Jessi Klein: Blogging along with Bush and Kerry
Editor's Note: VH1's "Best Week Ever" Jessi Klein provides a lighter take on the final presidential debate through this CNN.com blog.
Posted 11:10 p.m. ET
Well, that was a real snooze-a-thon.
Bush didn't pee his pants or kill anyone, so my guess is that people will say it was a tie. Kerry was solid, in his usual, uninspired, A-student-that-memorized-the-text-book sort of way.
The most fun part was at the end when the families had to come up onstage and try to look all huggy and "normal," which tends to fail, since, like every family, both groups are clearly totally dysfunctional.
But after the kisses and handshaking, they all kind of got in a line and waved to the crowd.
It looked like the final bow at a mediocre community theater production of "Godspell." But that's basically what it feels like our country has turned into, so I guess that's appropriate. I don't mean to sound so pessimistic.
As Bush pointed out, I'm probably just making one of those "exaggerations." It doesn't have to be this way.
If we all pull together and really try to be the best country possible, we can be at least as good as the original cast of "Cats"which is to say, we can be magical.
Once more - undecided people, please just flip a coin already. Beatles or Rolling Stones. Bud or Bud Light. Nike or Adidas. We do this all the time. It's been really fun blogging with you all, so thanks for reading.
I'm hoping VH1 might return the favor to CNN and have Novak weigh in on "The Fabulous Life of Celebrity It Girls" or one of those. I think he'd have a lot to add. Maybe Begala could do a turn on "Best Week Ever." It would be fun, guys, I promise!
Let's be kind and wish some good will to the world, and maybe especially to the Red Sox who are down 3-0 in the 8th with one on. Vote!
Posted 10:48 p.m.
While I appreciate that both these men do truly love their wives and daughters, I'm never a huge fan of having to hear them reiterate it for us, especially when they usually do so in that jokey, "shucks they sure do talk a lot" way.
Both the Bush and Kerry ladies seems pretty frisky and don't need the somewhat condescending acknowledgment that they exist in a political forum. But I don't know why I'm complaining. I should just go bake some cookies and sit quietly in my house.
Posted 10 :21 p.m. ET
I know I'm very quaint in my old fashioned beliefs, but I really am a fan of separation of church and state, and I wish we didn't have to hear about how much or how little our president or his opponent prays. Could we ask them something more relevant to our lives, like who they think is hotter, Ashlee Simpson or Jessica Simpson?
By the way, it's been about 30 minutes since Kerry reminded us Cheney's daughter is gay, he should get that in there one more time.
Posted 10:21 p.m. ET
I have no idea what Kerry is saying about affirmative action right now. He's kind of weaving around on both sides. Is this the notorious flip-flop I'm seeing for the first time?
Maybe he should legislate some kind of quota aimed at getting Massachusetts senators into the White House.
Posted 10:10 p.m. ET
Kerry is sounding smart, articulate, and informed while talking about raising the minimum wage to $7.00 an hour. There's no way he's gonna be president.
In response, Bush just completely went off topic and started talking about education, how kids need to learn addition and subtraction. The thing is, you don't need much math when you're making $5.15 an hour. You can kind of add up your day's pay on your fingers and toes.
OK, seriously, stop it...
Posted 9:59 p.m. ET
What is Bush widely grinning about while Kerry is talking? That's completely inappropriate. You shouldn't look like a Cleveland Indians logo when you're in the middle of a presidential debate and people are dying in a war. Ugh, Kerry can't stop doing it either. Speaking of baseball - still 1-0 Yankees, bottom of the 5th. Matsui is up.
Bush just said there should be a temporary worker card that will allow Mexican workers to come here and "mate up" with employers willing to pay them minimum wage. "Mate up"? Well, I guess it was his dad who talked about how much he loved "the little brown ones."
Posted 9:46 p.m. ET
Bush keeps cracking jokes. He's really funny. He just made a crack about how we shouldn't necessarily trust anything the media says, then he started laughing at himself.
Remember when he did that hilarious thing at the radio and television journalists dinner where he pretended to look under the table for WMD?
Some people were pissed off because he was making light of the reason thousands of people have died, but I think that's because they didn't get it. Bush is really more of a "comic's comic." Very sophisticated. Reminds me of Andy Kaufman.
Buggy and horse days?
Posted 9:33 p.m. ET
Bush just said "Buggy and horse days." Isn't it usually, "Horse and buggy"?
I know I'm nitpicking, but it's like saying "jelly and peanut butter" instead of "peanut butter and jelly."
In the meantime, Bush said the reason health insurance costs are on the rise is because health insurance is usually purchased by a third party and so we don't have choices.
I'm no specialist, but isn't he referring to people's employers? And what's wrong with that? I would have a lot of difficulty affording health insurance right now unless my employer paid for it.
Until the government pays for it, as is the case in most civilized countries, I'm pretty psyched that my employer pays for my insurance.
Still 1-0 Yankees.
Enough with the chuckles
Posted 9:29 p.m. ET
Both Bush and Kerry appear to have decided it's okay to kind of laugh and smile during what they know is their "cutaway" shot to show they think the other person is saying something really "outrageous."
That's cocky and arrogant on both of their parts. I think the OC is outrageous, but I don't pretend to be above it by laughing at it. I laugh WITH it .
Posted 9:21 p.m. ET
Bush just tried to say we have a flu vaccine shortage because a lot of our flu vaccine turned out to be contaminated, but then, on the other hand, turns around and says we have a health insurance problem because of too many health lawsuits.
If our vaccine turned out to be contaminated, shouldn't we sue someone? I want a flu shot damn it! Or at least a free box of Coldeeze.
I promise I'm not schilling for the manufacturer, but that stuff definitely helps. So does Echinacea, I find. The kind that comes in a liquid form. Put a few drops in OJ, drink it down, and you're all better.
I love Al Leiter in the booth with Tim McCarver and Joe Buck. Sometimes it's hard for a player to quickly become a good commentator, but he's done it. I've had a huge crush on Tim McCarver my whole life, by the way.
I'm sorry, but Al was just explaining how to throw a curve and that was far more compelling to me than either one of these two.
Does Bush have some creepy spittle in the corner of his mouth? Rove should whisper to him to wipe a bit.
Posted 9:15 p.m. ET
There's already a big problem - they're both wearing red ties. I've got two rich white guys with red ties and gray hair onstage.
Will I have to actually LISTEN now to tell them apart? Bummer. For the record, I just want to say I find Johnny Damon at least as attractive as Derek Jeter.
Just putting it out there. Kerry seems super comfortable right off the bat. He knows the script by now. He'll hunt the terrorists down and kill them, yeah yeah, blablabla.
How sad is it that we live in a world where a potential world leader sounds so blasť and bored when talking about killing people, no matter who they are?
Posted 9:05 p.m. ET
Actually, if they're willing to have a debate at a big party school, why not stage it at another location that's equally wild? Why not do it at a Chippendales? Male strippers have concerns and vote like everyone else. It would be so great to do a debate where Kerry and Bush have to face a crowd full of guys wearing bow ties and no shirts.
Still 1-0 Yankees.
University of zoo?
Posted 9:01 p.m. ET
Arizona State University appears to be a total zoo, with lots of seemingly drink-infused screaming and yelling.
I love that Wolf Blitzer has to pretend he doesn't notice that there's chaos behind him when you know he probably wants to sock these kids.
Good for them. Let kids be kids before they grow up to be world-weary, undecided voters who are so worn down by boring politicians that they're overwhelmed by ambivalence.
Teresa Heinz Kerry is apparently sitting with Michael J. Fox. I so wish that Laura Bush were sitting next to Gary Coleman, just for balance.
Posted 8:45 p.m. ET
OK, Yankees just scored first. It's 1-0 in the bottom of the first. OK, I'll out myself - I'm a Mets fan.
I hate that the Yankees crowd is chanting "Who's your daddy?" It's so arrogant. The sad thing is, I just wish the Mets currently dominated over anyone so I could chant that at a game.
There's a rumor going around on the "internets," as Bush calls it, that he was wired for the first debate. I don't know if that's true or not, but it's a great rumor.
The thing is, if he was, shouldn't he have done a lot better? In any case, if he is going to be wired so he can communicate with someone smarter than he is, Kerry should be wired with someone more charming than he is, like Hugh Grant.
Actually, why can't we just have Bush debate Hugh Grant? That would be awesome.
Posted 8:40 p.m. ET
Hello all, one last time... Well, here we are for the third and final debate. To be honest, I don't think I can take very much more of either of these guys or their respective pundits.
I just watched Anderson Cooper 360, (which I like) and Paul Begala and some conservative were facing questions from a very, raunchy young Arizona crowd, reminiscent of members of the studio audience from the early 90's syndicated dating hit "Studs."
Everyone was screaming and yelling, and it gave me a headache. I know the spin out there is that "this is the deciding one," but as I've been trying to urge you all for the last few weeks, really, we all should have made up our minds months ago.
With only a little change-up in substance, I felt like debate # 2 was almost exactly the same as debate #1, and I think this one will be just more repetition of the same themes.
It's as if this is our third date with this pair, but after the first one, we pretty much know they don't have anything new or different to say.
Three dates is enough, right? Maybe we should see other people.
I also know a lot of you are probably flipping to the Yankees-Red Sox game. I sure will be, and I'll try to keep you up to date on the score.
Last night was nuts. All I'll say is, I'm generally an underdog fan. In the case of this election though, I find it hard to tell who's the true underdog when neither of them seems deserving of being on top.
Jessi Klein was born and raised in Manhattan. She's been performing stand-up comedy for three years, and in 2002 was named one of Time Out NY's "Top 10 Comics We Never Get Tired Of." She made her TV stand-up debut on Comedy Central's Premium Blend earlier this year and has since appeared on VH1, MTV2, Showtime, and CNBC as a commentator on pop culture. She's currently a regular on VH1's "Best Week Ever" and is a self-described tabloid addict. Check out her site at http://www.kleintastic.com/