Editor's note: Brenna Ehrlich and Andrea Bartz are the sarcastic brains behind humor blog and book "Stuff Hipsters Hate." Got a question about etiquette in the digital world? Contact them at firstname.lastname@example.org.
(CNN) -- Ah, springtime! When a young single person's fancy turns to quiet desperation. The darling buds of April have shaken off their veils of snow, and you, dear reader, have done likewise with your veils of fleece and SAD-induced despair.
Months of picnics, outdoor shows and wine-sodden nights in summertime finery (or, at the very least, jean shorts and well-worn wife beaters -- however it is you roll) stretch out before you. Now all you need is someone to share them with, right?
Might we suggest spending those last few weeks of mixed-bag weather doing what any red-blooded human does when they're looking for answers: Stay inside and troll the Web.
"I've tried looking online for love!" you may cry -- quite literally. "OkCupid was too arty (and unemployed) for my tastes, Match.com was replete with pleats and Wall Streets! And Craigslist, well... I need a shower. In bleach."
We get it. Sometimes you don't really want to wade through suite after suite of suitors to find the perfect co-picnicker -- I mean, we live in a society where we want everything from our coffee to our movies to be instant.
So why not narrow down the search a bit via a superspecific online dating site?
Seriously, guys, there's someone out there for everyone, and apparently some enterprising developers (just the folks you should trust for love advice) have gone and cataloged them all. Read on for three extremely calculating sites for satiating that aforementioned quiet desperation.
(NB: Shared interests don't always equate to true love -- we know this. Mostly we just find these sites amusing.)
If you like to sweat on a date (in a nonsexy way) ...
From the running track to the weight room to the yoga studio you roam, counting the multiplying packs of your abs, marinating in your own sweat and hoping against hope that that dude -- the one who always parks his yoga mat unnecessarily close to yours, making for optimal ass-viewing -- will ask you to go for a smoothie after the last "Ommmm."
Usually you're so bold -- you with your hot pink spandex and ability to bench-press your twin bed. But in his presence, all you can do to contain your ardor is assume a child's pose and weep salty, sweat-mingled tears.
Well, muscle-bound dear, dry your eyes (and perhaps take a shower, too). There's a dating site out there specifically designed for you: Single Fit People.
This free (for the time being) Boston-based matchmaking machine allows folks who like to work out to find other folks who like to work out to ... you know, work out/make out with. The site even organizes events where singles can mingle and run around and stuff.
Yup, on this site, a red face is more likely to connote the blush of love, rather than an abrupt cessation of physical exertion.
If 'our song' is likely to be super obscure ...
In recent years, you have taken to going to shows alone, parking yourself in the corner with a brimming glass of whiskey and a brimming heart -- and no one to share them with. Yes, in the past, suitors have attempted to share your love -- nay, indefatigable PASSION -- for music.
But many, obviously intimidated by your vast breadth of knowledge, have left mix tapes half composed (Dashboard Confessional? Seriously?), attempted to talk to you while your third-favorite Seapunk band took the stage, and -- perhaps most unsettlingly -- just put their iPods on shuffle while y'all were making out.
Luckily for you, there's a free resource on the market that will help you avoid anyone out there who "likes everything but rap and country": Tastebuds.fm.
The site allows you to easily port over your musical interests from Facebook or Last.fm so as to weed out anyone not familiar with that most important holiday in the world, Record Store Day.
The site even has a feature whereby you can search for events in your area and people to attend them with, so perhaps you can share that whiskey (and heart) with someone special, or at least sort of special, next time around.
You're a social media 'ninja' ...
You have SO MANY FRIENDS. Seriously, like 10,000 Twitter followers, a million stalkers on Foursquare, and Facebook -- well, let's just say you had to create a Fan Page for yourself after you hit the friend limit. If a potential date wants to get on your radar, they'll have to send you a tweet.
You're just so superbusy at-replying, posting interesting articles to your friends' walls and checking into the bodega around the corner each night when you pick up your frozen pizza for one (gotta maintain that Mayorship!).
Still, sometimes -- amidst the pings, love-red notifications and badges -- you feel a deep, dark force sucking at your heart. An emptiness even Instagram for Android failed to fill.
Somewhere out there, however, there's another soul aching and tweeting and pinging right along with you, and a little site called Tawkify aims to act as your guide through the morass of online social interactions.
For about $15 a pop, Tawkify matches up potential soulmates based on their Klout scores (a service that measures your social influence online) as well as other factors, and sets up phone dates so they can get to know each other the only way they know how -- from the comfort of their own cave-like homes.