Dear Ted Cruz...

Cruz, Trump debate 'New York values'
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    Cruz, Trump debate 'New York values'

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Cruz, Trump debate 'New York values' 01:37

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  • Judy Gold: Hi, Ted. I heard you talk at the GOP debate about New York values. You saw them on fundraising trips here yourself
  • She says: Ted, you should visit, come to plays like "Hamilton," eat in Queens, most ethnically diverse county in U.S. Enjoy New York!

Judy Gold is a stand-up comic in New York, actress, writer and winner of two Emmy Awards. She is the host of the podcast "Kill Me Now," available on CBS' play.it and iTunes or at judygold.com/podcast. Follow her on Twitter @JewdyGold. The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of the author.

(CNN)Dear Ted,

How are you? It must be so exhausting running for President. I hope you're taking good care of yourself.
I happened to be flipping through the channels on Thursday night when I saw you talking to Donald Trump at the Republican debate about what you called "New York values." I wasn't sure at first what you meant, but then you explained: "I think most people know exactly what New York values are: socially liberal, pro-gay marriage, pro-abortion, focused on money and the media."
    For a moment I actually thought Mr. Trump was speechless, but duh, he's a New Yorker like me, and nobody cherishes the First Amendment more than us!
    Anyway, it's a new day.
    And I just took a car service home from my fiance's apartment on the Upper East Side. I'm pretty sure you're familiar with the UES. It's in Manhattan on the opposite side of Central Park where you had that fundraiser at those two gay guys' apartment in April? I hope that while you were here, you and your wife had time to visit the Goldman Sachs' headquarters to thank them for that big loan they gave you.
    Judy Gold
    I bet you saw the building as your plane was landing; it's one of those huge towers downtown by ground zero. Maybe you didn't have enough time, since you never know how the traffic is going to be on the George Washington Bridge when you're driving in from the airport.
    I live on the Upper West Side and my girlfriend and I are planning to get married as soon as we can find a big enough apartment to comfortably fit all four of us (two kids included). Both our apartments are rent stabilized, so we're taking our time finding the right place. If you're not familiar with the rent laws in New York, you should check them out.
    In 1997, our Republican mayor, Rudolph Giuliani, extended rent regulation laws after a big to-do with Republican State Sen. Joseph L. Bruno, who wanted them eliminated. Thank goodness, our mayor had two important allies: Republican State Sens. Roy Goodman of Manhattan and Frank Padavan of Queens, who both agreed with the Democratic-controlled State Assembly.
    Have you ever been to Queens, Ted? It's the most racially diverse county in the contiguous United States. My favorite Greek restaurant is in Astoria. Do you like Greek food? It's yummy. Asghar, my driver, and I were talking about how many great places there are to eat here in NYC. He was born in Pakistan, and moved here as a baby. He married a woman from Colombia and their two kids are just beautiful, and get this -- they're also tri-lingual! They speak English, Urdu and Spanish. I must admit that I'm a little jealous about that.
    Hey, I heard that you are a huge fan of "The Princess Bride." Me, too!! Did you know that they are talking about bringing it to Broadway? That would be so amazing, because William Goldman wrote the book right here in NYC!
    Have you seen any Broadway shows recently? I think you would just LOVE "Hamilton." Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote it and it's very historical. He's from Washington Heights and he's so talented. I'm warning you that it's hard to get tickets, but I'm sure you have some "in" somewhere. And check out "Kinky Boots" and "Fun Home" if you can. You won't be sorry!
    I wish I had more time to write, but I have so much to do. I'm going to probably take a Citi Bike (a great way to get around Manhattan, btw), over to the Museum Of Modern Art to get a ticket to the Picasso exhibit.
    And then I'm going to take the subway to my son's basketball game over at his public high school near Times Square. Have you ever taken the subway? It's fast, convenient and safe (as you know, New York is America's safest big city), plus I get lots of reading done there.
    After the game we'll probably get something to eat since he's always so hungry. Sometimes we order in from our favorite neighborhood restaurants, but it's always a struggle which one to pick! Vietnamese, Korean, Peruvian, Greek, Japanese, Italian, Middle Eastern, Indian, deli, pizza -- so much to choose from! Thank goodness The New York Times has that wonderful food section every Wednesday; it gives us so many ideas. It's actually my favorite section after Tuesday's Science Times. Do you read the NYTimes?
    Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this. Good luck getting your word out to the American people.
    Oh, and we actually have a word we use for you here in New York. Schmuck. You might hear it if you ever have the chutzpah to step foot in NYC again.