The candidate mosh likely
BY STEVE LOPEZ
January 31, 2000
Web posted at: 3:57 p.m. EST (2057 GMT)
Ever since Pat Buchanan ran off and joined the Reform Party--that
great untethered life raft for political misfits--the Republican
Party has been missing a certain something. George W. Bush and
John McCain are tediously moderate, and the alternatives have
sometimes seemed a self-negating rack of eight balls. But last
week, as Orrin Hatch quit, Gary Bauer joined Pat Boone in the
Unhip Hall of Fame and Steve Forbes seemed suddenly passe, Alan
Keyes was poised to become the new leader of the American fringe.
As with Buchanan, you can ask Keyes what time it is, and the
answer will include a withering indictment of moral depravity and
possibly end with his head igniting. And as with Buchanan, you
are never quite sure whether to stand up and cheer or run for the
hills.
Given his passion, not to mention his bold leap into an Iowa mosh
pit and the nationally televised exchange with Bauer on the
morality of the decision, Campaign Diary caught up with Keyes at
Applebee's in Manchester, N.H. The Maryland resident was just
settling into a booth in the Elvis Presley Boulevard corridor of
the restaurant, and as if to affirm our sense of him as a
potential spoiler, staff phones rang incessantly. The Ollie North
radio show wanted him. CNN's Crossfire had to have him. Rush
Limbaugh listeners said Rush had him finishing third in New
Hampshire, derailing Forbes.
"You don't do better than Forbes by going after him," said Keyes,
whose campaign is running on a shoestring budget of mostly small
contributions. You stick with what got you that strong finish in
Iowa, the saber-rattling promise that we're in the throes of a
moral crisis in America, thanks in part to the dog sitter who
occupies the White House. A crisis that can only be rectified by
understanding that our rights, as outlined in the Declaration of
Independence, "come from the Creator, God!"
It was impossible not to notice the menacing presence of Keyes'
three square-shouldered bodyguards, who spoke into their sleeves.
There was no apparent security threat among the Applebee's
stragglers, but you can never be certain Osama bin Laden isn't
hiding behind a patty melt.
"John McCain is finished!" Keyes ranted. Keyes had torn into
McCain in their past debate for waffling about whether his
15-year-old daughter, if she were to become pregnant, would be
the one to choose whether or not to abort. (McCain ultimately
said the family would decide.) "He's done! Stick a fork in him!
Nobody who's pro-life will vote for that man if they have any
integrity."
Keyes had just had a warm-up at Woodbury Elementary School in
Bedford, where he talked to 10- and 11-year-olds about abortion.
"If I were to lose my mind right now and pick one of you up and
dash your head against the floor and kill you, would that be
right?" asked the former State Department official and radio
talk-show host. This was not multiple choice. Fortunately the
class answered correctly, and Keyes, 49, said if you can't kill
children in civics class, you can't kill them in the womb
either. Keyes says he saw nothing inappropriate about his
comments, and that he'd taught his daughter about abortion at
"four or five." And another declaration: "The homosexual agenda
is based on ideas that are incompatible with freedom."
"I love this man, and we need him bad," said Rita
Pare, 78, after Keyes spoke to 25 supporters in Bedford.
"Sometimes I read stuff, and my hair stands straight up. 'Laura
Shlossinger'--whatever they call her--had an 11-year-old boy call
up saying he wants to date. Eleven, for God's sake. Go out and
play hockey!"
On Friday, at New England College, Bauer and Keyes spoke back to
back to a sparse audience that included four students who wore
choice buttons and looked on aghast. Bauer left before taking
another swipe at Keyes for moshing to the evil lyrics of "the
Machine Rages On." Or was it "Rage Against the Machine"? (Don't
ask Bauer.) Keyes told Campaign Diary that although he wasn't
sure at first if Bauer was being ironic, he had answered in all
seriousness. "Being held up by a platform of hands," he said, was
indeed emblematic of his campaign.
Buckle up for safety, folks. We're beyond satire now, and
there's nothing but ice between here and South Carolina.
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