- Facebook's "subscribe" feature has to be manually enabled
- Don't post musings about the weather or passive-agressive comments
- Avoid long, drawn-out posts with too much personal information
Remember when Facebook had a simple purpose: Finding hot dudes/chicks to hit on freshman year?
Well, those halcyon days are over, my friends, as the site has become a massive web of all-aged folks, a marketing tool and, most recently, a place where even the most minor of local celebs can become must-follow personalities. We are referring, of course, to the recent addition of Facebook's "Subscribe" feature.
For those who don't rabidly stare at the ol' FB, hunting for change (i.e. normal people), the subscribe feature allows users to follow another user's publicly shared updates without friending said person.
Unlike some of Facebook's other updates, the feature was not turned on automatically -- you have to enable it to allow users to subscribe to you. Naturally, you can fine-tune what your subscribers and friends can respectively see -- and your subscribers can also filter what they're interested in -- but this news, for us, got the alarm bells ringing.
Random people trolling your Facebook feed? Yeah, there are tons of opps there for screwing yourself over with an errant update.
While we could go on and on about not posting all the gory details of your criminal record (see: all those idiots during the Vancouver riots) or not knocking back a boatload of vodka and firing up your wall, we've decided instead to focus on some of the most common yet annoying updates to clutter our collective feeds.
Read on for five types of utterances that will make your followers hit "Unsubscribe."
1. Musings about the weather
"Oh my god... Look at all that snow. It just fell from the sky. In the night. Is anyone else seeing all this snow? Am I the only one? Please validate my meteorological experience here."
Save that material for your next awkward conversation with semi-estranged family members. We're not obligated to love you.
2. Passive-aggressive comments
"I'm not naming names... But... If one were to have a roommate and one's roommate were to have a boyfriend -- a very odorous boyfriend who lacks the power of voice modulation -- and one's roommate's boyfriend were to eat all of one's Eggo waffles at 4 a.m. and one's roommate's boyfriend were to then vomit said Eggo waffles all over one's hallway (on one's brand new tennis shoes), one would be extremely pissed off. Especially if one's roommate's name were to rhyme with 'Misten Bonson.' This is all purely hypothetical, of course. But, yeah, rudesauce."
You're making everyone -- especially your mutual friends -- uncomfortable. If you're going to be passive aggressive, at least leave an actual note so that your friend can be Internet Famous (see: Passive-Aggressive Notes).
"This is all a freaking conspiracy! Liberal wingnuts! Prepackaged foods! Stupid vegans! Apple fanboys! Android losers! The Man! Hippie scumbags! Carbon footprints! Environmentalist reactionaries! Democrats! Republicans! I hate Facebook! I hate people who hate Facebook! The brain-damaging effects of television! People who say they don't watch TV are elitist a-holes! The sorry state of the American school system! mY teecher sux!"
See #2, but instead of "uncomfortable," put "scared." Try writing a letter to your local paper instead, like my grandma used to do. Her pen name was "Imma Putz."
"So, guys, this totally sucks, but I found out that Morgan was totally cheating on me. With my brother. And my cousin. And my uncle Roy. I walked in on her in the middle of said act last Tuesday afternoon -- when she said she was at her pottery class (well, she was molding something, and it definitely wasn't clay) -- and, needless to say, I'm pretty torn up about it. I haven't gotten out of bed in three weeks and my pillow is sodden with tears. Just wanted to let you all know -- especially you, Aunt June, as well as you, my 12-year-old brother Jim. I'm OK. I'm getting through it. But if you feel so inclined to send me flowers, food or ladies of the evening to make my pain go away, I would not say no."
Exhibitionists will be exhibitionists, so this fight is likely futile. So, we're just gonna say: Without pics, it didn't happen.
5. Cliched expressions of joy
"I love my life!"
Good for you. Get the hell off Facebook, then.