The way home

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When other children stay home

By John Towriss
Special to CNN.com

Web posted: November 21, 2001

MOSCOW, Russia (CNN) -- I can see a half-foot of snow on the ground already and more falling through the bare birch trees as Trans-Aero flight 206 settles softly on the runway of the Russian capital. We are four members of the Towriss family traveling now and though the journey has been trying at times we know we have crossed the summit and there is a weary contentment to being on the downhill passage.

As Dara and Johnny stare at the world outside the window, I wonder what thoughts must be rushing through their little minds? Do they sense how their lives are irretrievably changing? Are they afraid? It was only 48 hours ago that their lives had a regiment and schedule that provided a sense of routine. Now the only world they have known has been turned upside down in the most sudden and invasive of ways. We hold them close.

Carole and I have enjoyed getting to know our new children. Johnny giggles when you tickle his feet, Dara laughs with her eyes. Dara loves to slowly nurse a bottle while Johnny gulps his down. In Russian they say Dara is "spokoynaya" - calm. Johnny flops like a fish when you let him roll around the bed in his diaper. We've been up since 4 a.m. I'm awed by their resilience.

PRACTICAL ADVICE

Carole and I would like to pass along some recommendations to those planning to travel to adopt a child, based on our personal experiences.

Assume there will be changes in the schedule. No matter how detailed the itinerary your agency provided for your trip, you can count on it changing, probably several times and maybe even before you get off the airplane. Don't let it throw you. Keep the end goal in view.

American culture is not the norm by which to judge others. People in different parts of the world do things differently. That's okay, it won't affect your child.

Medical terminology and practices may be widely different. Medical terms don't translate the same around the world. Your child may have a worrisome note on his medical report that when properly translated is not much of an issue.

Don't worry about breaking your child's routine. Your child will likely be on a very regimented schedule at the orphanage. It will be almost impossible to maintain that schedule with the travel, the appointments and the time-zone changes. Don't get glued to the schedule. You can start it up again at home.

But speaking of the schedule, find out exactly what it is and write it down. You may want to duplicate that schedule at home. Further, find out what kind of formula or food they eat and buy some from the local store. It may help the baby make the transition to your food.

Babies may cry more after a few days with new parents. Guess what? They've probably figured out that you will pick them up as soon as they cry. That's not always the case at an orphanage. You're probably not doing anything wrong.

Talk to everyone you can at the orphanage. Of course you will want to talk to the doctor but don't overlook the workers in the room which houses your child. Often they will have wonderful insights into your child's personality and you may come across an interesting anecdote that will be great to pass along some day.

Learn what you can about the circumstances of your child's birth. During our first adoption we visited the hospital where our daughter was born and came across a nurse who remembered her birth. But be careful: there may be reasons you don't want to do this in some circumstances.

Remember that this is a trip that will try your emotions and stamina. You will be tired and emotionally wound up. It can make people do and say strange things.

Vent your emotions while on the trip. Spouses can do it with each other but those traveling singly may want to make some arrangements with someone back home to call. Remember you'll be making life-changing decisions so you may want the advice of a friend.

Get a calling card before you leave. You may have a phone that is restricted to local calls and these cards will allow you to get around that.

Keep a journal if at all possible. You'll be glad you did.

Find a way to make it special for your child. On my first adoption, I wrote a letter every day to my daughter that described what I was feeling as I went through the process. Someday I will give it to her as a special gift.

Learn to improvise. You won't find many cribs and practically no car seats in many parts of the world.You'll have to improvise on the crib and probably just hold the child while riding in a car.

Savor the moment. While on the trip, it's tempting to be continually concerned with the next thing. Make sure you take the time to enjoy it. And don't forget that you are not alone -- thousands of others have traveled abroad to do the same.

We had to show documentation to prove our children have been orphaned before the U.S. Government would issue the one piece of paper you must have for the children to enter the United States -- the immigrant visa. We had to go to Moscow to get ours.

On Monday morning, we are up early sitting outside the office of a doctor, waiting to get a required physical for the children. He pokes, prods, and looks in ears, mouths and noses, then gives both Dara and Johnny a clean bill of health.

Then at last, we visit the U.S. Embassy at our assigned time for our immigrant visa interview. It is somehow anti-climatic in that it takes less than five minutes to attain the last and most significant piece of paper in the entire process.

Leaving the embassy, I find my thoughts drawn to my daughters back home. Carole and I have sorely missed Emma and Mira and with all the excitement sure to come about our new additions I'm worried about how we will make sure they feel as special as ever.

Each of my children has a special story and I want to make sure they know that, while at the same time making sure they feel it is their story -- not mine. It delves into the realm of one of the most sensitive of adoption issues: How and when to you tell your children they are adopted.

Volumes have been written on this subject and there are many excellent books. Each family must come to their own conclusions but Carole and I have decided to tell our adopted children from the outset how they have come into our family. The story will never change, although it may come with more detail as they grow older.

But having said that, it feels to me that the question of how I tell my child they are adopted misses the point completely. To me, it's more a matter of how I will build a net of love and trust around them so strong that if this issue causes them to stumble they won't fall very far before we catch them. It's less about how I tell them and more about what I'm doing to make sure they will never feel unwanted.

The day will come when each of my adopted children will have to face the issues surrounding their birth. After all, these lives started out as broken and that will require healing. But is that issue any different than any other emotional issue faced by my children, biological or adopted? Frankly, who better to help my son or daughter through a difficult emotional issue than one who has for years embraced them and loved them unconditionally? I see it as an honor.

The snow has stopped here in Moscow and Dara and Johnny are sleeping peacefully as Carole and I finish packing. There is but one item left on our agenda now: Go home ... that sounds good.

John Towriss has been with CNN for 21 years, a journalist covering stories the world over. He is deputy bureau chief and director of news coverage in CNN's Washington bureau. Towriss can be reached at TOWRISS@aol.com


Carole and the newest members of the family -- Dara, left, and Johnny -- look weary but contented as they enter the home stretch of their journey.


A doctor who sees hundreds of orphaned children up for adoption -- and knows the potential medical issues well -- examines Dara.