Jessi Klein: Blogging along with Cheney and Edwards
Editor's Note: VH1's "Best Week Ever" Jessi Klein provides a lighter take on the vice-presidential debate through this CNN.com blog. Follow along as she shares her observations, and send us your own by typing them in the "Share Your Comments" box to the right.
In conclusion ...
Posted 10:56 p.m. ET
I'm not a smoker, but I think everyone in the country deserves a cigarette right now.
I think the three of them, Cheney, Edwards and Ifill gave amazing performances.
I'm spent. I barely have enough energy to judge which one of the women on the stage right now is Cheney's lesbian daughter, which is pretty much the main reason I was planning on sticking this out till the end.
I would boil the differences between Edwards and Cheney down to this image: They're like the two cliche TV movie dads sitting next to each other at their sons' Little League game.
Edwards is the upbeat and all-positive guy, Cheney is the guy who keeps screaming at his son every time he makes a mistake.
When Edwards turns to him and says, "Hey, lay off, isn't the most important thing that they just have fun?", Cheney growls at him, "Don't tell me how to raise my damn kid!"
The thing is, I suppose they both have a point.
But I'll say it again - undecided voters, please make up your minds.
Coke or Pepsi, folks. Choose one. We're Americans. We do this all the time.
If you read my blog, I assume you pulled yourself away from US Weekly for a few seconds. Thank you. I know how hard it is.
Remember to vote. Let's go watch the college kids streaking behind Blitzer.
Wait a sec...
Posted 10:35 p.m.
Edwards just said he and Kerry are going to try and put a stop to pharmaceutical ads on TV.
Those are hilarious. I don't mind those silly Levitra ads as much as I mind all the beer ads which suggest women will sleep with anyone who buys them a pint. But no one will ever do anything about those.
I actually need a drink really badly right now. I'm exhausted from these two.
Posted 10:29 p.m. ET
I don't see how Edwards can attack the Bush-Cheney administration on the thoroughness of their airplane terror watch list when just weeks ago, they apprehended that major threat, Cat Stevens.
Right now, there are special forces circling and close to capturing Don McClean (American Pie) who is in a spider hole somewhere near the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame penning a new album.
That thing could drop any day unless he's stopped, and this time, there could be more than A THOUSAND verses. Let's all pray, no matter who wins.
A heartbeat away
I respect Cheney's response about not having further political aspirations beyond being vice president, and that is an advantage in terms of not having any further political agenda beyond the care of this country. But...he already is the president, no?
AIDS is infecting who?
10:19 p.m. ET
Did Cheney just admit that he was not aware of an AIDS statistic that Gwen brought up? I think for Cheney to say he doesn't know about something in this forum, he has to truly, truly not know about it.
That's pretty disturbing, no matter how you slice it. Wonder if he did the same thing with the AIDS statistics memo that Condi did with that silly "Al Qaeda Plans On Attacking US Inside the Country Using Airplanes" memo in August 2001?
10:13 p.m. ET
Cheney just accused Edwards of taking advantage of a loophole to not pay Medicare taxes when he was a lawyer. Oh, Edwards, did you really do that? If so, you disappoint me. But I understand that hair care is not cheap.
Gotta hand it to Cheney
Posted 10:05 p.m. ET
He's unbelievably articulate and concise. Edwards is good but does not pack as much punch. Right now he's having a really hard time trying to sound pro-gay marriage while stopping short of saying that he and Kerry are pro-gay marriage.
That's probably because somewhere deep down he knows that's a pretty dicey position to dance around.
Seriously though, I would give all my savings to watch these guys kiss, just once. Just a peck. It doesn't have to be that long. Madonna and Britney would be a distant memory.
Meanwhile, Cheney just said he was in New Mexico hanging with a bunch of Ob/Gyn's. What party was that?
Posted 9:55 p.m. ET
I'm not going to lie you people. I'm totally turned on watching these two. The sexual tension between them is crazy.
Posted 9:51p.m. ET
Cheney had no response for Edwards' accusation about voting against Headstart and a Martin Luther King holiday. This is where Vader's light saber suddenly starts to fade out and falter. Is anyone else FREAKING out watching this?
Meanwhile, big ups to Gwen for not letting either of these big dogs bark over her. She looks awesome in that blazer, too.
Posted 9:48p.m. ET
Okay, Cheney just told Edwards he's missed 33 out of 36 senate votes. This is basically Darth Vader knocking Luke's light saber out of his hands. Use the force, Luke. Use the force.
Posted 9:44 p.m. ET
Cheney just said the word "details" and I saw all of his 8,000 teeth. But Edwards is going for it. Whoa. WHOA.
Posted 9:41 p.m. ET
I know Cheney's ring is on his wedding ring finger, but I'm certain he got it from that hobbit Frodo. Seriously, if there's ever been "one ring to rule them all," Cheney's wearing it. Precioussssssssss.....
Posted 9:36 p.m. ET
I just want everyone to be prepared for the fact that I can very easily see these guys punching each other in the face before this is over. Edwards is younger, but Cheney is driven by a darker anger. He's very Michael Douglas in "Falling Down."
Take them out of Iraq?
Posted 9:31 p.m. ET
Wait a minute, Edwards just said he and Kerry plan on taking Iraqis out of the country to train them if it's too dangerous in Iraq itself. Wait a minute, where are they planning on taking them?
Have they informed the Iraqi police candidates that part of their training will include a long sleep over away from home? Who will bring the stuffed animals and hairspray? I'm excited, but confused.
Posted 9:28 p.m. ET
Cheney just absolutely ignored Edwards' Halliburton swipe. But he was very cool about it, probably because he knows Halliburton will just find a way to erase that mention from the country's collective memory by tomorrow morning.
DC vs OC
Posted 9:19 p.m. ET
Wait a minute, are these guys talking about ...substance? I don't think we've seen this in the campaign yet. It makes last week's debate look like an episode of The OC, although Edwards looks a lot more like Mischa Barton than either Bush or Kerry.
Posted 9:10 p.m. ET
Two right hooks immediately! Cheney has already played the rogue nuclear bomb Fear Card, and Edwards just called him a liar. This is awesome. I'm so psyched this is free when it has all the excitement of pay-per-view.
Cheney has already given up trying to speak out of both sides of his mouth and is going with the more comfortable "one-sided" approach. Sweet.
Posted 9:00 p.m. ET
Even though they haven't spoken, just looking at them, I have finally realized who they are...Garfield and Nermal. Cheney is Garfield, the grumpy old fat cat who hates Mondays, and Edwards is the lesser known "Nermal," the obnoxiously too-cute, little kitten with long eyelashes that Garfield hates.
Welcome to the Thunderdome
Posted 8:45p.m. ET
Hello all, if you're reading my live blog of the VP debate tonight, perhaps you read my blog from the first presidential debate last week, when I apparently made history by being the first person in the nine-year existence of CNN.com to use the word "poop" in a political analysis.
I assure you Bob Novak and Paul Begala were thinking it but didn't have the guts to say it. You can expect more of the same tonight.
Tonight we have what I think will be an even more exciting match-up, John Edwards vs. Dick Cheney.
These guys are intense personalities but polar opposites. I honestly don't know who will win, but I'm banking on the fact that before the end, Cheney will rip off his mask and reveal to Edwards, Darth Vader style, "I am your father."
From my understanding, these guys tried to relax and have a regular morning today, which means Cheney had his usual breakfast of razor blades, and Edwards spent a few hours "horse whispering." Let's sit back and enjoy mercilessly judging these two.
Jessi Klein was born and raised in Manhattan. She's been performing stand-up comedy for three years, and in 2002 was named one of Time Out NY's "Top 10 Comics We Never Get Tired Of." She made her TV stand-up debut on Comedy Central's Premium Blend earlier this year and has since appeared on VH1, MTV2, Showtime, and CNBC as a commentator on pop culture. She's currently a regular on VH1's "Best Week Ever" and is a self-described tabloid addict.Check out her site at http://www.kleintastic.com/