Skip to main content
Part of complete coverage on
 

Is Huma Abedin blaming herself?

By Kelly Wallace, CNN
updated 12:16 PM EDT, Fri August 2, 2013
STORY HIGHLIGHTS
  • Reports say Huma Abedin partly blames herself for Anthony Weiner's return to sexting
  • Women across the country say Abedin is not the one at fault
  • Psychologists say women blame themselves because they feel helpless otherwise
  • Experts say it's hard for successful women to face failure in relationships

Editor's note: Kelly Wallace is CNN's digital correspondent and editor-at-large covering family, career and life. She's a mom of two girls and lives in Manhattan. Read her other columns and follow her reports at CNN Parents and on Twitter. Kelly chatted about Huma Abedin and cheating guilt with Kate Bolduan of CNN's New Day Friday.

(CNN) -- Huma, please say it isn't so.

That was the overwhelming sentiment of women I chatted with on Facebook, Twitter and over e-mail after I heard reports that Huma Abedin, wife of embattled New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner, might partly blame herself for her husband's return to sexting.

An Abedin family member reportedly told People magazine that she blamed herself, in part, for ending couples counseling last year and focusing on her newborn son around the same time Weiner got back to his explicit digital contacts with women.

I checked in with women around the country, most of whom I interviewed last week about Abedin's decision to stick with her husband, to take their pulse.

Report: Weiner's wife takes blame
Friend: Abedin stands by Weiner for son
Abedin stands by Weiner amid scandal
Analysis: Huma Abedin not a victim

Weiner's wife: Should Huma stand by her man?

"What a sad thing to hear, that Huma blames herself, but it's not so unusual, is it?" said Jessica Dukes, a mom of two and freelance writer in Brooklyn, New York. "When relationships hit the rocks, doesn't everyone have those 'What did I do to deserve this?' thoughts."

Andrea Kristina says she knows exactly what Abedin is going through. She put up with her husband's infidelities for years, she said, and that battered her self-worth.

"When a woman's self-esteem is already low, and she is already so insecure, it is easy for a man like this to bend her thinking in a way that makes her feel as if she is the one who failed somehow," the divorced mom of a teenager said. "For so long, that's how I felt."

Pam Selker Rak, a married public relations executive in Pittsburgh, said if she were Huma's friend, she'd tell her she feels terrible she is choosing to "carry this burden on her own shoulders."

"But this is not her burden to carry," she said. "Her husband is an adult who made choices, and those choices resulted in actions that have impacted his family, his career and even himself."

Sources: Huma Abedin considered leaving Weiner last fall

Allison Kluger, a married mom of two in Palo Alto, California, believes Huma's "self-blame stance" is "very generous."

"I don't really believe that she believes this, but she is very brave in voicing that a relationship -- all the ups and downs -- involve two people," Kluger said. "What saddens me, but does not make me think negatively of Huma, is that she seems to be making all the sacrifices to keep her family, her husband's career and her career together."

Who is Huma Abedin?
Weiner's wife: Forgiving him wasn't easy
Standing by your man helps in the polls?

It is not surprising and very common for women to blame themselves when a spouse or partner strays, says Dr. Thema Bryant-Davis, a Los Angeles-based psychologist and associate professor at Pepperdine University.

Women in these situations, says Bryant-Davis, are looking for hope, power or control.

"If I acknowledge I am powerless to stop his behavior, that is very disheartening," she said. "If I can figure out what I did wrong, I can figure out how to fix it, and if you tell me that I didn't do anything wrong, then what do I do with that?"

Huma Abedin dines with Clinton spokesman

Bryant-Davis also said it can be very hard for a woman such as Abedin, who has been very successful in her career and is not accustomed to "losing."

"It can be very disorienting to say how is it that in every other area of my life, I've been able to achieve, and now in this area it looks like a failure," she said, adding the best advice for women who are in Abedin's shoes is to get individual counseling as well as couples therapy.

Meg Watt, a married mom of two, says she knows plenty of people who have blamed themselves for their significant other's choices, and that she was also guilty of it in a past relationship.

Stay in touch!
Don't miss out on the conversation we're having at CNN Living. Follow us on Twitter and Facebook for the latest stories and tell us what's influencing your life.

"But either you live in denial of reality or you eventually face the facts in the situation: she didn't make him seek something outside their marriage. He did that all on his own," she said.

We, as women, are wired to be fixers, Watt added. "But the important thing is to realize that the only person who can 'fix' infidelity is the one who chose to commit it."

Follow Kelly Wallace on Twitter and like CNN Living on Facebook.

ADVERTISEMENT
Part of complete coverage on
cnn, parents, parenting, logo
Get the latest kid-related buzz, confessions from imperfect parents and the download on the digital life of families here at CNN Parents.
updated 12:01 PM EDT, Thu April 3, 2014
Recreational weed is one option for Colorado vacationers who want to relax after a day of skiing. But when the kids are along, parents have to plan accordingly.
updated 2:12 PM EDT, Fri March 28, 2014
It's like any other group for moms to get together, chat and blow off steam. The only difference: All these moms are legally blind.
updated 10:42 PM EDT, Thu March 13, 2014
"Princeton mom" Susan Patton argues that young women should look for husbands in college before the pool shrinks. CNN's Kelly Wallace disagrees.
updated 5:31 PM EDT, Tue March 18, 2014
Pinterest can cause already stressed-out moms to feel like we are in constant competition to throw the perfect birthday party, make the perfect school snack and take the perfect family photo.
updated 10:18 AM EDT, Mon March 17, 2014
When Cathy Sarubbi's first child was born, she couldn't imagine the girl would grow up to become a U.S. Paralympian; she didn't even know if the baby would live through the night.
updated 8:20 AM EST, Tue March 4, 2014
Many of Hollywood's hottest award contenders brought Mom along to share in their Oscar glory.
updated 9:49 AM EST, Mon February 24, 2014
From Blue Ivy and Suri to North and Matilda, these celebrity kiddos have totally inherited their mothers' style smarts.
updated 11:32 PM EST, Thu February 27, 2014
So many parents dread the teenage years -- the eye rolling, door slamming and lack of conversation. But there are ways to get a teen to open up.
updated 11:30 PM EST, Thu February 27, 2014
Ask parents of teens if their children are more stressed than they were at the same age, and they'll usually tell you, "Absolutely."
We want you to tell it like it is: Let's share the mess-ups, the chaos and the truth -- good, bad and ugly -- about all stages of child rearing.
ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT