The right way to disagree at work
From CareerBuilder.com
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Imagine this scenario: You're in a discussion with one of your colleagues about the best way to motivate your sales force.
You want to put a plan into action, but the two of you just can't come to a consensus. You think your ideas are perfect for the team. Your colleague, on the other hand, won't get on board with your opinions and has ideas of his own.
You think you're right. He thinks he is. It is ultimately up to you to implement, but you'd like his support. Your conversation becomes strained and heated.
By the end of the meeting, you both storm off, and your sales team is no closer to having a new plan in place.
Such an encounter is a prime example of an ineffective office disagreement.
In any environment, there will be differing opinions and disagreements. However, being an effective part of an organization means knowing how to disagree respectfully, how to stand your ground when you need to and how to realize when another's way is the way to go.
What it all comes down to is knowing how to disagree without being disagreeable.
Suzette Haden Elgin, author of "How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable: Getting Your Point Across With the Gentle Art of Self-Defense" (Wiley), points out that most people resort to "hostile language" in disagreements, something that leads to extreme negativity.
From obvious insults to subtle sarcasm, hostile language is everywhere.
"The average workplace today is flooded with hostile language and hostile body language, especially if members of the public come and go there all day long, as in a store or a hospital or clinic," Elgin said. "The effect on the professional environment is literally toxic. It leads to frequent absenteeism, low morale, high turnover and low productivity."
So how can we get along with our co-workers, have productive discussions and maintain an environment that is positive? Consider these tips:
Don't jump to conclusions: Elgin said one of the first steps is learning how to stop jumping to conclusions, particularly in diverse environments. "In a cross-cultural disagreement or conflict our first assumption should always be that the source of the problem is in the language, not in the character or attitude or behavior of the other person," she said.
Elgin said that instead of jumping to conclusions, "investigate the problem and get to the bottom of the misunderstanding."
For example, individuals might have different definitions of what it means to be "on time." If colleagues are perpetually late to group meetings, you should have a discussion to determine what being on time means to the whole group.
"You don't just assume that the others arrive 'late' because they're irresponsible or uncooperative," she said. "First, you have to find out what the word 'late' means for them. When the meanings of the terms being used are clear, it becomes possible to negotiate."
Don't dispute every point: Don't think of every disagreement as one that you have to "win." Take a personal inventory of the points that are most important to you and the items on which you can compromise. Taking an all-or-nothing attitude makes you seem inflexible. Avoid disputing every point; giving in on smaller issues will make you seem less disagreeable.
Learn to listen: Another way most people can improve is by learning how to listen. "Nothing else in the way of communication skills is going to work if you don't listen carefully to what other people say," Elgin said. Many are so worried about what they have to say, that they fail to hear others.
While some people think that they don't have time to give others their full attention, "it takes far more time to deal with the consequences of misunderstandings than it does to listen carefully in the first place," she said.
Don't use combative language: Keeping your cool during a disagreement often comes down to how you deliver your words. Being accusatory, confrontational and emotional can quickly turn a discussion into an argument. Take a deep breath and deliver your words calmly and objectively.
Never use expletives. Such language immediately signals that you are angry. You might even wish to table a discussion until everyone can gather their composure and move on to an area or item on which you can agree.
Neutralize your comments: Elgin said that professionals can learn to communicate more effectively -- and more positively -- in the workplace. The bottom line is that disagreeing doesn't have to mean being negative and hostile.
"The fact that a message has negative content doesn't mean that it has to be given a negative shape when it's communicated," she said.
To keep your message positive, avoid using absolute terms such as "always" and "never." Sometimes prefacing a statement with the intended outcome or objective will make it harder to dispute. For example, say something such as, "I think we can agree that our goal is X, therefore let's consider doing Y," Elgin added.
"Many neutral or positive ways of delivering negative messages are available, and they're far more effective than the negative versions," she said.
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