- Face-Invaders is an iPad game that allows you to blast your Facebook friends in effigy
- It's always a bad idea to post anything disparaging about your boss or workplace online
- Facebook app Enemy Graph allows you to declare friends or public figures "enemies"
In the old days, being passive-aggressive took effort. An annoyance -- like, say, a neighbor who has elected to make the stairwell his own personal broom closet -- would fester and fester until one was finally forced into action.
IE, leaving a note to the effect of: "Hi! I tripped over a bucket of liquid in the hallway and turned my ankle. Therefore, I elected to remove your garbage from our common area -- for the sake of everyone's safety. Thanks! :D 3B. P.S. Everyone can hear you have sex through the wall."
Now, it's all too easy to vent your frustrations via Twitter, Facebook and various and sundry meme machines, cluttering the newsfeeds of friends and "Facebook friends" with your petty, petty gripes.
We get it: Sometimes you just need to scream silently into your pillow, and since one does not always have a pillow on hand (unless one rolls like that), the Web is often the closest substitute.
Still, it is vital to realize that you are not, in fact, bellowing into the ether about your co-worker's apparent lack of breathing-through-the-nose skills -- no, you are recording these grievances for all to see, laugh at and possibly garner a book deal via passive-aggressive notes.
Thankfully, the Web (and its outlying regions) is an innovative place, and now it's possible to get passive-aggressive (and even outright aggressive) without spreading your lack of sunshine to the rest of your social network.
Here's what to do:
When your friends are being all foe-like
The other weekend, you had a rather unfortunate drunken experience with a fire extinguisher at a local music venue.
The next day, you confided in your friend -- let's call him "Steve" -- who immediately appropriated the venue's security camera footage and posted your incriminating, foamy dance (you were belting out a stirring rendition of "We Didn't Start the Fire," you now recall) to YouTube.
You became a viral star! -- for all the wrong reasons. Angrily, you take to Facebook and start posting messages akin to, "NOW I KNOW WHO MY REAL FRIENDS ARE!"
Sorry to break it to you, dude, but acting out digitally in this way makes you look like a giant loser -- not that you needed any help in the first place.
Naturally, you should probably confront your friend, but if you can't manage to summon up the balls to do so, might we suggest downloading Face-Invaders, an iPad game that allows you to blast your Facebook friends in effigy as if they were malignant aliens from outer space.
"Steve" will never know what hit him -- unless you manage to get your hands on another fire extinguisher.
When your beau is being a schmo
So here's the thing. Everything about you and your girlfriend makes us intensely uncomfortable: the way you (wetly) make out in public, the way you lick sauce off of each other's face while eating, and, especially, the way you get into raging fights in public locations and then retreat into the nearest restroom to "make up."
And when you port all of that over into the digital realm, snipping about fights and seeking support from your friends ("He's just not good enough for you, girl!") we're just that much more embarrassed for you because it's all out there for anyone to see (Openbook is watching).
Luckily, someone has gone and created an application called Pair especially for couples, allowing Jack and Jill to share pictures, videos, texts and drawings with each other -- and each other alone.
So the next time you feel tempted to bring up Jack's inability to purchase TP via incensed tweet, snap a pic of the naked roll and send it along to J instead. Bonus: The app also has a "thumb kiss" feature that causes the phone to vibrate when both couples touch their appendages to their screens at the same time. It's like really discreet makeup sex.
NB: This app is intended to be used by happy couples, but we're cynics.
When your boss is eating your soul
Wait until you get home and pull out the aforementioned pillow. Seriously. While we're all about free speech and all that, it's just basically a bad idea to post anything disparaging about your boss or workplace online.
Why? Because you never know who has access to your social accounts -- a lot of workplaces are even asking for Facebook logins nowadays (a practice that we wholly do not endorse).
If you're that upset about your current work situation, by all means get smashed and complain about it with friends (after looking over your shoulder, of course). But after you've recovered from your hangover, maybe start looking for another gig.
If you must let off some steam, try firing up Enemy Graph, a Facebook app that allows you to declare friends or public figures "enemies." We hear Justin Bieber is a popular enemy, and there's slim to no chance he's your boss.