Republican children tear open their gifts of guns and ammo. Democrats sit down with their nonbinary family for the traditional vegan cutlet, and play nonjudgmental party games in which everyone wins. The crackers come with a trigger warning.
But how do we think the presidential candidates are spending their Christmas? With plenty of imagination and some made-up quotes, I have the following to report:
Some of the Republican hopefuls see Christmas as a chance to woo undecided voters. Rand Paul, the thinking man's libertarian, has expressed concern that Santa Claus is writing a list about who's naughty and nice. "That kind of data gathering is unconstitutional and ought to be illegal," he told supporters at a marijuana distributor in Colorado. Many in the crowd said they had no idea it was Christmas or that they were in Colorado right now.
Donald Trump wants to ban Santa Claus from entering the country. "This guy flies into our airspace and Obama does nothing," he shouted down the phone to me. "He's a foreigner, we know nothing about him -- no-thing -- and his elves are stealing jobs from American workers. We're gonna build a wall around the North Pole and it's gonna be huge. Huuuuge."
This issue has caused trouble for Ted Cruz who denounced Santa as an illegal alien only for footage to emerge of Cruz reading "The Night Before Christmas" to a group of schoolchildren in 2000. Cruz has said his poetry was taken out of context.
Marco Rubio won't be carving the turkey this year because he has to attend a campaign event. But the rest of the Republicans will be at home with their families. Spare a thought for the fast-disappearing Jeb Bush: a "should've been" having to spend the holiday with two "actually weres." Former presidents George and George have advised him to change his strategy. They say he should revise the Jeb! brand by replacing the exclamation mark with a question mark.
Hundreds of miles north, in the chilly wastes of Vermont, the Democrats have their own holiday tradition. Sanders Claus goes from house to house stealing presents from the rich kids and giving them to the poor. He does make a list of who is naughty and who is nice, but he totally disregards it because bad behavior is due to societal factors beyond an individual's control. Sanders Claus is a cranky old man who says: "Children nowadays want too much stuff anyway, what with their computers and their Trek Wars. In my day, everyone played with a ball in a cup and they enjoyed it whether they liked it or not." Sanders Claus would make America a much better place if he was only given a chance. But, sadly, the DNC doesn't believe in him.
Finally, there's Hillary Rodham Clinton -- tucked up in bed on Christmas Eve, dreaming of what she's dreamed of for 68 years. Not a white Christmas but a White House. And this year, so the polls say, she's probably going to get it. Doubtless it will arrive in a big parcel wrapped up with a ribbon, with a label that reads: "To Hillary, lots of love from the GOP."
Merry Christmas everybody!