- Sara Benincasa: Many are trying to cope with news of the Kardashian/Humphries split
- She says fans may not agree on the best lessons to take from the breakup
- She offers five: For one, the wedding needed better champagne for marriage to last
- For another, don't marry someone with the same first name as your mother
As the world mourns the untimely conclusion of professional famous person Kim Kardashian's marriage to professional tall person Kris Humphries, how are you coping? Probably not very well, particularly if you watched their televised $20 million wedding (for which they allegedly spent $0 -- various sponsors took care of the costs for this impoverished but hardworking young couple) on August 20. They were so in love.
Sports fans and sex fans alike have shed countless tears over the breakup of a man who bounces a ball for living and a woman who once videotaped herself making sexy time with Brandy's little brother. But while we all acknowledge that Kim and Kris are the greatest living beings on Earth or any other planet, we may not all agree on what lessons to take from this sad state of affairs. Fortunately, as the Voice of My Generation, I'm available to explain the five most important things you and your friends ought to learn from Kim and Kris' impending divorce.
1. Providing $400,000 of Perrier-Jouët at one's wedding does not ensure the success of a marriage.
You need Cristal for that.
2. Fish and relatives stink after three days, but spouses can last 24 times as long.
Have you ever been stuck in a car with your beloved family for more than three hours? It's awful, and you probably love them more than any other folks in the world. Kim and Kris made it work for 72 whole days. That's 1,728 hours of uninterrupted togetherness! Rather than tear them down, let's salute them for their longevity. Considering that they probably ran out of new words after the first day, it's pretty amazing they lasted as long as they did.
3. Contrary to popular belief, it's a bad idea to marry a dude with the same first name as your mom.
Especially when Mom describes herself on Twitter as "MOM, MANAGER, MOMAGER, LOVER OF LIFE, LOVER OF CHRIST."
4. If at first you don't succeed ... you'll probably also fail the second time.
Like many other members of her generation, Kim fell in love and launched a starter marriage that didn't last so long. I'm talking, of course, about her first marriage -- she married producer Damon Thomas when she was 19 and divorced him four years later. Just remember, third time's a charm. Maybe.
5. One's posterior-to-waist ratio does not correlate to one's marriage-to-divorce ratio.
And now, let the healing begin.