Skip to main content
Part of complete coverage on
 

Why one isn't always the loneliest number

By Courtney E. Martin, Special to CNN
updated 8:23 AM EDT, Thu June 20, 2013
Chelsea Clinton is an only child.
Chelsea Clinton is an only child.
STORY HIGHLIGHTS
  • Courtney Martin: Women often get asked if they have multiple children or plan to do so
  • Martin: How many children you choose to have has a huge impact on your work-life balance
  • She says a new book by Lauren Sandler presents good reasons for having just one child
  • Martin: Living a happy life is about the freedom to choose if you want to have children or not

Editor's note: Courtney E. Martin is a writer and speaker who lives in Brooklyn, New York. She is the author of "Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters: How the Quest for Perfection is Harming Young Women," among other books. Follow her on Twitter at @courtwrites.

(CNN) -- One of the most common questions a pregnant woman gets asked: "Is this your first?"—suggesting there were more or will be more.

But how many children you choose to have has a fundamental influence on your capacity to juggle the 21st century work-life balance. More kids simply demand more resources: energy, money and time. This is an aspect of family life that doesn't get discussed much.

If our increasingly wired lives leave us starved for time and more scattered in our attention, having an only child can be a path to freedom. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, single-child families have almost doubled in number since the 1960s. And yet, our public conversation hasn't caught up to this increasingly common reality.

Courtney Martin
Courtney Martin

Those who choose to have one child are often confronted with not so subtle snooping on the part of neighbors and friends. Infertility problems? Marriage on the rocks? Too career focused? We simply assume people are having multiple children unless we learn otherwise.

In some ways, multiple children are the "American dream" story of the work/family debate. Just as the Horatio Alger tale urges us that no matter where we come from, we can work our way up the ladder one rung at a time (ignoring systemic and structural factors), the superwoman tale pretends that there are no limits to a mother's resources (ignoring, well, the realities of the space-time continuum.) There's always more room in the womb and more time in the day; as long as she's got a smartphone and a big heart.

But in a new book, "One and Only: Why Having an Only Child, and Being One, is Better Than You Think," journalist Lauren Sandler isn't buying it. She writes, "One of the central myths of America is that we can engineer a life without tradeoffs."

She counters all the stereotypes of only children—selfish, lonely, maladjusted—with a range of convincing research, explores the environmental arguments for keeping families small, and also looks at the evidence that children from one-child families tend to achieve more and, as a result, can contribute more to society. Just a few examples: Condi Rice, Alicia Keys and Chelsea Clinton are all only children.

The important questions center around our assumptions about family, what makes us happy, fulfilled and loved. In other words, how do we recognize our full range of choices as parents? "Is happiness the result of finding purpose and meaning? Is it the absence of depression?" Sandler contends that "it has a lot to do with having the freedom to live the life you want to live, whether that means five kids, or one, or none at all."

It is what we know in our heart of hearts, even when we're fully ensconced in the myth—sucking down a smoothie while driving our kid to school, rescheduling a doctor's appointment, and trying to read the notes for the morning's meeting all at the same miserable moment. It is related to the work-life balance issues that Anne-Marie Slaughter and Sheryl Sandberg touched on.

We are human, and as such, we have limits. Whether you scale back your job, scale back your social time, scale back your self-care, scale back your child care assistance, or scale back your family size—something's gotta give.

Admitting that isn't just a smart strategy for a saner life. It cuts at the core of one of modern women's most stubborn, self-defeating beliefs -- that unless we are everything to all people, we are nothing, that our worth is tied up in our limitless capacity (at least when it comes to caring for others), that we don't actually deserve to live a selective life and take or leave a number of energy-sucking pursuits.

It's not that we have to choose to parent just one child if we want to be sane in contemporary society, but that we owe it to ourselves, our partners and even our potential progeny, to consider other possibilities.

Women, in particular, need to slough off socialized norms and think in a fresh, free, way about the kind of life that will really make our families -- and ourselves -- healthy and fulfilled.

Follow us on Twitter @CNNOpinion.

Join us on Facebook/CNNOpinion.

The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Courtney Martin.

ADVERTISEMENT
Part of complete coverage on
updated 3:41 PM EDT, Wed July 30, 2014
Stuart Gitlow says pot is addictive and those who smoke it can experience long-term psychiatric disease.
updated 12:45 PM EDT, Wed July 30, 2014
Gabby Giffords and Katie Ray-Jones say "Between 2001 and 2012, more women were shot to death by an intimate partner in our country than the total number of American troops killed in the Iraq and Afghanistan wars combined."
updated 7:57 PM EDT, Tue July 29, 2014
Alan Elsner says Secretary Kerry's early cease-fire draft was leaked and presented as a final document, which served the interests of hard-liners on both sides who don't want the Gaza war to stop.
updated 7:58 AM EDT, Wed July 30, 2014
Vijay Das says Medicare is a success story that could provide health care for everybody, not just seniors
updated 2:18 PM EDT, Wed July 30, 2014
Rick Francona says Israel seems determined to render Hamas militarily ineffective.
updated 1:43 PM EDT, Wed July 30, 2014
S.E. Cupp says the entrepreneur and Dallas Mavericks owner thinks for himself and refuses to be confined to an ideological box.
updated 9:11 AM EDT, Wed July 30, 2014
A Christian group's anger over the trailer for "Black Jesus," an upcoming TV show, seems out of place, Jay Parini says
updated 4:28 PM EDT, Wed July 30, 2014
LZ Granderson says the cyber-standing ovation given to Robyn Lawley, an Australian plus-size model who posted unretouched photos, shows how crazy Americans' notions of beauty have become
updated 3:39 PM EDT, Wed July 30, 2014
Carol Dweck and Rachel Simmons: Girls tend to have a "fixed mindset" but they should have a "growth mindset."
updated 7:56 AM EDT, Mon July 28, 2014
A crisis like the Gaza conflict or the surge of immigrants can be an opportunity for a lame duck president, writes Julian Zelizer
updated 2:22 PM EDT, Sat July 26, 2014
Carol Costello says the league's light punishment sent the message that it didn't consider domestic violence a serious offense
updated 8:51 AM EDT, Mon July 28, 2014
Danny Cevallos says saggy pants aren't the kind of fashion statement protected by the First Amendment.
updated 2:52 PM EDT, Mon July 28, 2014
Margaret Hoover says some GOP legislators support a state's right to allow same-sex marriage and the right of churches, synagogues and mosques not to perform the sacrament
updated 2:31 PM EDT, Mon July 28, 2014
Megan McCracken and Jennifer Moreno say it's unacceptable for states to experiment with new execution procedures without full disclosure
updated 1:44 PM EDT, Wed July 30, 2014
Priya Satia says today's drones for bombardment and surveillance have their roots in the deadly history of Western aerial control of the Middle East that began in World War One
updated 12:35 PM EDT, Mon July 28, 2014
Jeff Yang says it's great to see the comics make an effort at diversifying the halls of justice
updated 11:55 AM EDT, Sat July 26, 2014
Rick Francona says the reported artillery firing from Russian territory is a sign Vladimir Putin has escalated the Ukraine battle
updated 2:22 PM EDT, Sun July 27, 2014
Paul Callan says the fact that appeals delay the death penalty doesn't make it an unconstitutional punishment, as one judge ruled
updated 6:25 PM EDT, Thu July 24, 2014
Pilot Robert Mark says it's been tough for the airline industry after the plane crashes in Ukraine and Taiwan.
updated 11:10 AM EDT, Fri July 25, 2014
Jennifer DeVoe laments efforts to end subsidies that allow working Americans to finally afford health insurance.
updated 11:33 AM EDT, Sat July 26, 2014
Ruti Teitel says assigning a costly and humiliating "collective guilt" to Germany after WWI would end up teaching the global community hard lessons about who to blame for war crimes
updated 8:45 AM EDT, Fri July 25, 2014
John Sutter responds to criticism of his column on the ethics of eating dog.
updated 9:02 AM EDT, Fri July 25, 2014
Frida Ghitis says it's tempting to ignore North Korea's antics as bluster but the cruel regime is dangerous.
updated 2:50 PM EDT, Fri July 25, 2014
To the question "Is Putin evil?" Alexander Motyl says he is evil enough for condemnation by people of good will.
updated 2:03 PM EDT, Thu July 24, 2014
Laurie Garrett: Poor governance, ignorance, hysteria worsen the Ebola epidemic in Sierra Leone, Guinea, Liberia.
updated 9:49 AM EDT, Thu July 24, 2014
Patrick Cronin and Kelley Sayler say the world is seeing nonstate groups such as Ukraine's rebels wielding more power to do harm than ever before
updated 6:05 PM EDT, Wed July 23, 2014
Ukraine ambassador Olexander Motsyk places blame for the MH17 tragedy squarely at the door of Russia
updated 7:42 AM EDT, Thu July 24, 2014
Mark Kramer says Russia and its proxies have a history of shooting down civilian aircraft, often with few repercussions
updated 2:53 PM EDT, Thu July 24, 2014
Les Abend says, with rockets flying over Tel Aviv and missiles shooting down MH17 over Ukraine, a commercial pilot's pre-flight checklist just got much more complicated
updated 9:17 AM EDT, Thu July 24, 2014
Mark Kramer says Russia and its proxies have a history of shooting down civilian aircraft, often with few repercussions
updated 12:37 PM EDT, Thu July 24, 2014
Gerard Jacobs says grieving families and nations need the comfort of traditional rituals to honor the remains of loved ones, particularly in a mass disaster
updated 10:13 AM EDT, Thu July 24, 2014
The idea is difficult to stomach, but John Sutter writes that eating dog is morally equivalent to eating pig, another intelligent animal. If Americans oppose it, they should question their own eating habits as well.
updated 12:30 PM EDT, Wed July 23, 2014
Bill van Esveld says under the laws of war, civilians who do not join in the fight are always to be protected. An International Criminal Court could rule on whether Israeli airstrikes and Hamas rocketing are war crimes.
updated 8:09 AM EDT, Wed July 30, 2014
Gordon Brown says the kidnapped Nigerian girls have been in captivity for 100 days, but the world has not forgotten them.
ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT