITE: And it took me a year to get smart. I wasted a whole year we could have been together. But -- but we had -- we missed 18 years by three days. And they were the best 18 years of my life.

BEHAR: What stopped you from getting married? You had been married before, I take it?

WHITE: Because -- yes, I had been married before. And I had no interest in being married. He lived in New York and I lived in California. No way will I go to New York. No way will I leave California. No way will I marry you. He was a pretty good salesman, I must say.

BEHAR: But was he funny? I bet he was funny.

WHITE: Oh he was delicious and silly.

BEHAR: He`s very funny --

WHITE: Funny and also silly, which nobody expected Mr. "Password" to be. He was just silly.

BEHAR: Well he had a twinkle in his eye, you saw that. And -- but you`ve never remarried after that. It`s been how many years since he passed away?

WHITE: Twenty-five and --

BEHAR: That was it.

WHITE: When you`ve had the best, who needs the rest? You know, it`s that simple.

BEHAR: That`s sweet. So you don`t get any crushes besides the Robert Redford obsession, is there anybody else?

WHITE: Well, that`s an obsession. You know, everybody. Yes, I think everybody deserves one good obsession.

BEHAR: Now, let`s talk a little about your relationship with Sandra Bullock, who we talk about Sandra all the time because of that horrible marriage she had to that Jesse James character.

WHITE: Oh, yes but she handled it so beautifully.

BEHAR: She did. She`s a classy lady.

WHITE: On MTV the other night, she said, instead of avoiding the subject, she said, don`t worry about me. I`m fine. And she is. But everybody wants to delve in on what happened and he`s such a bastard and all this.

But let`s face it, that`s her business and their business --

BEHAR: Oh yes.

WHITE: It`s not mine, not yours, not anybody else`s.

BEHAR: Well you know Betty, when you`re a talk show host, it`s all my business.

WHITE: Well, you`re in the business-business.

BEHAR: I`m in the business-business, yes.

WHITE: Yes.

BEHAR: But were you shocked by the scandal? Everybody seemed to be shocked.

WHITE: Well, I think -- but particularly Sandy. And I think so. But if -- those -- she`s such a class act. I cannot tell you. We fell so in love when we did "The Proposal" together. She was just unlike anybody I know in this business. Not only a talent, not only gorgeous.

BEHAR: Yes.

WHITE: But she just as a human being, there`s no movie star about her at all. She`s just somebody you want to know for the rest of your life.

BEHAR: Right. She`s very sweet.

Now, Sean Hayes is the EP, the executive producer of your new show, the actor Sean Hayes.

WHITE: Yes.

BEHAR: That`s an interesting departure for him. He`s not usually an executive producer.

WHITE: Well, who knows?

BEHAR: There you go.

WHITE: Who knows what we`ll do?

BEHAR: You know he was in the middle of this controversy recently because some guy in "Newsweek" wrote an article saying that actors who are out, gay actors who are out of the closet --

WHITE: Right.

BEHAR: Could not play straight roles because people wouldn`t believe that they were straight once they were out and gay. What do you think -- do you have any ideas about that? You`ve been in the business a long time.

WHITE: Well, I mean a lot of the -- a lot of the people that we didn`t know were gay and turned out to be gay still went on -- well look, Anne Heche is a good example.

BEHAR: Yes.

WHITE: She and Ellen DeGeneres together very closely. And she played some of these very romantic roles after she came out of the closet. It doesn`t -- I think people are going to worry about how they look at things, and not -- not what somebody else does.

BEHAR: Yes, it seems to work differently for women, though because two women in a lesbian relationship, men like that. But -- they do. They like to watch that and think about it.

WHITE: Really?

BEHAR: Yes. They do. They love it.

WHITE: It could have fooled me. And I`ve been straight all my life. Gee, I`ve been wasting all this time.

BEHAR: See? That`s your next career.

WHITE: Yes, I don`t think so. I don`t think so.

BEHAR: But when it comes to a man, all those years, I don`t know that Rock Hudson, he was the heart throb. Let`s say he was out and everybody knew he was a homosexual, I`m not sure that he would have had the career. That`s what the point of this article was.

WHITE: Actually it was his dear friend, his beloved friend Doris Day who inadvertently outed him. And she invited him to a show she was doing up in Carmel (ph). And by that time he had AIDS.

BEHAR: Oh yes.

WHITE: And he was looking very --

BEHAR: Well, sure.

WHITE: So the minute he came on camera, then everybody knew. And Doris just couldn`t believe that she had been -- you know, a party with that. But Rock was -- everybody kind of knew --

BEHAR: Yes.

WHITE: -- his situation, but it didn`t seem to hold back his career.

BEHAR: No, no but --

WHITE: Cary Grant, the same thing.

BEHAR: Oh he was gay, too?

WHITE: Well, I don`t know.

BEHAR: Yes, you know something, Betty.

WHITE: No, I don`t know. I never had him -- I never had it.

BEHAR: All right. We`ll be back. We`ve got even more chatting to do with you. She`s just warming up.

We`ll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

BEHAR: I`m back with Betty White. Now, Betty, I know that you now know what Facebook is right?

WHITE: I found out the hard way.

BEHAR: OK. Now, people sent us questions for you. The people who are on Facebook, on my Facebook, they sent some questions for you.

WHITE: OK. Shoot.

BEHAR: Here`s one question -- isn`t this interesting? Would you ever play a lesbian? The first question out of the box.

WHITE: I might play one and lose -- no, I mean, I think there`s so much, you know, we`ve had kind of an overdose of that subject for a while. I think I`m old enough now I can make my choices about what I play and what I don`t play.

BEHAR: Right and you don`t see any interest in that. How do you stay so sexy after many years?

WHITE: Oh, it isn`t easy.

BEHAR: It`s a burden.

WHITE: Well, that`s the fun -- maybe the funniest line you`ve said all day. I`m not what you might call sexy, but I`m romantic. Let`s put it that way.

BEHAR: You never saw yourself as a sexy person.

WHITE: Uh-uh.

BEHAR: No.

But what do you think about plastic surgery in the industry? I don`t think you`ve had any, right?

WHITE: Gravity has taken over. So there`s not much I can do about it.

BEHAR: It`s -- everybody does it now. Heidi Montag, this girl had ten surgeries in one day from her top to bottom. Girls are going crazy with this stuff.

WHITE: My problem with that, is you`ll go to a women`s press conference or something like that, and old friends will come up and I kind of don`t recognize them. I recognize the voice, but I don`t -- all of a sudden, there`s this whole new face that I don`t know who that is.

BEHAR: But you know, you`re lucky, you have a very pretty face. You don`t really need it. You never probably needed it. You`re pretty.

WHITE: Well, gravity has taken over.

BEHAR: Well, gravity -- I mean somebody`s got to play an older person on television.

WHITE: That`s right. Not me. But I mean somebody has to.

BEHAR: Somebody, not you. And where do you get your dimples done? Someone wants to know.

WHITE: You mean the ones here?

BEHAR: Yes.

WHITE: I have no idea.

BEHAR: Those are genetic.

WHITE: My dad sort of had clipped -- they`re not dimples any more. They`re wrinkles. You know they used to be dimples. Look who`s talking.

BEHAR: Will you be writing a tell-all book?

WHITE: I`ve written five books. One of which is an autobiography, which is being reissued this year.

BEHAR: You`re so hot.

WHITE: They`re bringing it out again, as a matter of fact. I`m in the middle of my sixth book, which is about animals at the Los Angeles Zoo.

BEHAR: The animal thing. That`s nice that you`re such an animal advocate.

Rue McClanahan, rest her soul, she was also an animal person, right?

WHITE: Yes, she was. And God love Rue, she was everything as far as a friend is concerned. We had such fun together.

BEHAR: You were close. How did you girls get along on "The Golden Girls." people ask me that about "The View".

WHITE: Oh we adored each other.

BEHAR: You got along great.

WHITE: You can`t work that closely together and not become a family. I hear these horror stories about series where they don`t speak.

BEHAR: Yes, yes.

WHITE: You know, off camera. How do you do comedy if you`re not speaking to each other.

BEHAR: It`s not easy. You have to get along.

WHITE: How do you get along with the girls on --

BEHAR: We do pretty well over there. I`ve been there for 13 year. It had a lot different cast at this point. This group gets along very nicely.

WHITE: Which ones don`t you like?

BEHAR: I`ll talk about that later because we`ve got to go. We`ve got to go.

Sorry, I can`t answer that, we`re out of time.

Thanks so much Betty.

Up next, the outrageous Kathy Griffin.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

BEHAR: Cruel, evil, ruthless, Vlad the Impaler? No. Kathy Griffin. Who travels far and wide to torment women, men, and yes, even children. Take a look.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

KATHY GRIFFIN, COMEDIAN: Nothing says wow like a middle-aged woman dressed as a naughty cowgirl. Kind of like this, wow.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: That cowgirl routine was just flawless.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BEHAR: She was what?

GRIFFIN: I think she said flawless, actually.

BEHAR: With me now is the star of Bravo`s "MY LIFE ON THE D-LIST." author of "Official Book Club Selection" now out in paper book. And tireless self-promoter, Kathy Griffin.

GRIFFIN: A new bonus chapter where I talk smack about the people that should have called me with muffin baskets for how nice I was in the original book. So the bonus chapter is worth it.

BEHAR: OK now, what did that kid say that was flawless?

GRIFFIN: I believe the child said I was flawless because I`m obsessed with kiddie pageants in a way that I know is wrong. I get it. It`s wrong.

BEHAR: I find them really, really creepy those kids.

GRIFFIN: They`re creepy and disgusting, and yet I find them fascinating. And I watch "TODDLERS AND TIARAS." I watch, I think there`s one called "KING OF THE CROWN."

BEHAR: Were they freaked out by you or not?

GRIFFIN: There`s a great line I want to have on t-shirts because at my show I sell merchandise and sometimes I sell up to seven t-shirts. Anyway, I told them I`m a little older, I`m 26 years old. And then one of the littlest kids with the flipper and the hair, and she goes, you are not. You`re 49 100. So I`ve decided that`s my new age.

BEHAR: Forty nine 100.

GRIFFIN: Forty nine 100.

BEHAR: It`s a good year.

GRIFFIN: I`m putting it on the map, it`s the new 49 99.

BEHAR: Now you know I did not even recognize you with your clothes on, to tell you the truth because --

BEHAR: I`ve got a banging bikini bottom.

BEHAR: You`ve been taking your clothes off everywhere --

GRIFFIN: Yes.

BEHAR: Even at THE VIEW the other day, walking around - in your undies and bra.

GRIFFIN: But you know what started it. I like to walk around in my panties. I blame Paris Hilton. I blame two people in this world for everything wrong in my life.

BEHAR: Your mother.

GRIFFIN: My mother and Paris Hilton.

BEHAR: Uh huh.

GRIFFIN: Because last year we were doing the "D-LIST." And then Paris went poolside, and of course, she has her Paris Hilton body. And then as a joke I put on a bikini and it turns out I have a way hotter smoking bikini bod than Paris. And if you notice, she`s been kind of sad, depressed since then.

BEHAR: Yes, she has. She on medication since that day.

GRIFFIN: A lot of medication.

BEHAR: Yes, I heard that.

GRIFFIN: And could move in with the Lohans, god willing.

BEHAR: OK now -

GRIFFIN: Now when are the coming on here?

BEHAR: The Lohan`s?

GRIFFIN: Are they coming anytime soon?

BEHAR: I don`t think so.

GRIFFIN: Can I run into them in the hallway?

BEHAR: No it`s not going to happen. Why are they on your list?

GRIFFIN: I`d love to have any kind of Lohan interaction.

BEHAR: Really?

GRIFFIN: In particular - here`s why, there`s a younger one coming down the pike. There`s a boy Lohan. And I think the dad has plans to put -- like skippy Lohan. Or skippy low - nevermind, I`m really low. I`m really dating myself with that. That`s such a -- but anyway, I`m looking for any Lohan. Any Lohan will do.

BEHAR: OK, maybe we can arrange that.

GRIFFIN: Thank you.

BEHAR: Our frat hookers will fix you up with one. Your mother - I think your mother is not happy with you parading around half naked.

GRIFFIN: OK, don`t take her side. Just because she`s old.

BEHAR: I`m just saying.

GRIFFIN: OK, just because the two of you enjoyed a glass of wine -

BEHAR: I`m just saying.

GRIFFIN: Doesn`t mean you have to gang up against me with Paris Hilton.

BEHAR: I`m just asking you. Does she or doesn`t she?

GRIFFIN: She`s not on my side. She likes to throw me under the bus. And when I walk in the room, I hear ding, ding, the bus is coming, and then I go under it.

BEHAR: OK, the other thing -

GRIFFIN: But you know that there`s been a particularly low blow that happened to me yesterday. This is hot off the presses. OK? I don`t know if you heard about this.

BEHAR: No.

GRIFFIN: But last night on the Bill O`Reilly -- I`m sorry "THE FACTOR," Bill O`Reilly made my mother the patriot of the week.

BEHAR: OK let`s look at this

GRIFFIN: OK that`s like a dagger --

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BILL O`REILLY, HOST: Comedian Kathy Griffin, not a big fan of FOX news, but apparently her mom is.

GRIFFIN: My mother loves FOX news, and she loves Bill O`Reilly. We get into big fights about it. She calls Bill O`REILLY her boyfriend because she`s crazy.

O`REILLY: Griffin`s mom is certainly not crazy. She`s a patriot.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BEHAR: Are you embarrassed by this?

GRIFFIN: OK hold the phone. Hold the phone. Excuse me. Who went to Iraq and Afghanistan and entertained the troops? Not Maggie with her box of wine, but Bill O`Reilly makes her the patriot of the week because she --

BEHAR: She agrees with him.

GRIFFIN: But she`s also delusional because they`re not dating.

BEHAR: That`s true.

GRIFFIN: They`re a good couple.

BEHAR: They make a couple.

GRIFFIN: My mother, OK so I call my mom in her new building because she lives half in my place and half in what we call the manor, if you know what I`m saying, because it has buttons on the wall in case she falls. You know how sometimes she has a little wine and accidentally falls. Anyway, so she has this new building, and so now she can finally get acceptance because that tool Bill O`Reilly made her patriot of the week.

BEHAR: I know. Well, he doesn`t like people who disagree with his politics, I guess. Calls me a pinhead.

GRIFFIN: We`ve been pinheads together.

BEHAR: Oh, together? Love that.

GRIFFIN: We`ve made it. We`ve arrived.

BEHAR: How did you get to be so liberal with such a conservative mother?

GRIFFIN: Well, I don`t know. I do it to irritate her, mostly. But my dad was very liberal. And so we came from one of those Irish Catholic households where we argued at the dinner table every night where my dad was the liberal and my mother was the conservative. And so we just went at it --

BEHAR: Was there a lot of drinking?

GRIFFIN: How dare you. Irish Catholics in Chicago, I`m appalled. Bottoms up. Yes there is nothing but drinking and fighting. And also, you know, I`m a gay man with boobs.

BEHAR: I know, I`ve heard that about you because you keep saying it.

GRIFFIN: Well I know.

BEHAR: What makes you a gay man?

GRIFFIN: Wait, hold on. I`ve got a hot newsflash. I got asked out on a date.

BEHAR: Oh by a straight guy?

GRIFFIN: Yes.

BEHAR: Wow that`s news.

GRIFFIN: This is really breaking news. This is bigger than the patriot. And I got a jersey because he was in the all-star game. And he plays baseball. And his name is Curtis Granderson. And he sent me a baseball jersey. And last night, I went to watch him at a game, and I have a picture of him. And he`s hot and he`s straight. What about that?

BEHAR: Let`s see if the director can catch that. Closer.

GRIFFIN: Come closer.

BEHAR: Closer.

GRIFFIN: Come closer.

BEHAR: Oh, baby, he`s got what you call a six-pack.

GRIFFIN: That`s right. I`m going to turn it into a seven-pack.

BEHAR: Now he wasn`t to -

GRIFFIN: He wants to have sex with me.

BEHAR: He wants to go out with you?

GRIFFIN: He wants to have sex with me.

BEHAR: How do you know at?

GRIFFIN: I can feel it. He didn`t technically ask me. But I feel it. I`m a little psychic.

BEHAR: Let`s see if this guy`s straight. He`s holding you here.

GRIFFIN: Yes, this is our first date. And it`s in the hallway of the Yankee playing field or whatever.

BEHAR: So what are you going to do? Are you going to go out with him?

GRIFFIN: I`d like to have sex with him, then I got to go back on the road. I mean, he seems nice, but I got books to sell, I got a show. You know, I`m busy.

BEHAR: You`re also a dramatic actress these days.

GRIFFIN: You mean when I was on "LAW & ORDER."

BEHAR: Playing a lesbian.

GRIFFIN: An activist lesbian who they described to me as the White Al Sharpton.

BEHAR: Really?

GRIFFIN: Have you had Al Sharpton on the show?

BEHAR: Not only on the show. I`ve had him.

GRIFFIN: I love Sharpton -

BEHAR: No, kidding, kidding.

GRIFFIN: You know his wife is named Kathy. Because I`d be happy to be the next Kathy Sharpton.

BEHAR: I think he was on the show last night, wasn`t he?

GRIFFIN: I love Sharpton, yes.

BEHAR: Now, are you starting a new career as a dramatic actor or as a lesbian?

GRIFFIN: Who knows? I`m happy to be a lesbian, although that might ruin my new relationship with Curtis. The dude from the Yankees.

BEHAR: Yes.

GRIFFIN: But -- oh, by the way, I think this might mean that I have broken up with Levi Johnston.

BEHAR: Oh, him? You know, he`s back with Bristol. Get over it.

GRIFFIN: You mean now that I`m with Curtis Granderson?

BEHAR: He`s back -- now that you`re with Curtis and he`s with Bristol.

GRIFFIN: With the Yankees. Please. Outfield. I`m in love. That`s love, baby, don`t judge.

BEHAR: Sports is not your strong suit, like mine. OK, now you got emotional at one point during the taping of our show.

GRIFFIN: Yes, it was embarrassing.

BEHAR: Watch this.

GRIFFIN: It was embarrassing.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GRIFFIN: I feel so embarrassed every time I think I`m doing right or something.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: You`re doing fine.

GRIFFIN: But I feel like I`m not getting it. I just feel stupid.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I mean, you know --

GRIFFIN: I know, I can`t be crying when they turn around because it will be a crying scene. I did a crying scene here. I`m the only person on the show who`s crying during a not crying scene.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BEHAR: What are you, Glenn Beck?

GRIFFIN: I mean honestly, I was crying like it was Glenn Beck on a normal night. Look, that was very embarrassing.

BEHAR: Why were you crying?

GRIFFIN: I cry every single day on "LAW & ORDER." I had explosive diarrhea.

BEHAR: Thank you for sharing.

GRIFFIN: A great diet. And also I was nervous. And also so every single day I was nervous because I was around those serious actors and I cried every day and had diarrhea every day. There, open book, baby.

BEHAR: OK and what about the kiss with Mariska, what happen there?

GRIFFIN: It was cut.

BEHAR: Why?

GRIFFIN: I don`t know why, Dick Wolf just decided to cut it, and --

BEHAR: Maybe he`s seeing it personally. You know how these guys are.

GRIFFIN: Are you kidding? Please. But I did get to kiss Chris Maloney.

BEHAR: And that was hot, he`s very hot.

GRIFFIN: He`s ridiculously hot.

BEHAR: So you cry on the set there.

GRIFFIN: Well I wasn`t crying on the set. The cameras caught me having, of course, a really embarrassing moment as happens on "MY LIFE ON THE D-LIST" Tuesdays on Bravo.

BEHAR: Shameless, shameless.

GRIFFIN: And you know it`s not all bikini shots, honey.

BEHAR: I know you work hard for a living, girlfriend. OK Kathy, sit tight. We have a lot of ground cover. We`ll be back after a quick break.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

BEHAR: I`m back with Kathy Griffin.

GRIFFIN: Did you say Griffith?

BEHAR: No.

GRIFFIN: I think I caught you. Are you sure?

BEHAR: I say Griffin.

GRIFFIN: OK.

BEHAR: Is it Melanie Griffin or Griffith?

GRIFFIN: OK, I`m Kathy Griffin. You know what, welcome to my day. Yesterday when I was at the Yankee game with my new lover, Curtis Granderson. The peanut guy came --

BEHAR: I`ll never forget what`s his name?

GRIFFIN: We`re very in love. The peanut guy came up to me and said, I love you, Ellen.

BEHAR: Oh really you look like Ellen DeGeneres?

GRIFFIN: That`s how d-list I am. From Kathy Griffith, to Kathie Lee Gifford, to now I`m Ellen?

BEHAR: It`s all about the name though. Kathy you are not the D- lister anymore, I know that`s the kind of --

GRIFFIN: Straight guys don`t know me. How do I get to the straights?

BEHAR: The straight guys?

GRIFFIN: They`re like aliens to me.

BEHAR: You sort of project, most of your acts are projected to gays?

GRIFFIN: I`m sleeping with them as much as I can. I am sore.

BEHAR: Hindering the career.

GRIFFIN: So you say sleep with them less, but reach out to them more.

BEHAR: Sleep with gay guys and reach out to the straight guys?

GRIFFIN: How do you reach out to the straights?

BEHAR: By talking about them. Instead of saying, you know, Bob and Adam are having a relationship. You have to go for Bob and Carol, like that.

GRIFFIN: Ted and Alice. All right, fine.

BEHAR: It`s not that complicated.

GRIFFIN: I`m going to try.

BEHAR: Now you took out an ad in the "Hollywood Reporter" begging for an Emmy.

GRIFFIN: You could have rephrased that. You could have said as a two-time Emmy award winner --

BEHAR: Why do you have to beg?

GRIFFIN: -- time for a little reminder to vote others that the network chose not to pay for --

BEHAR: Here is the picture of you.

GRIFFIN: It cost a fortune.

BEHAR: Why do you look Asian in this picture?

GRIFFIN: Because I did a photo shoot with Mike Ruiz. Kind of like Kevin Okwan? He had me channeling Betty Paige.

BEHAR: Oh, I see.

GRIFFIN: So I`m in this whole Betty Paige getup and it`s so air brush --

BEHAR: But you look more like Madame Ming.

GRIFFIN: It doesn`t matter who I look like -

BEHAR: Betty Paige.

GRIFFIN: Because people think I`m freaking Ellen and Kathy Lee Gifford, I just want the damn Emmy.

BEHAR: But don`t the studios do this type of thing? Why did you have to do this?

GRIFFIN: I maybe the studios do it for others. Maybe they do it for THE VIEW. But in the case of Kathy Griffin, she has to do it herself. And that means taking that one-nighter in battle creek or whatever it takes to pay for it. I took a two-page full color, the reporter, the envelope, variety, whatever it takes.

BEHAR: OK now let`s talk about your interaction with miss Liza Minnelli. How was that?

GRIFFIN: Oh it was fantastic.

BEHAR: It was on your show.

GRIFFIN: She did a great interview here.

BEHAR: She did.

GRIFFIN: She had a fantastic interview with her here.

BEHAR: Thank you, yes, she was great.

GRIFFIN: Yes well what was so great is that truly, when I -

BEHAR: She basically talked about her gay husband.

GRIFFIN: She`s very open about that.

BEHAR: David Gest, yes.

GRIFFIN: She`s wonderfully open about this.

BEHAR: How she had to pay for that wedding. I went to that wedding, you know.

GRIFFIN: Who didn`t?

BEHAR: Who didn`t, that`s right.

GRIFFIN: But you know what`s great is that she gets how bizarre that wedding was. Because I was afraid when you were asking her about the wedding, she was good to say what`s the problem?

BEHAR: I was afraid too but -

GRIFFIN: But when she said she pulled Michael Jackson aside and Michael Jackson said, what, I thought you liked him. It sounded like such a normal moment --

BEHAR: How do you have a normal moment with Michael Jackson?

GRIFFIN: I don`t know, she grabbed the glove off. She grabbed him and talked to him, they`re buds.

BEHAR: Now that you`re hanging with Minnelli and me in this movie.

GRIFFIN: Yes and you.

BEHAR: In the movie in your show.

GRIFFIN: I like you calling it a show movie, but yes.

BEHAR: It`s a show.

GRIFFIN: You are on it. She does the whole who cares? Who cares? It`s great. We talk about it. I do, I get her to talk about how SNL can spoof me and it just happens for you. He just does it. He chose to do it.

BEHAR: Yes so tell me about Minnelli on your show.

GRIFFIN: She gives me an acting lesson. Because when I go to do "LAW & ORDER" I really was nervous. And so I go over thinking who knows? It`s Liza. Maybe she`ll want to gossip. But she gives me this fantastic acting lesson and really helped me.

BEHAR: Like what?

GRIFFIN: She said it`s not the -- oh, no, I have to get this right. It`s not the how. It`s the why.

BEHAR: The why.

GRIFFIN: Yes, I thought it was the how. Turns out it was the why. But you know it`s great to go to her apartment with the Tony and the Emmy and the Golden Globe and the Grammy and she`s Liza. It`s dazzling.

BEHAR: So it`s the why am I doing this scene?

GRIFFIN: Yes.

BEHAR: It`s not how -

GRIFFIN: Because I was getting in my head, about how I say it, how do I look at this person. She just said relax and listen. And it`s the why -

BEHAR: Oh I thought it would be like how much are they paying me?

GRIFFIN: Well usually that`s my first question. But we have a lot of people this year, my mom getting hammered with Cloris Leachman. And that is a cockfight. I mean really --

BEHR: They`re both a hundred years old, aren`t they?

GRIFFIN: That`s the death -

BEHAR: How old is your mother?

GRIFFIN: My mom turned 90 last week.

BEHAR: Did you have a party?

GRIFFIN: Oh I`m sure Bill O`Reilly had something at his place. But anyway, yes, as a matter of fact, my mom, she had several party, actually. She was very celebrated. No joke, I wish I was kidding. She has a book coming out on June 29th. And it`s called "Tip It" and it`s a guide to people who enjoy life more through drinking boxed wine.

BEHAR: Really? Oh so she has a little career for herself.

GRIFFIN: It`s like the anti Dr. Oz. Her secret to longevity is boxed wine and like 7-eleven burritos.

BEHAR: Wouldn`t it have been nice to all jump out and yell surprise.

GRIFFIN: Oh Bill O`Reilly`s does it, and then Hannity is naked.

BEHAR: Yes, that would have been fantastic.

GRIFFIN: Or at least Greta.

BEHAR: Now did you read this thing about Cameron Diaz because Cameron Diaz --

GRIFFIN: I ran into her recently.

BEHAR: Oh really, and?

GRIFFIN: Shocking. So I do this photo shoot for "Shrek 4" which I had two lines in. And I`m standing next to Ryan Seacrest, which was a nightmare for her.

BEHAR: For who, for Ryan or for Cameron.

GRIFFIN: Yes, for Ryan. Right, now, Cameron, doesn`t care.

BEHAR: Why do you say for her, you outing Ryan Seacrest.

GRIFFIN: Because I like to tease Ryan Seacrest. And she has it coming. And she knows it. All right.

BEHAR: OK.

GRIFFIN: Well you do know that I believe that there`s a conspiracy against me. And I believe that Ryan Seacrest, Oprah and my mother are trying to kill me.

BEHAR: Care to elaborate?

GRIFFIN: Well I don`t think the patriot of the week helped. I didn`t sleep very well last night. Anyway, so I go to this photo shoot.

BEHAR: Hurry up we got to go to another -- we`ve got to take a break.

GRIFFIN: What`s your Cameron Diaz question?

BEHAR: Hold this for -

GRIFFIN: I`m a Diaz expert.

BEHAR: All right more with Kathy Griffin on the next thing.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

BEHAR: I`m back with the very funny Kathy Griffin.

GRIFFIN: You are giving me a list, you know I might say something inappropriate.

BEHAR: OK, let me as you about Cameron Diaz, we are about to go there.

GRIFFIN: Yes.

BEHAR: OK, OK, you saw her but the woman has basically said that if you have sex with a woman, sexually -

GRIFFIN: Right, OK -

BEHAR: You know have sex with -

GRIFFIN: Is this oral or does it involve -

BEHAR: Well wait a second, well whatever - what is the difference?

GRIFFIN: There`s a difference to the lesbians. Do you know how specific they are at the Dina Sure Golf Tournament. They are very specific the lesbians, I know a lot of them.

BEHAR: Well the question is if you have sex with a woman -

GRIFFIN: Yes.

BEHAR: Does that make you a lesbian? She says no, what do you say?

GRIFFIN: I had sex with Cameron Diaz. I do not feel that -- I have a show Tuesdays on Bravo. Look, I don`t know.

BEHAR: She says, I can be attracted to a woman sexually, but I doesn`t mean I want to be in love with a woman.

GRIFFIN: I don`t know. This is sort of a generational thing for me I feel like now a lot of young women are doing that at parties and to turn on the boyfriend. For me, here`s the deal. I don`t know too many gay men that will sleep with a woman occasionally, like once they`re gay, they`re gay.

BEHAR: Really?

GRIFFIN: Yes. How many gay guys do you know that you banging women on the side? Please.

BEHAR: The ones who are married are banging their wives.

GRIFFIN: Well that`s a whole other Oprah.

BEHAR: I know.

GRIFFIN: That`s a whole other Oprah on the brothers on the down low.

BEHAR: OK let`s move on to something else. How about Levi Johnston, what`s your relationship?

GRIFFIN: I`m not seeing anymore.

BEHAR: You are not? How about Justin Bieber?

GRIFFIN: I have a makeup tape with Justin Bieber that I am going to release, perhaps, in conjunction with "MY LIFE ON THE D-LIST," Tuesdays on Bravo.

BEHAR: Aren`t you robbing the cradle with Justin Bieber? I mean that`s really --

GRIFFIN: How old is she -- he?

BEHAR: He`s like 14.

GRIFFIN: Oh I didn`t know that, 14.

BEHAR: He`s really young.

GRIFFIN: Is that too young?

BEHAR: I really think you should watch yourself.

GRIFFIN: What about holding hands? I can`t hold hands with him?

BEHAR: He`s 16 years old.

GRIFFIN: What if I`m holding hands and Curtis Hansen from Dateline walks in.

BEHAR: Who?

GRIFFIN: To "CATCH A PREDATOR." It`s the greatest show on television.

BEHAR: Oh that guy, yes, that`s a good who.

GRIFFIN: And then we are in that weird kitchen and Bieber is in there - but would you like some sweet tea?

BEHAR: Kim Kardashian might be taking your spot as his girlfriend.

GRIFFIN: Kim Kardashian is in a lot of hot water because the Beliebers are very upset with her and they are army--

BEHAR: The who?

GRIFFIN: The Beliebers, hello, the clay makers? Well the Beliebers kicked your butts.

BEHAR: I don`t really keep up with this stuff.

GRIFFIN: Clay was just out here two weeks ago, you know the Claymates -

BEHAR: Oh the Claymates, yes.

GRIFFIN: Well now there`s Beliebers.

BEHAR: Yes.

GRIFFIN: And they are an army, and they shoot to kill. They defend their Justin Bieber. I didn`t know he was 14, I thought he was like 30.

BEHAR: Are you scared of Bieber`s fans though?

GRIFFIN: I`m not scared of anybody, bring it.

BEHAR: These kids -

GRIFFIN: Who am I scared -

BEHAR: Kim got death threats for the fans, did you know that?

GRIFFIN: Well I`m sure, Kim`s gotten death threats for other reasons, too.

BEHAR: I don`t know about that.

GRIFFIN: Come on.

BEHAR: Now did you know that they make Larry King pay for a book after he interviewed you?

GRIFFIN: Cash.

BEHAR: Is that true?

GRIFFIN: Right then and there.

BEHAR: Why?

GRIFFIN: Because he could afford it, that`s why.

BEHAR: Couldn`t you have given him the damn book?

GRIFFIN: Well, I`m not giving you that one, so don`t be holding that. It`s $15.

BEHAR: No, this one you already signed it for somebody else.

GRIFFIN: And she paid for it because of that awesome bonus chapter about I told my mother not to give away any of her books either. Someone has to pay for that damn home.

BEHAR: All right, I`m going to go with one twitter question.

GRIFFIN: It`s expensive. Maybe Bill O`Reilly can pay for her new rent because she`s such a patriot.

BEHAR: That`s possible. But here`s from a gay fan, a twitter fan -

GRIFFIN: Well that`s shocking -

BEHAR: When will Kathy get a sex change to become a real gay man? Before we go, would you like to answer that question?

GRIFFIN: You know what if it will help my ratings, I`ll just do it tomorrow.

BEHAR: OK.

GRIFFIN: I`ll schedule it tomorrow. I`ve had a face lift. Why would I stop there?

BEHAR: Exactly, very good. OK I think Dorothy Parker said it best, if you don`t have anything good to say about somebody, come sit next to me.

GRIFFIN: Thank you.

BEHAR: Good night, everybody.

END