Candles burn next to a lighted tree at a makeshift shrine in Newtown, Connecticut, commemorating the victims of the mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School on December 14, 2012.
Editor's note: Michael Y. Simonis a psychotherapist, school counselor and founder of Practical Help for Parents, a support organization for parents, educators and mental health professionals. Simon is also the author of The Approximate Parent: Discovering the Strategies That Work with Your Teenager (Fine Optics Press, 2012).
(CNN) -- I don't have the answers.
Under the weight of mystery, loss and grief, most of us long for healing and look for answers. After hearing of the mass killing in Newtown, Connecticut, I asked a friend, the principal of an elementary school, how the children and parents there were doing.
"There was a different feeling and a much longer line than usual to pick up the kids," he said "Hugs held longer, smiles broader, more patience all around; these parents were mindful of the privilege of picking up their children today."
Not including the tragic killings at Sandy Hook, the Brady Center to Prevent Gun Violence lists over 170 school shootings in the United States since 1997, prompting many to describe the tragic shooting as part of an epidemic of gun violence in America.
How do we make sense of these incidents and their antecedents and envision a better future? I don't know, and neither do many of the so-called experts, but that hasn't stopped them and the mass media from weighing in very quickly.
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We've seen this all before: Media outlets rush to feed the voracious hunger of the 24-hour news cycle, reporting on instant theories and repeating rumors and mistakes, sometimes supplied by well-meaning law enforcement and school officials eager to provide information to anxious parents. Pundits rush to defend or denounce gun control or render judgments about the mental health system.
Tweets and texts fly, fingers wag in consternation at all those who got the facts wrong. Theories, reasons and blame pile up. Unbridled arguments break out -- check the comments under this piece, and most other pieces online.
Meanwhile, our young children are watching, listening and looking to us for answers.
They need us calmly close by, a loving, attentive presence quietly assuring them that their world will not change. It scares us to our depths because we know we cannot really promise that.
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To calm a shocked nation, President Barack Obama appeared on television as events were still unfolding in Newtown. After expressing heartbreak for the slain children and their parents, he spoke of the parents whose children had survived: "Their children's innocence has been torn away from them too early and there are no words that will ease their pain."
If there are no words, then what is there? The president's tearful reaction was notable for several long pauses as he struggled to prevent his feelings from overwhelming the need to communicate to a nation in grief.
Obama's pauses were bookends to his observation that "our hearts are broken today." They point to necessity of time for any deep, effective, moral and compassionate response to pain and loss. A 2009 prize-winning study done by Mary Helen Immordino-Yang, Antonio Damasio and their colleagues at the Brain and Creativity Institute at the University of Southern California could be seen as a kind of scientific exploration of what it means to have "our hearts broken."
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Immordino-Yang put it simply:
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"The poets had it right all along. This isn't merely metaphor. Our study shows that we use the feeling of our own body as a platform for knowing how to respond to other people's social and psychological situations."
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But the speed of our digitally mass-mediated lives is not conducive -- according to Immordino-Yang and Damasio's work -- to experiencing the "nobler instincts" of empathy and compassion in response to violence and human suffering.
The USC study demonstrated that when people heard stories depicting physical pain, the pain centers of their own brains activated very quickly. But empathizing with stories of psychological pain took much longer. Seeing or hearing stories of physical injury and death -- the stock in trade of much media -- does deeply and quickly move us. But the higher emotions and the capacity for an ethical response, compassion and empathy, "are inherently slow."
Immordino-Yang surmises, "For some kinds of thought, especially moral decision-making about other people's social and psychological situations, we need to allow for adequate time and reflection." She warns that if the flow of information and news is too quick, it can interfere with the experiencing of emotions about other people's psychological states, a problem she argues has "implications for your morality."
By slowing down and recognizing the need for time to ethically respond to suffering, we see the faint echoes of an answer to the question of whether our children can live in this imperfect world and still feel free and hopeful (and whether we can do the same).
Manuel Castells, Wallis Annenberg Chair of Communication Technology and Society at USC, thoughtfully summarized Damasio's study: "Lasting compassion in relationship to psychological suffering requires a level of persistent, emotional attention."
Persistent, quiet, calm attention: This is what our children need from us in the wake of this horror, and what we owe one another as we stumble along trying to figure out what to do about it all. It suggests that deep listening, rather than quickly speaking (or cajoling, warning, or advising our children and each other) may provide the time we need to experience our "nobler instincts" in the face of all-too-human grief and loss. I don't have the answers. But I suspect that answers will come — slowly.
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The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Michael Simon.
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Erica Simmons rings the campus bell at Agnes Scott College in Decatur, Georgia, during a nationwide commemoration December 21, marking a week since the Newtown, Connecticut, mass shooting. Church bells rang out across the country at 9:30 ET Friday to remember those who died in the gun rampage.
A woman pauses at a streetside memorial during a moment of silence on December 21 in Newtown.
Connecticut State Police block the road to Sandy Hook Elementary School during a moment of silence on December 21. A week ago, a gunman forced his way into the school and shot and killed 26 people, including 20 children.
A woman bows her head in Newtown's Sandy Hook village on December 21.
People observe a moment of silence for the school shooting victims at the Blue Colony Diner in Newtown on December 21.
Children in Newtown, excluding Sandy Hook Elementary, return to classes on Tuesday, December 18, four days after the shooting at the elementary school.
U.S. Rep. David Cicilline, D-Rhode Island, holds a news conference with the Brady Campaign to discuss gun violence. In attendance with the Brady Campaign were several survivors of gun violence and family members of victims of gun violence.
Members of the human rights group Volunteers Against Crime and Corruption light candles showing the names of those killed during the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School, during a prayer vigil in front of the U.S. Embassy in Manila, Philippines on December 18.
Children light candles to pay their respects to the victims of the Newtown, Connecticut, shooting at the main square in Tirana, Albania, on Monday, December 17. The deadly gun rampage at Sandy Hook Elementary School has provoked strong reactions from around the world.
Protesters march on the National Rifle Association's Capitol Hill lobbyist offices in Washington on December 17.
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg speaks out for stronger gun control at a press conference at City Hall on December 17. Bloomberg, co-chair of Mayors Against Illegal Guns, was joined by victims and survivors of gun violence.
Chris Foye, whose son Chris Owens was killed by a stray bullet in 2009, stands with other survivors and family members of gun violence at Bloomberg's press conference on December 17 in New York.
People pay their respects on December 17 at a makeshift shrine in Newtown to the victims of Friday's elementary school shooting. Funerals began Monday in the Connecticut town.
Traders on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange hold a moment of silence on December 17 in honor of the shooting victims.
Young people mourn at Newtown High School before a memorial service attended by President Obama on Sunday, December 16.
President Barack Obama waits to speak at an interfaith vigil for the shooting victims from Sandy Hook Elementary School December 16 at Newtown High School.
Mourners comfort one another December 16 before U.S. President Barack Obama speaks at an interfaith vigil for the shooting victims.
Two women embrace before the interfaith vigil at Newtown High School on Sunday evening.
From left: Newtown residents Claire Swanson, Kate Suba, Jaden Albrecht, Simran Chand and New London, Connecticut, residents Rachel Pullen and her son, Landon DeCecco, hold candles at a memorial for victims on Sunday, December 16, in Newtown, Connecticut.
A young boy walks past Christmas trees set up at a makeshift shrine to the shooting victims in Newtown, Connecticut, on December 16.
Ty Diaz is kissed by his mother, Yvette, at a memorial down the street from Sandy Hook on December 16.
Teddy bears, flowers and candles in memory of those killed are left at a memorial down the street from the school on December 16.
Two teenagers embrace at a makeshift shrine to the victims in Newtown on December 16.
Nuns pay their respects at a makeshift shrine to the victims on December 16.
Members of Sisters of Christian Charity go to lay flowers in front of the Sandy Hook Elementary School on December 16 in Newtown.
A woman receives a hug as she leaves morning service December 16 at Trinity Church in Newtown near the elementary school.
Parishioners pay their respects to the victims of the elementary school shooting while attending Mass at St. Rose of Lima Roman Catholic Church in Newtown on December 16.
Police officers honor the victims of the school shooting at the St. Rose of Lima Roman Catholic Church on December 16 in Newtown.
The Jacksonville Jaguars have a moment of silence in honor of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting victims before their game against the Miami Dolphins on December 16.
A parishioner kneels in front of a makeshift memorial at St. Rose of Lima Roman Catholic Church in Newtown on December 16.
A police officer removes flowers from a busy intersection on December 16 in Newtown. Police said they were afraid the memorial, left for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting, would cause a traffic hazard.
A woman hugs her daughter on the steps of Trinity Church on December 16 in Newtown.
Angel wood cutouts for each of the 27 victims are set up on hillside in Newtown on December 16.
People in Bangalore, India, hold cards and photographs of the slain at a candlelight vigil outside a Catholic church on December 16.
J.J. Watt of the Houston Texans shows his glove in remembrance of the victims before the start of a game against the Indianapolis Colts on December 16 in Houston.
Donna Soto, right, mother of Victoria Soto, the first-grade teacher at Sandy Hook Elementary School who was shot and killed while protecting her students, hugs her daughter Karly while mourning their loss at a candlelight memorial at Stratford High School on Saturday, December 15, in Stratford, Connecticut.
Firefighters kneel to pay their respects at a makeshift memorial near the school in Newtown on Saturday.
A child lights a candle at a memorial filled with flowers, stuffed toys and candles outside of Saint Rose of Lima Church near Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut on Saturday.
Candles light up a memorial outside of Saint Rose of Lima Church in Newtown.
Lucas, Kelly and Michael DaSilva pray and embrace at a makeshift memorial near the school in Newtown.
People are overcome with emotion Saturday at a makeshift memorial near Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown.
Residents arrive Saturday to pay tribute to the victims of an elementary school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut.
A couple carry balloons to place at a curbside shrine to in Newtown on Saturday.
A mother and daughter attend a prayer service at St. John's Episcopal Church in Newtown on Saturday.
Flowers and signs of sympathy adorn the street leading to Sandy Hook Elementary School.
Claudia Urbiana and daughter Jocelyne Cardenas, left, hug outside of the entrance to the Sandy Hook school.
A makeshift memorial with flowers, stuffed toys and candles sit outside Saint Rose of Lima Roman Catholic Church in Newtown, Connecticut, on Saturday.
A man bows his head as he stands at a makeshift memorial, outside Saint Rose of Lima Roman Catholic Church in Newtown on Saturday, December 15.
New Jersey resident Steve Wruble, who was moved to drive out to Connecticut to support local residents, grieves for victims at the entrance to Sandy Hook village in Newtown on Saturday.
People attend a prayer service in Newtown on Saturday to reflect.
A mother hugs her children after paying tribute to the victims in Newtown on Saturday, December 15.
Newtown High School student Trevor Lopez stands outside of a church where residents have come to pray and reflect on Saturday
Andrea Jaeger places flowers and a candle at a makeshift memorial outside a firehouse near Sandy Hook Elementary School on Saturday.
The U.S. flag flies at half-staff above the White House on Saturday.
Ken Kowalsky and his daughter Rebecca, 13, embrace while standing at the end of the road leading to Sandy Hook Elementary School on Saturday.
A woman puts a flower near crosses planted by Rio de Paz (Rio of Peace), in memory of the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary school shooting on Copacabana beach in Rio de Janeiro on Saturday.
A woman sits during a service at the Asylum Hill Congregational Church in Hartford, Connecticut on Friday, December 14.
Fans at the NBA game between the Utah Jazz and the Phoenix Suns participate in a moment of silence for the victims of the Newtown shooting on Friday in Phoenix.
An overflow crowd listens to a church service held at the St. Rose of Lima Catholic Church in Newtown on December 14.
People gather for a prayer vigil at St. Rose Church on Friday.
People gather for a vigil outside the White House in Washington following the Connecticut elementary school shooting on Friday.
Candles burn as people gather for a vigil outside the White House.
Hartford, Connecticut, Mayor Padro Segarra speaks emotionally about the students and teachers who died earlier in the day at Sandy Hook Elementary School in nearby Newtown at a candlelight vigil at Bushnell Park in Hartford on Friday.
Cynthia Alvarez is comforted by her mother, Lilia, as people gather for a prayer vigil at St. Rose of Lima Roman Catholic Church in Newtown.
People gather for a prayer vigil at St. Rose Church in Newtown.
People gather for a prayer vigil at St. Rose Church.
People gather inside the St. Rose Church to remember the shooting victims on Friday
A woman bows her head during a vigil for the shooting victims at St. Rose Church.
People gather in the St. Rose Church for a memorial service Friday.
Women comfort each other during the vigil at St. Rose Church.
A woman looks on during the vigil at St. Rose Church.
People hug outside of the Newtown United Methodist Church on Friday, near the site of the shootings at the Sandy Hook school.
A flag at the U.S. Capitol flies at half-staff after President Barack Obama ordered the action while speaking from the White House. Obama called for "meaningful action" in the wake of the school shooting.
Julie Henson of San Francisco joins other people outside the White House to participate in a candlelight vigil on Friday.
Obama wipes tears as he makes a statement in response to the shooting on Friday.
Washington resident Rachel Perrone, left, and her 5-year-old son, Joe, center, join others outside the White House in a candlelight vigil.
Faisal Ali, right, of Colorado Springs, Colorado, joins the vigil outside the White House.
People gather outside the White House to participate in a candlelight vigil.
Supporters of gun control hold a candlelight vigil for victims of the shooting outside the White House.
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