New Iraq battle scars amid familiar scenes

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BAGHDAD, Iraq (CNN) -- As the Royal Jordanian Airlines passenger jet began its spiral approach into Baghdad International Airport, the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach reminded me of other times I had embarked on this same trip.

It wasn't so much the motion of the airplane's approach but the idea of what I might face after the landing -- once I had cleared Iraqi immigration, donned a flak jacket and jumped into an armored car for the 20-minute drive to CNN's bureau near Baghdad's International Zone.

The last time I had taken this route, a reverse journey from Baghdad to the airport 18 months earlier, an Apache attack helicopter flew repeatedly over our vehicle as we sped down the airport highway -- at that time arguably the most dangerous stretch of road in the world.

We were under protection from possible attacks by insurgents who used the highway as a shooting gallery. That same morning, I had been awakened by four huge mortar blasts outside the Palestine Hotel.

At the time, I was glad to be leaving, happy that after eight weeks I soon would be able to sleep through the night without explosions jarring me awake. Glad to be free of the guilt of knowing my loved ones also were experiencing sleepless nights because of where I had chosen to work.

But I'm glad to be back and anxious to see what had changed, what remained the same and how my reactions to the experience might have evolved.

To live and work in post-invasion Iraq is an exercise in contradictions. Things change at a rapid rate, but nothing changes at all.

I noticed more security checkpoints, more blast walls, including those that had been moved several times, changing the landscape of the city. I noticed new battle scars as well -- empty bomb craters where storefronts used to thrive, blackened piles of rubble at the site of a recent car blast.

The old pizza restaurant was gone that I used to drive by on my way to news conferences in the International Convention Center.

Since returning, I've also seen Iraqis attempting to assert more control over their daily lives. Iraqi police officers and soldiers are manning checkpoints previously under the control of U.S. soldiers; local ministry officials are bustling about the affairs of their nascent state ( a questionable description depending on whom you talk to about Iraq.)

I've seen Iraqis struggling to come to terms with the new reality in their lives that fear dominates every decision made, every question answered.

Speaking of fear, I've noticed changes in myself as well. To say a war correspondent knows no fear is a lie. Fear also can dominate the dozens of decisions taken in figuring out how to cover a story.

But my definition of fear is a lack of information. What you don't know can scare you. And I know more about Iraq than the first time I came here during the U.S. invasion and during my subsequent tours. Every trip I gain more knowledge. This additional data means less fear, which works in my case.

I'm still not sure it works in the case of the Iraqis, who are facing perhaps the greatest unknown in their history.

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