latimes.com: By Gore, I think they've got it
A scenario for Al to lighten up, and triumph over Godzilla
LOS ANGELES (Los Angeles) -- Critics dismissed the Republican convention as a horribly scripted affair. TheDemocrats don't intend to make the same mistake. Their convention will be a perfectly scripted affair.
They hired Hollywood's best and brightest to produce a blockbuster convention
script guaranteed to land Al Gore in the Oval Office. The Times has obtained copies of
the Democratic script as it progressed through various studio executives, screenwriters
and test audiences:
Draft 1: In a riveting 27-hour acceptance speech, a no-nonsense Al Gore rebuts the
Republican platform point by point and offers a detailed Democratic vision for
Draft 2: Gore's speech is trimmed by 26 hours and 58 minutes. Instead, he chants,
"Democrats good, Republicans bad!" for two minutes. To fill the subsequent dead time,
delegates are treated to big-screen flashbacks of Gore inventing the Internet, vulcanized rubber and the Clapper.
Draft 3: Gore still not testing well. To show his vulnerable side, he talks poignantly about his lifetime struggle with acid reflux syndrome. Later, exhibiting more playfulness, he roams
the hall wearing a "crazy" Hawaiian shirt and sings "Margaritaville" to the Florida
Draft 4: Gore hopeless. Kevin Kline will play him from here on out, and Dustin Hoffman will be cast as Joseph Lieberman (Dusty is a little less "Jewish"). New plot element: A
mishap at the Los Alamos nuclear lab gives Gore super environmental powers that
enable him to restore the ozone layer, reverse global warming and stop Robin Williams
from making any more movies.
Draft 7: The proceedings need a villain to make Gore seem heroic. Alan Rickman leads the
evil Shadow Convention forces in a plot to drill a tunnel underneath the convention floor so they can release a biochemical weapon that destroys the part of the brain that believes big government is a force for good. Gore (Kline) foils the plan, and brings Rickman to justice before 15,000 screaming Democrats.
Draft 9: Africanized honeybees surround Staples Center and demand year-round access to
greenhouse flowers in Southern California. Demonstrating his diplomatic skills, Gore
steps in and hammers out a peace accord. Then, showing he has what it takes to be
commander in chief, he uses his super environmental powers to kill all the bees.
Draft 11: Script not tracking with female audiences. Lieberman (Hoffman) reprises "Tootsie" role.
Draft 25: Float rumor that Tipper has terminal disease. In a tearful televised address, Gore (Kline) admits he told his delirious wife that he'd already won the White House, and
warns voters that if they don't elect him, it'll kill her.
Draft 36: Forget all the pathos and cheap plot devices. In an homage to Andy Warhol, Gore
is now an aimless drifter, cruising Pacific Coast Highway in a '65 Thunderbird
convertible, wearing Ray-Bans, digging on America. A new leader for a new
Draft 42: Godzilla attacks Staples Center, lays eggs in sky boxes, then terrorizes downtown
Los Angeles. Gore, aboard Air Force Two, directs "Top Gun" pilot Tom Cruise and a
squadron of Stealth bombers in a successful counterattack.
Godzilla now a good guy. Becomes Gore's running mate and protects West Coast
from deadly attack by Mothra and Rodan.
Draft 61: Convention way over budget. Shooting relocated to Vancouver. Kline and Hoffman
fired. Gore's role goes to Tony Danza; Lieberman's to Eugene Levy.
Draft 93: Giant asteroid threatens global annihilation. Gore (Danza) volunteers for a daring
space mission to blow the asteroid out of the sky by beaming an episode of "Who's the
Boss?" into the heart of the killer space rock.
Draft 112: Escalating production costs force Gore and Lieberman to be played by Jim Henson
Muppets Bert and Ernie. (Note: It's imperative that puppeteers be kept out of sight!)
Godzilla replaced by Cookie Monster.
Draft 149: Studio execs worried that Ernie will seem "too Jewish." Replaced with more Nordic
Final Draft: Execs decide to can the script, put Gore out there in a suit, and let "the magic"
Monday, August 14, 2000
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