Garry Trudeau On A Paula-Bill Settlement
Getting it behind them: In which Paula and the president find language they can live with
By Garry Trudeau
(TIME, June 16) -- Spinning, feinting, jabbing, the lawyers for Paula Jones and Bill Clinton spent the week negotiating in public--leaving the rest of us to wonder what backstage progress was being made toward sparing us the horror, the horror, of a trial now that the Supreme Court won't stop it. Everyone smells settlement, but has the language been found? Probably not, but most insiders agree that the broad outlines will look something like this:
In regards to the events outlined in Civil Action No. LR-C-94-290, the Defendant (President William J. Clinton) and the Plaintiff (Paula Jones) have agreed on the following statements from the respective parties.
Clinton: I acknowledge that on May 8, 1991, in my role as Governor, I may have attended my own conference on quality management at the Excelsior Hotel. While I have no recollection whatsoever of making eye contact with Ms. Jones across the lobby, I do not contest her claim that I did so, since I am often called upon to make direct eye contact in the course of my official duties. I also do not dispute Ms. Jones' contemporaneous assertion to Trooper Ferguson that I had "sexy hair."
Jones: I am deeply grateful for the President's admission that he came into my world and changed it forever on May 8, 1991. As for the eye contact, it was my impression at the time that the Governor was evaluating me as a promising young state employee and not as a potential oral-sex partner, and I stand by that initial impression.
Clinton: I have no recollection of ordering Trooper Ferguson to arrange a meeting between myself and Ms. Jones, but I do not challenge her claim that I did so, since as Governor, I often convened meetings wholly unrelated to sexual activity. I vehemently deny sending Ms. Jones a note with my suite number on it, although if I did, it was only to alert her, as a state employee, as to the temporary location of the office of the Governor.
Jones: I appreciate Mr. Clinton's admission that he met with me alone in his hotel suite, a meeting I had every reason to believe was related to the Governor's interest in advancing the career of a total stranger. I stand by my earlier claim to have been shocked that this was not the case.
Clinton: I have no recollection of exposing myself to Ms. Jones, although it may be a possibility inasmuch as I regularly adjust, lower or remove my pants in the course of normal grooming or hygienic routine, and she may have been inadvertently included on one such occasion. I do, however, deny that I then directed Ms. Jones to perform anything that would fall outside her normal duties as a confe