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Shortcuts: How to be fashionable

By Jackie Dent for CNN

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(CNN) -- Fashions come and go, and then come back again. This season it's all about legs. Here's how to stay one step ahead of the pack.

I am a woman, what should I be wearing? Leggings. Wear leggings with tunics, wear leggings with microscopic miniskirts and wear leggings with enormous sunglasses. Throw in oversized, draped tops and belts around the waist, and the smell of the 1980s becomes overpowering. If you are in hot climate, just get the legs out. Fashion conspiracy theorists suggest the crackdown on size zero at Madrid Fashion Week has ushered celebrities towards oversized tops so they can fashionably hide their anorexia.

I am a metrosexual man: Ensure your legs are clad in tight black jeans, and could they be worn a little tighter, please? Enormous hair and enormous sunglasses, combined with a waistcoat, a skinny black tie and a pair of Cuban heels will complete the look. For the extra daring, go for a man's version of a satin Margaret Thatcher blouse with a pussy bow and flounce around reciting Walt Whitman. Afterwards, put a cardigan on. The look is a tad 60s, without the body odour and the peace signs painted on the cheek. If someone accuses you of being old school, or a new age Adam Ant, say: "Hedi Slimane. Dior Homme. Autumn/Winter 2005/6. Very influential."

Is the 60s thing for the boys war-related?

Good question. There are an estimated 30 to 35 wars -- depending on your definition -- going on at the moment. An anti-government and anti-war vibe is on the streets and in the papers, man. Where else to turn to but a 1960s Bob Dylan... with tight black jeans?

How can I make sure I've got it right?

Be careful -- this 1980s woman/1960s man is not an easy look. Go fug yourself is written by blogging bitches Heather and Jessica, who with their utterly vicious and wicked assessments of celebrity outfits can give you a strong sense of what outfits are wrong, wrong, wrong. Their take on Mischa Barton in an unattractive skirt will certainly help with how not to interpret the 80s look. "Take this joke of a skirt, for instance. It's like a clown repurposed a blazer and wrapped it around her waist.... Mostly, I just want to tug it down so that I don't accidentally get a view of her birth canal." They also offer warnings on certain trends: "The random deployment of belts is never appropriate, no matter how terribly trendy it is, because when done incorrectly all you can see is the belt itself."

But I've got terrible legs: Don't worry, fashion will soon move on. Do I smell Hawaiian prints?

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