Jessi Klein's presidential debate blog
Editor's Note: VH1's "Best Week Ever" Jessi Klein provided a lighter take on the September 30 presidential debate through this CNN.com blog.
Posted 10:54 p.m. ET
Friends and fellow citizens: Thank you so much for deciding to spend a moment watching me watch the debate. Obviously, if you did, you were as distracted as I was.
Overall, I think Kerry had the edge over Bush in this debate. He didn't seem too flip-floppy, he was clear and concise, and his haircut was pretty decent.
Bush, on the other hand, seemed pretty baffled for a lot of it, and there were some moments when he paused for so long before speaking that I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown.
Watching Bush talk always gives me that feeling like when you're watching an alcoholic uncle give a toast at a wedding - you're just kind of hoping he'll get through it without messing up too bad, but he inevitably does.
None of this takes away from the fact that I still can't picture John Kerry and Teresa actually kissing.
The most important thing is, please remember to vote, and for Pete's sake, if you're one of those undecided voters, would you please get over yourself and make a choice already? It can't be that hard.
Now go relax, watch CNN, and enjoy what sounds like a Phish reunion going on two feet behind Wolf Blitzer.
Posted 10:30 p.m. ET
Time for Kerry to play the Vietnam vet card and for Bush to play the fear card. Time for Nader to continue being annoying and sapping energy from earnest college freshmen all over the country. Oh, wait a minute...I forgot that Bush also needs to quote from the Bible in a political forum and chip away at the separation of church and state one more time.
Posted 10:29 p.m. ET
It's so cute that Bush refers to Putin as "Vladimir." That's adorable. They must be totally BFF. I heard that they exchanged little, woven, friendship bracelets at a pizza party that Kerry didn't even know about. Kerry's such a loser.
Bush on nuclear weapons
Posted 10:27 p.m. ET
Okay, Bush responding to how we're dealing with rogue, nuclear weapons while trying to explain why we're building new ones sounds like a sneaky guy lying to his roommate about how he didn't have sex with his girlfriend.
"Uh, you know...we hung out...but not too much...yeah, she's pretty....I don't even know where she lives...I have her cell phone number, sure...but she's not that hot...STOP BADGERING ME."
Posted 10:25 p.m. ET
Now they're complimenting one another on how great a father the other one is. Um, guys? Get a room.
ALSO for the record ...
Posted 10:22 p.m. ET
Does anyone else think that "mixed messages" is the new "fuzzy math?" Also, pink is the new black. More in a minute.
Also for the record...
Posted 10:22 p.m. ET
It sounds like Bush's main plan for helping Sudan is waiting "for the rainy season to end." Nice. Maybe we could get Al Roker or Willard Scott over there.
For the record...
Posted 10:18 p.m. ET
I just want to say how disappointed I am that we're in the last half hour, and still, neither Bush nor Kerry has even mentioned what they plan on doing about the Kevin Federline-Britney Spears situation.
There's still time left before they actually sign a marriage license, but it's running out. Britney is our most precious resource, and she's about to marry a carnie. Focus, people.
Baring it all
Posted 10:12 p.m. ET
Did Bush just say "we began a nude dialogue with Korea"? That is saucy! I like it! Maybe we could threaten North Korea with some "nude-ular" weapons.
Posted 10:02 p.m. ET
Uh-oh, Kerry just mentioned Paris and de Gaulle. Bush is thinking, "Damnit, what's this Paris place? I wasn't coached on this. Rove is gonna catch a smack big time when this is over. I told him I needed to know about all the obscure countries."
Posted 10:00 p.m. ET
I love that Kerry seems to have learned about 23 other distinctive hand motions besides his signature, much-maligned karate chop. But the thing is, you can tell the one he's really dying to use is the karate chop. Don't do it, John. DON'T do it. Save it for the close.
Posted 9:49 p.m. ET
By the way, you could save money by buying Goober, a pre-combined peanut butter and jelly product.
Liberty and freedom
Posted 9:48 p.m. ET
I love the way Bush talks about "spreading" liberty and "spreading" freedom. Like they're this peanut butter and jelly that can just be piled on top of slices of other countries.
Should we just be bombing Iraq and Afghanistan with Skippy and Smuckers? Not a bad idea. Can we AFFORD that?
Posted 9:47 p.m. ET
I'm just noticing that Kerry has really weird thumbs. I'm not sure America should be led by a guy with such weird thumbs. I think Bush really needs to jump on that.
Posted 9:45 p.m. ET
Bush just said he sees things on the "TV screens." Don't most of us just refer to them as "TVs"?
That's like saying, Jennifer Aniston is my favorite "TV screen" star. He sounds like the adorable Andy Kaufman character from Taxi.
Posted 9:42 p.m. ET
Bush thinks he just showed up Kerry by telling him he did not mention the contributions of Poland to the coalition. What did they send, those little Russian nesting dolls? Puh-leez.
What is he looking at?
Posted 9:40 p.m. ET
When Kerry is talking, the cutaway shot to Bush is hilarious - he looks the way a dog looks when he sees his reflection in the mirror - sort of confused, sort of curious, possibly ready to attack.
By the way, is there a dog running for president? Because right about now, if you showed me a smart-looking terrier, he'd have my vote.
Bush is losing it
Posted 9:30 p.m. ET
Bush just talked about how he wakes up every morning thinking about how to keep America safe. I'm not sure I buy the "thinking" or "waking up" part.
The transit system or the sandwich chain?
Posted 9:26 p.m. ET
Kerry just said the subway was shut down when the RNC was here in NYC. I'm not sure that's true. But then again, I was at the movies all week. Did anyone see "I Robot"? I thought it sucked. Is Kerry still talking? I'm already exhausted.
Posted 9:22 p.m. ET
I love it when Bush refers to al Qaeda as a "group of folks." They're a "group of folks" who hate America. A "group of folks" usually refers to something more low key, like The Mamas and the Papas. Also, he just meant to say we want to capture Osama bin Laden and said Saddam Hussein instead. Freudian slip much?
No word from Kerry
Posted 9:17 p.m. ET
Has anyone understood a WORD that Kerry has said so far? I have not. He looks pretty anxious, like maybe he forgot to do that last-minute, nervous poop. That's key.
A word from Bush
Posted 9:13 p.m. ET
Bush just said the word "vociferously." Somewhere, a Harvard grad vocabulary coach is sweating "vociferously."
Posted 9:10 p.m. ET
Isn't that cute that Bush is wearing a blue tie and Kerry is wearing a red tie? It's like Bert wearing horizontal stripes and Ernie wearing vertical stripes.
A walk onstage
Posted 9:05 p.m. ET
I'm already disappointed. The candidates just "walked" onstage. All this hype for that? Hello, couldn't they have been lowered from the ceiling in leather harnesses? This sucks.
Five minutes to go...
Posted 8:55 p.m. ET
Right now, a team of computer technicians are putting the finishing touches on Kerry's brand new, state of the art, fully automated Artificial Soul. It's come a long way since the faulty one Nixon had. Bush is probably reading passages from the New Testament and doing a couple of lines with some U of M seniors. Jim Lehrer is probably just having a good weep in the men's room.
What the hell is going on down there?
Posted: 8:50 p.m. ET
Is anyone already watching CNN? Why did they decide to do this at University of Miami? It looks like there's an enormous tailgate party going on inside the debate room. I think I just saw Bill Hemmer funneling Bud down Wolf Blitzer's throat. It's chaos. I guess Bush wanted the environment to remind him of home.
Ready to rumble
Posted 8:45 p.m. ET
If you're reading my blog, I guess you've decided that Robert Novak and Paul Begala aren't 'heady' enough for you and you want someone who can really handle hard news.
Congratulations. You've made the right choice. I may not be on "Crossfire," but every week I talk on VH1's "Best Week Ever" about the really tough issues, like why Justin won't marry Cameron and why J.Lo married a guy with a skull for a face.
This is going to be a cakewalk. All week long we've been hearing about how Kerry and Bush have been off the campaign trail preparing for tonight's debate.
As far as I can see from footage today, it looks like Kerry has been tanning and Bush has been on some kind of crash diet. Seriously, Kerry's face is as brown as Tara Reid's navel. Bush is now a Mischa Barton-esque waif. This is going to be awesome. Train-wreck, anyone?
Jessi Klein was born and raised in Manhattan. She's been performing stand-up comedy for three years, and in 2002 was named one of Time Out NY's "Top 10 Comics We Never Get Tired Of." She made her TV stand-up debut on Comedy Central's Premium Blend earlier this year and has since appeared on VH1, MTV2, Showtime, and CNBC as a commentator on pop culture. She's currently a regular on VH1's "Best Week Ever" and is a self-described tabloid addict.Check out her site at http://www.kleintastic.com/