(The Frisky) -- When it comes to sex, women talk too much and men talk too little. Actually, let me revise that. Women talk too much about sex with one another, and men talk about sex with one another just enough, which is to say, hardly at all.
After they grow up, men don't talk about sex as much as women do, columnist says.
While men may occasionally have the communication skills of ATMs and the emotional agility of limbless baboons, there are things we can teach women. Namely, it is not always necessary to divulge every single sordid detail about what happened Friday night.
I know how women talk about sex to one another. I know because I have heard it. For my whole life, I'd say about half of my best friends have been chicks whom I'm not romantically involved with.
So I've sat at bars with women who've suddenly forgotten that I'm 95 percent man (three percent Shaolin Monk, two percent Hobbit,) and have opened up about their love lives, to my hushed horror. Women are prone to sexual confessions that would make most men screech.
As much as dudes are the caste that tells dirty jokes, watches pornography, and howls with laughter at grossness in general, to actually hear how you ladies gab about us was mortifying. Obviously, "brunch" is French for "...and then he did what?"
I'm sure there are benefits to such acts of public trust between friends; no doubt, men can learn to be more articulate, brave even, when discussing their fears, hopes, and insecurities with one another. But, anecdotally, when women brief each other about their love lives, it's a carnal torrent of truths that should stay in the bedroom. When I've been privy to it, it seemed every minute, inch, and slurp was offered up, dissected, analyzed, and squealed or clucked over. It's almost scientific, and not even remotely boastful.
In my experience, women seem to talk about sex as a way to share information about the men folk to the she-hive, a way to collectively interpret what my hilariously simplistic tribe is up to, or thinking. Maybe if you all knew how pragmatically binary our thought processes are, you'd be less confused and tormented over our actions. The Frisky: 10 rules about the way men, women eat
Men know we're talked about, and we find it troublesome. And it's not an exclusive fear that you'll reveal our inadequacies, because even revelations of our sexual prowess are slightly disconcerting. A recommendation is great -- who doesn't want an A+ in Sweet Lovin'? But a recommendation AND a PowerPoint presentation complete with flowcharts is something that makes this dude want to disappear into his own bellybutton. The Frisky: 10 reasons she didn't ask you out on a second date
For all men swagger, and brag, and talk a big game about their conquests, we're actually kind of shy about the truths of our more intimate moments, those tender instances where we surrender our macho façade, and melt into our lover's arms. The Frisky: Why is he so hot and cold
Now, I know there are dudes out there who talk, in extreme detail, about their sex lives to their guy friends. These men are in the minority, and they are either precious, hairless, mumbling little Orlando Blooms with bright eyes and bangs who need to emote, or they're shambling, knuckle-bumping frat beasts in the twilight of their prime, desperate to advertise their social value by loudly dishing on all the women they are sexually disappointing. The Frisky: 13 reasons she doesn't want a second date
But I'm old-school, and so are most dudes. A gentleman never kisses or tells. Partly, a gentleman does that because, tactically, it's wise. After all, women travel in flocks, like beautiful swans. Swans who talk about sex.
But more importantly, a gentleman never kisses or tells because what happens between two people happens between them and only them. Personally, I never dole out explicit details to my friends; it's not polite to the woman, and also: I'm a greedy and superstitious man.
If I find someone special, if I have something good in my life and between the sheets, why wouldn't I hoard it and regard it the way a pirate would regard his buried treasure? After all, honest, dirty, affectionate sexual energy between two people is a treasure. Just for the record: I am all for men and women talking about sex with each other in a mature, responsible, and giving way that promotes positive gender relations. After all, we're all part of the U.N. of Love.
As for dudes telling me about their sex lives, check it out: All I care about is that he's happy. I'm happy if my dude friends are happy. Done. Binary. See?
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