Dangers from secrets and lies

(Oprah.com) -- If you know a secret the rest of the world doesn't, it can drive you nuts. From dealing with little white lies to exposing a sexual harasser, consider how, when -- and when not -- to let the cat out of the bag.

Secrets are like stars: They're hot, volatile concentrations of energy, and they have two ways of dying.

Over time, small stars simply burn out and cool off, becoming what astronomers call white dwarfs. Massive stars collapse in on themselves, growing so dense that they create an immense gravitational vortex from which even light can't escape. They become black holes.

You've probably felt the difference between a "little white lie" and what I think of as a black hole secret, the kind that absorbs and darkens everything around it.

In her book "Anatomy of a Secret Life: The Psychology of Living a Lie," Gail Saltz, M.D., describes how even a relatively minor lie, such as cheating on a tax form, exerts a powerful gravitational force on the liar, whose attention is focused on not talking about what they've done. Secret keepers may become uncommunicative, withdraw from others, exhibit strange moods and even isolate themselves completely.

The problem is even worse for people who don't have black hole secrets but are holding such confidences for others. Secret keeping is immensely stressful; it has well-documented effects on things like immune function and even longevity. I've found that these three questions can help determine whether a secret is a white dwarf or a black hole.

Does knowing this information make my inner life feel brighter or darker?

If you're holding a malignant secret, you may feel as though other aspects of your life are being pulled down into darkness. This is the case for many people who've been abused or the victim of serious trauma. After decades of silence, the secret will still dominate the center of their consciousness, dimming their capacity for openness and intimacy.

Am I afraid that keeping this secret may allow someone to be harmed?

If your gut says yes to this question, you must break your promise. Protecting someone by hiding a secret that causes another person to be harmed is never constructive -- for anyone.

Do I find myself in situations where I often want to tell?

The gravitational pull of secrets works both ways. Opportunities to reveal dark secrets seem to come up repeatedly, in part because these secrets so dominate our psychological landscape. Ignoring opportunities to tell won't feel honorable -- it usually feels like lying. It divides you from others and makes you avoid certain subjects or even people. (The only honorable silence involves keeping harmless gossip to yourself.)

The right way to tell

If you're troubled by a secret, talking about it with an unbiased counselor -- such as a mental health professional, trusted religious adviser, or attorney -- an excellent idea.

For one thing, taking a safe person into your confidence dulls the isolating edge of a secret -- defuses the desire to gossip. Moreover, a person who has some training and experience can give you an unbiased opinion about whether the secret is merely a white dwarf or a black hole. (If you want to share a confidence for the sheer salacious pleasure of it, you're obviously out of line. But if you simply must gossip, consulting a professional is better than blurting it to a friend, especially one who knows the people involved.)

Small secrets, like small stars, cool with time. If you and your counselor believe a secret is harmless, simply wait a while. The information will soon fade to the back of your mind. Virtually all my clients' secrets affect me this way; I feel no desire to talk about them with anyone but the person involved. But I often advise clients who are hiding something they think is dark and awful to confess it, and not just because of the relief they'd feel.

By Martha Beck from "O, The Oprah Magazine," February 2007 E-mail to a friend

Subscribe to O, The Oprah Magazine for up to 75% off the newsstand price. That's like getting 18 issues FREE. Subscribe now!

TM & © 2008 Harpo Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Martha Beck is the author of "Leaving the Saints," "The Joy Diet," "Finding Your Own North Star," and "Expecting Adam."