Before Jessica Sanchez could make it through a single verse of "Nobody's Supposed to be Here," tangerine dream Jennifer Lopez had stormed the stage. "Gimme that mic!" she snapped. "Shall we dance?" she continued. "Why didn't all you b****** watch ¡Q'Viva!?"
Randy Jackson stepped in. "We are saving Jessica without any doubt," he announced. "This girl is one of the best singers in America. Are you kidding me? Everybody please vote for the best."
"Are you kidding me?" said the sparkly tongue-sticking-out emoticon pin on Randy's lapel. "Let the people do what they want. <3 <3 <3."
Ugh, it was all so staged! To make matters worse, we'd already been warned that this charade was about to happen.
"We're gonna use our card tonight, especially with an outcome like this," Steven Tyler had assured Ryan once the shocking bottom three -- Jessica, Joshua Ledet, and Elise Testone -- had been announced. Could have used a spoiler alert there Steven! That tinkling sound you hear behind you is bits of evil gargoyle overlord Nigel Lythgoe's granite teeth crumbling to the floor from over-clenching. Just beautiful.
Anyway, the judges saved Jessica. Not surprising. Ryan Seacrest carried on his annual tradition of separating the top and bottom three contestants and then making the only officially "safe" person -- Skylar Laine -- "pick the group you think you belong with." Skylar promptly marched over to the couches and refused, but Ryan's meaty grip got her in the end. Turned out Hollie Cavanagh, Phillip Phillips, and Colton Dixon were safe this week.
Jimmy Iovine had predicted Hollie, Phillip, and Elise for the bottom three. After Joshua and Jessica landed there instead, Jimmy growled, "I'm gonna get a new flat-screen." So you can...see everyone better? Great plan. Best wishes to Sebastian the crab on his continued wealth.
James Durbin -- that mythical creature with the tail from season 10 -- returned with blonde ambition to scream "Higher Than Heaven," off his debut album Memories of a Broken Disaster. I thought I was high myself when they kept randomly zooming in on his drummer's feet. This time the cloth dangling from the Durbinator's butt was white, possibly as a metaphor for the diapers he can now afford to purchase for his baby. Good looking out!
I kept worrying that Jennifer Hudson's "before weight" hologram from the Weight Watchers commercials would creep into the frame and try to duet with her on "Think Like a Man," but luckily Ne-Yo did instead. Does anyone not love Ne-Yo? I kept obsessing over this during their performance filled with push-and-pull flirting and plenty of sass appeal. I think he is universally adored. I even ended up marveling that the "design" on his white t-shirt was just a big black rectangle. That's genius, I thought, genuinely. Ne-Yo's gotta have it, Ryan!
Hopefully no one was home or visiting or peering at you through a hidden camera as you watched the Top 7's "Raise Your Glass" abomination. I actually apologized to my recapping buddy Tanner out of secondhand embarrassment. Two visual moments did save these dirty little freaks from complete failure, though: Phillip gently caressing Colton's hair-animal in his lap (?!) and a final pose featuring an off-balance Ryan Seacrest clutching a Coke cup (!!). Cheers, queers.
Can you believe Jessica received the lowest amount of votes? Was this J. Lo's best acting performance since "Out of Sight"? Was Colton Dixon totally channeling Emily Thorne as he cautiously opened that wooden box from a prospective prom date? Separate your thoughts into two groups and pick a side in the comments!
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